I hope you see this. I really appreciate your reply. Though this is an addiction I'm not really sure what he is addicted too.<P>I'm not saying we had the perfect marraige and I can certainly see where I could approve...but this is just not my H. His relationship with OP was a good friendship. At some point it crossed the lines..He went through a hard time at work due to his previous narcissitic cruel partner (which is what my H turned into) and of course being a workaholic, caring so much for his patients and having to worry about law suits etc.<P>When he went over to do the mission....he felt probably like this is what he was meant to do...to do what he loves and get appreciated by people who would do without otherwise...on top of seeing so much poverty.<P>He came home so strange...kind of on some special mission with OP...he began counting every penny and then moved into a "monk" apt with no "things"......<P>Op did the same things to accomodate him...<P>I can see he is confused and every thing he does is incongruent. He has always searched so far out of himself and yet inside he is such a good man...he is truly on the wrong path......<P>Now he says "I've changed" but he is unable to really articulate into what. He tells his family that it was the Marraige or me that led him to leave. To me he says...it is not me it is him...in marraige counseling he says he doesn't want a D, doesn't want to work on marraige (has animosity toward me, but then we can go out and have a good time), doesn't want to marry OP...but will defend this "close coworker, antimaterialsim, missionary "bond between them.<P>He won't make any decisions. He has been letting all his paychecks come to me and then asks me for money...wants me to manage our finances...keep up the house etc...etc.... It is like "controlled drug use".....and we are getting nowhere. <P>I had to pull away...I am devasted. like most this came from nowhere....he and OP shut me and her H completely out of their lives...and that has been my life while I have lived here. I went to his office frequently with the kids....did things with the office staff....with his colleagues...etc.<P>I am praying very hard...he has a large hole in which the Lord should be. I bought "power of the praying wife" and am reading the bible and praying to be led, because I have always tried to control myself, never just giving it up to Him...It is very hard....I don't know where to start....I appreciate your prayers and any spirtitual guidance you can send my way....<P>I hang so often between faith and pride.....<P>Yet, I may have to do something else to get him off the fence and live with his own conscience. My children are devastated. They don't understand, or like the change either. He doesn't "see" it. <P>He is wrapped in the warm blanket of the profound admiration of the strangers at work...and the house, the children, his family and myself are the cold.....it is so sad.

Tootrusting-<P>I am glad to hear that you H does not want a divorce. That means there is still hope. You have to be strong. It is not fair, but right now your whole family is depending on you.<P>I am also reading Power of a Praying Wife---isn't it great? I am not sure at this point that either of us have much control over our situations, other than to pray. I know that God has everything in control "I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a a future and a HOPE" Jeremiah 29:11. Some days, I have to admit, I want to be able to fix things myself.(Immeadiately!)<P>I too vascilate between faith and pride.<BR>On the one hand,I want to believe that if I only pray hard enough, believe, and sacrifice my needs to meet my husband's, then everything will be OK. On the other,I feel used and unloved and I want to stop investing all my time and energy into someone who sees me as the enemy.<P>Sorry, I'm rambling--<P>I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone.<P>Is your H a General Surgeon or does he specialize? Are your children young? What did you tell them about Dad's moving out?<BR>Are you a stay at home mom?<P>Did your H go into medicine as a "calling" or was the money attractive? I am sure you had to sacrifice much when he was going through school. Has he been in practice long?<P>Thank you for your faith in me to bestow spiritual guidance, but I am a "sinner" like everyone else. God is working on me, and hopefully through me to minister to my family and to become a better person.<P>I don't have any gems of wisdom to impart---just know that I am sorry for what you and your kids are going through---and that my prayers are with you. Take care of yourself<BR>

Hi GodAlone,Thanks again for your reply.<P>My H is a Neurosurgeon. I am a critical care nurse. By mutual agreement I stayed home with the kids age 5-9-11. <P>My H went into medicine to do good. He cares greatly for his patients. He is not interested in money and has always felt guilty for making it......esp. when compared to other sibs...he has always been generous to his family and mine. We do not live an extravagant lifestyle. He and I have always had a lot in common. Our beliefs and likes and dislikes are very similar.<P>I don't know what happened. He went on this trip, and came home with some evil being in him. You would think that he would have grown spiritually, or appreciated what he had. <P>The irony is that his colleagues and friends and family are not impressed with his missionary work. They are appalled by his leaving his wife and kids and having this affair with his coworker who also left her H and kids part time. <P>Everyone else sees that you can't tend the world unless you can tend your home.<P>Plus the inconguencies are amazing. He'll despise money yet obsess about our money in the stock market...<P>The OP is very needy...I have known her as long as he...We used to talk about her being somewhat of a control freak. She is kind of insecure yet comes across like "the expert". and takes over, ingratiating herself. She called herself the "office wife" . I used to roll my eyes because I felt secure in our love...but the past two stressfull years have gotton to me too. I have been cranky.<P>I didn't realize the power of having her complain about her marriage to my H. He was telling me all sorts of things about her H..I even believed them and thought what a jerk....that was until I began talking to him after this event. He is just as devastated as me. <P>I feel so publically humiliated. They think this is so special and yet it is so ordinary. It happens all the time to Drs. and assistants. They spend a lot of time together. I have learned a lot about relationships here. I would know what to do now....but you know these Drs. also get used to all of these women in their office pampering them...I can be sure it is better than coming home and dealing with the realities of three kids.<P>I am trying to focus on being a better me and a better parent and a better christian. But I still feel humiliated. the two of them came home and acted like love birds in front of all of my friends. They played love songs in the OR....They are seen laughing and smiling with each other in the hallways. The nurses say my H only has eyes for her. It hurts me so much. To these same people I bragged about my wonderful h who was also a devoted father.<P>Do you suppose that they will never remember what they did....how they acted.....what they said....the pain.......<P>I bought mother teresa's book today on love. It is quite good. I am a Catholic, trying hard to get closer to God....<P>

