I have been trying very hard to be good, but I'm afraid about twice a week I seem to break down in hysterics.<P>My H says he wants me to enjoy sex and affection. I told him I do, but for me that wasn't what I needed to feel loved. Now he says he doesn't believe me when I tell him that enjoy these things too. Yes, public displays of affections were very difficult for me. I don't know why, they just were. I guess it was all those Christian camps I went to when I was young. <P>Anyway, he's the one who cheated. Why is it so hard for him to believe? And yet, I'm supposed to go on acting as if everything is okay. Every time I get weepy and break down, he goes into withdrawal and the guilt and self-pity again. I am so tired of that. Everything is about him and the wrong things he has done and how he has messed things up. He's not worthy of my love. I am just sick and tired of fighting for this. I am tired of having to hide my feelings. I am tired of walking around the house wondering where I will be next year and who is going to get the kitchen canisters. I am tired of thinking about all the wonderful things I love about my H and then wondering if I'll ever find someone else like that. I'm only 27 and I don't believe that I will be alone for ever if we divorce.<P>Well, I got off track and started rambling. Sorry about that. I guess I'm just on a dip on the roller coaster. Thanks for letting me vent.

Lapeine,<BR>What you are feeling and what your H is feeling are both very normal. I don't know your story, or how long you are since the affair, but the emotions do come and go for a long time. Time passing and letting go & forgiving the bad stuff is really the only remedy. Counseling also helps, are you seeing anyone, alone even, if he won't go? Marriage counseling is good, but sometimes with a betrayer & a betrayed the personal issues are so different that it's a good thing to go individually as well.<P>And the other thing, keep reading so that you know this is just a bumpy part of the the roller coaster.<P>Great books:<BR>SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley & the others listed on this site<BR>After the affair by Springs<BR>Torn asunder by Carder<BR>LIGHT HIS FIRE by Kreidman<P>Something my counselor told me was that men want to be seen as successes, and when they've done something bad, they want to move on (sound familiar?), so when I confront my H with his past 2 years of bad stuff--which he is doing his best to forget happened--I'm also telling him that he's a failure in my eyes. I of course have seen talking about the past as wanting to "process" and "talk".<P>It's just another way of looking at Plan A and not lovebusting.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Dear Lapeine,<BR>We all have one of those days...<P>I noticed both of my H and I lost lots of trust for each other since the A. Not only I wonder what he's going to do, think and feel, he doesn't know what I'm going to do, think and feel. <P>He'd ask me "do you want a different husband?" I say "no." Then I wonder why he's asking. Because he WANTS me to marry another man? He wants a divorce? He's worried if I want another man? That means he loves me? That means he doesn't love me? He said he wants me to be happy, so he wanted to know if I want another husband. What's that supposed to mean? There can't be any answer when I question the question.<P>Even I said I don't want any other man, he still wonders about what I want, while he wonders what he wants. Even I said I'd do anything to work this marriage out, he still questions himself if I'm going to ever forgive him, if I'll be happy again, if we'll be comfortable w/ each other like it used to be, and so on. We were trapped in a circle. I broke down several times because of this. Things like this hurt each other for last 2 months, then I finally realized we both lost our trust. Not only in our relationship, he lost trust in himself, and I lost trust in myself. When he doesn't know who he is anymore, he cannot trust anybody else.<P>I forced myself planA for a while, it was so hard and sad, then my mind got to the point of no anger. I still feel it when I think of the A, so I try not to. When I felt less anger, then it came clear to me that how much he's suffering. How much he cannot trust himself. How much he cannot trust what I say. <P>It was very difficult to recognize his pain while I was in anger. But after I saw that, I got myself back. I know what I want to do, I want this marriage to work. I want to love him and I want him to love me. I want to gain his trust back, and I want him to gain my trust back. It's a long way and I know we're both tired like you are, but I'm just not ready to give up yet. He's still lost and I go back and forth, but I suppose we just keep going like this for now.<P>Now I want to tell him to remember that God love him, That's all I want to say to him now. He cannot question that. <P>Maybe nothing I said was new on this forum, but I just wanted to talk to you. I hope you'll see better days sometime soon, and I know they are there.<P>Amy<BR>

Hi Lapeine,<P>I know..it's just so hard to stay with it. I get a lot of inspiration from others here and it helps a lot, but being in this limbo is pure hell. I also wander around, looking at things in my house and wonder who will get what. It's just awful to not know our future. <P>I don't understand either what goes in their heads. My H was the one who cheated also, and we have been seperated for several weeks. I keep thinking...should'nt he be begging my forgiveness? Shouldn't he be saying "I'll do anything to make this up to you." <P>The advice I see over and over here is just to give it time, which is the hardest thing of all. I hate feeling like my future is in my husbands hands. The same hands that held another woman for two years while he lived with me and our children. Pretty shaky situation huh, leaving this up to someone so messed up?<P>Lets' both take a deep breath and continue the Plan A thing...and pray and hope.<BR>allison