Has anyone had an experience where the offended spouse wants to engage in all kind of sinister sexual behavior after finding out about the affair? As example swinging, 3-somes, fantasies being acted out? Is this revenge for this person damn well knows the offender is uncapable of such right now and may be fleeing from sinful behavior for the rest of my days. (spouse has known for about 3 weeks and affair ended last year)Response to such has been I am uncapable of such behaviors to which a prompt "why do you get all the fun" is the answer....<p><P>I tend to find this revenge and any type of apology or attempt at reconciliation will fail at this time. Any similar stories would be helpful.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LST:<BR><B>I tend to find this revenge and any type of apology or attempt at reconciliation will fail at this time. Any similar stories would be helpful.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well....I would guess that your spouse may be acting this way for one of, or a combination of, a few reasons:<P>1. To test your love for her (will you act jealous at the mention of another man?)<P>2. To test your future fidelity (will you enthusiastically agree to new partners?)<P>3. To demonstrate the pain caused by a spouse with a wandering eye.<P>4. To make it clear to you that any future infidelities on your part may just prompt a revenge affair by her.<P>I would have also said that maybe she was trying to expand her ability to fulfill your sexual needs, but that "why do you get all the fun" comment makes that seem unlikely.<P>Anyway, I would try to meet these barbs with quiet explanations that you have no interest in other sexual partners (and the associated pain), and you just want to be with her. <P>That is what she wants to hear.<BR>

LST-<P>I agree with Mike.<P>All she wants to hear right now is that you love her, and only her.<P>She is going through a whole range of emotions and these "fantasies" may be an effort to accomodate you (and keep you) at any cost.<P>Please don't indulge these offers. Tell her that you made a mistake and that you love HER. Acting on these "fantasies" will only create more problems and distance you further. I can guarantee that she does not spend her days thinking about threesomes.<P>Anger is a consequence of broken trust---if you love her, give her the freedom to express that anger.I know it hurts, but so does finding out someone you loved and trusted betrayed you. I went through several phases when I learned of my H's infidelities.<BR>Hurt and Disbelief, Anger, and then Depression. Everyone is different,but I think she may be in the anger stage.<P>If you want your marriage to work<BR>BE HONEST<BR>BE FAITHFUL<BR>BE PATIENT

LST,<P>NSR usually has a welcome post, but anyway welcome to MB.<P>You didn't really give enough info, but I think it could be one of the things mentioned, and yes the best you can do is reassure her. For me, it was the betraying spouse who wanted these things to add more hurt on...<P>But a lot of emotions, very deep emotions are going on inside the betrayed. It may be a sense of the injustice that you cheated while she (or he?, you said spouse rather than h or w) has remained faithful. Not necessarily revenge, more a desire to even out the scales. That was a powerful emotion for me at first, but it will pass.<P>You need to be learning to meet her needs right now. She is very vulnerable, and be completely honest with her, willing to answer all questions about the EA.

Well, I never wanted to do any of THAT stuff (swinging. 3-somes, etc.), but I did set out to prove to my H that I could be just as exciting and sexy as any OW could be. I spent a small fortune on massage oils, candles, negligees, toys, etc., but H was not turned on by any of this. My H did not want to have sex with me for over a year...and sometimes couldn't when we tried. We're back to normal now, but I was one frustrated lil' sex kitten for quite a while. We didn't start getting back to "normal" until, after we were supposedly going to have a romantic night in the local motel after a party and I threw a hissy fit after he went to sleep on me! It was BAD!!! I threw all the oils, lotions and toys across the room and told him that if he ever REALLY wanted to make love to me again, just let me know, 'cause I was THROUGH with trying to seduce him!<P>I DID set out to make him jealous, though. When he went off to his hunting camp (I <B>assume</B> he stayed there the whole time he was supposed to be! ), I would get all dolled up, leave the house and go to my girlfriend's, or even just ride around for a while. I'd put in an appearance at the local bar as though I was heading toward a party and then I would just stay away from the house for a while. I guess it worked a little, as he finally told me that he didn't want me going out to clubs and bars. H thought I had gone crazy. I definitely was not behaving like my normal self!<P>Everybody is right. Your spouse is feeling terribly insecure....wondering if you were bored....thinking that if you didn't want her, maybe she needs to be "kinkier" or something.<P>She needs to know that you love and adore her more than anything. She needs to know that you are NOT going to cheat again, but it'll take a while for that to happen. It's all up to what you're willing to do to reassure and help her.