Hi TT<P>The greatest asset that a physician has is his reputation. It sounds as if your H is doing serious damage to his.<P>Yes, I have heard that this happens all the time. In fact, I have a friend whose H is a Doctor. He moved his family across the country,then left them (wife and two kids) for his nurse. Knowing that it happens doesn't make it any easier to bear, does it.<BR>But also remember that there are many God fearing, family men in the profession as well. <P>It sounds as if your H has totally lost touch with reality. In his mind, he has made this woman into someone she is not. It is just a matter of time before the "fog"(as everyone here calls it) lifts. Unfortunately, he will have to find out for himself. Efforts to awaken him with the truth about this woman will only cause him to defend her(and his actions) more. <P>It sounds as if his staff and collegues are as shocked by his behavior as you are. <P>I pray that God opens your H's eyes to the truth about this woman. That He keeps your love for your husband strong. That he keeps your children safe. That he gives you and your children peace. I pray that the Holy Spirit will soften your H's heart and show him that the ministry God has entrusted him with is to LOVE and provide for you and your children. I pray that your H's desire will be for you alone. <P>God loves you TT. We all make mistakes. No one is the perfect wife or husband. Just Trust God and be the best wife you can be under the circumstances. Look within yourself to see if there is anything you need to change and then set about doing it.<BR>Don't feel humiliated, Your H's actions say more about his character than they do about your abilities as a wife. <P>Hold your head up, Pray for your husband, Take care of yourself.<P>Love and Hugs

TT,<P>It took me awhile to get back, and I followed you over to another thread!<P>You said your h is a giving person. So he has a soft spot for this needy woman and her "missionary work". My h also found a needy woman, but thank God it's over.<P>Did you read Lostva's story on Missy's thread? It is really inspiring.<P>You are right you can't control him. Look at what you can do. Take good care of yourself, and try to figure out what he is getting from her that he was missing from his top ENs.<P>For my h it was mostly admiration, she was young and idolized him. He was feeling unappreciated around here. It may not be about your marriage at all, but usually there is something missing. I thought we were close. I too bragged about my wonderful husband.<P>But think of it as an addiction. The fog will lift, meanwhile be the best you. Learn all you can (have you read SAA?), look good when you see him, let him see you strong (vent here), and here's a possibility: <P>SAA covers the art of negotiation until an enthusiastic agreement is reached. You could try it with the money! Plan A doesn't mean being a doormat.<P>Mostly since I couldn't love him as a great h, I tried loving him like a son. He was acting a lot like my 5 year old. (I see you have one too). Did you read my story? A success in the making...<P>I hope this was some help, and by all means keep praying.<P>Take care,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Thanks for the replies. <P>Unfortunately, I have gone underground. I can't actually call it plan B, but I needed to get some emotional distance before I can even be able to talk to him.<P>I was just reacting too much. I have felt so alone here. I have no family. Actually no parents, grandparents aunts or uncles. My life was my H, the kids and our friends which revolved around his work....mostly because our neighbors work in the same hospital. (this is a small town and we are the talk of it)<P>I know I need some work myself...so I basically separated from him, to protect me from me!!!!<P>after the initial train collision in which he was incredibly cruel, something really unlike him....he has been nicer.....almost plan Aing me so I won't go too far, yet he will not give up the other life!!!!<P>I allowed my buttons to be pushed by her and her H (he was calling me to see if h and I were kissing , hugging. Apparently OP wanted to know.....I really needed to escape from this triangle for a while.<P>I am the mother of his kids. He sees them a lot now....he sends dinner to me when he has them....he doesn't come in the house, but always asks them what I am doing. He made them tell me thanks for helping pick out the father's day gifts. <P>My H is in controlled use.....I need to get under control before I can be strong enough to help him...<P><BR>I know it is not completely MB...but it is what is best for me!!!!! which in turn will be best for my kids.....

TT<P>You're doing great.<P>Your H asks about you and sent Thanks for helping to pick out Father's Day gifts?<P>Keep doing what you are doing. It sounds like he is thinking!!

My thoughts exactly. I think you are doing very well. You are a tough cookie.<P>Do try to stay out of the triangle. I would hate to live in a small town!<P>Maybe you could get away for a bit.

Hi TooTrusting,<P> I'm so sorry for what you are going through...my H is also physician and had an A with his tech....They were so" in love and he wrote poetry to his soulmate", etc....blech. I have 4 kids and was handling the home life, finances, the drudge work while he and her were saving mankind or something like that.<P> My H DID come back to reality and is back at home with us ...but I know how you feel. Your H is so out to lunch that he will "come<BR>to"....can you make him pay his own bills and handle his own finances? I set up separate accts. and had auto deposits so that he had to deal with his own bills etc....anything to put some reality into the situation.<P>Hang in there TT, he will crash, but meanwhile I know it's the pits....so do whatever you can for yourself........LU