I'm starting a new thread, because I'm having trouble with the other one. I keep hearing this song called, "She doesn't want the kind of love she can live with, she wants the kind of love she can't live without." It's a country song by Clint Black. I don't know if you guys have heard it or if I'm just in "hick country". Anyway, I can really relate to it, and I just heard it, so it brings me here! (There are SO many songs that remind me of my situation, yuck!) So, bare with me, I'm going to do some "reflecting". <P>One subject through all the h*** we've been going through is the "in love" thing. It's been so difficult for me dealing with "making" myself love my H, when I struggled NOT to love OM. I know you can't make yourself love someone, that's what has been so difficult. Through all of this, I loved OM so easily and couldn't feel that love for my H. It was literally as if I've had to force myself to love my H the way I should and not love OM. Do you have any understanding of that at all? Yes, I love my H and that love keeps growing with our work. But, should you have to work that hard at it? Why did my love for OM come so easily, with NO work at all? I just don't get it sometimes. Yes, I did love my H, head over heels, but that was when I was SO young and I didn't know any other love. I've grown so much, and as Sifted said, I'm a different person now. My H and I did grow apart and now we're having to find our way back.<P>Just some comments to ponder. Please don't take any of this the wrong way. I do love my H and want to be w/him. Just have to get some of questions/analyzing out!<P>Thanks! <P><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 20, 2000).]

Wow! You wonder the same things I wonder. you have one up on me, though. You KNOW you love your H. That's at least a starting point.<P>I haven't heard of the song. I'm not a big country music fan. But I can definitely relate to the title.<P>I don't have any answers. All I can do is echo your questions/comments. <BR>

Yes, yes, yes to all of the above!<P>I heard once on Dr. Dobson, "Don't marry the person you think you can live with, marry the one you can't live without". (Kind of like the song you mention, Momma). Very good advice that I wish I had long ago... I know what you mean about feeling you have to "force yourself to love your husband". I have felt like that for a very long time, even feeling guilty it was that way (thinking I should have feelings to go with it and if I didn't I mustn't "love" my husband). Now I look at it a little differently. It isn't really "forcing" - it is making an intentional decision to act in a certain (loving) way, even though the feelings aren't there. I think that is what love really is. I can choose to act in a loving way towards my spouse, even though the feelings aren't there to go along with it. Love is a decision. Love is patient, kind, doesn't seek its own, doesn't keep a record of wrongs...nothing about "feeling in-love" there.<P>The feelings come when we admire qualities in someone AND when they meet some of our deepest needs. If that doesn't happen, then we lose those feelings (or never develop them to begin with). Realizing that, I understand why the feelings were not there for my husband. And I KNOW exactly why I have very strong feelings of love for the OM. He met my top needs (actually ALL of them) in an incredible way that I have never experienced. So, that explains why returning the love came so easily. Not too hard to figure out really. Turning away from that incredible love is hard. It is a determined decision with a hope that it can be "raised" up in your marital relationship also.<P>In order for that to happen - I think it does take a spouse committed to meeting your needs. Without that the feelings probably won't develop, but you can still choose to love your spouse by your actions. That is hard to do, as many people who are doing Plan A by themselves know. And it will always be hard, because it is a decision to love that you will have to make every day, despite the lack of feelings. But you can know you are loving your spouse and that is what we are called to do. Surely we all want/desire those feelings and I think it is good to strive for them (I'm always the visionary), but realize you will have to nurture and care for those feelings (by your actions) in all relationships - (even with OP), or they will die. <P>It is my hope to experience that kind of love in my marriage too. Let's keep encouraging each other! Because we easily become fainthearted.<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 20, 2000).]

Sifted, Will you please read my HELP! thread! Thanks!

Sifted, we think a lot alike. Guess we can't know if that love really can be grown between two people until we've really tried!

Ditto to all of what you have each said....<BR>We all seem to think so intensely.... <P>My problem is I never felt that I couldn't live without my H. One of my best friends said that to me before I married him, and I didn't understand what she meant. Now I get it.<P>Momma, you ask the best questions!<P><p>[This message has been edited by wings (edited June 20, 2000).]

Wings, I ask so many questions and don't have the answers to them! That's why I ask so maybe you guys can help! What a HUGE, YUCKY mess we're in!! It makes me ill!<P>Did you read my trauma, Wings? I had to do a HELP thread, see, I'm not so strong after all. I'm much calmer now, but still feeling a little icky. How in the heck do we do this? (Another stupid question!!!!)<P>Thanks!<P>Oh, by the way, I DO feel like I can't live without my H., that's why I've stayed. But if I didn't have H, boy I'd sure like to be with you know who!!!<p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 20, 2000).]

Hi Momma...did you get through your weak moment?<BR>I just posted to your cry for "help" but can't find it now. <BR>Are you okay? I'm with you Girl. We're all with you!<P>

I'm okay, Wings. I've gotten through it, but it was VERY difficult! Wow, haven't been hit w/that in a LONG time! It felt like an axiety attack, maybe it was. ? Who knows. I think everything's just building up, and I still miss him, etc. But I know that contact would really screw everything up AGAIN, and like I said yesterday, I don't want to be at square 1 again. The last time I saw XOM on the road, it hardly phased me. I was just bragging about it! Maybe it was so bad this time, because I've been analyzing again. <P>Thank you for being here w/me! You are all so great!!!!!!!!!<P><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 20, 2000).]