This is my first time. New blood with no clue! Oh well.<P>Any words of wisdom for a wife of a porn addict? After 8 years of marriage I finally asked him to leave. After a week he is asking to come home. I love him but he is now and always will be an addict. Which hurts! plus we have a four year old son who I don't want exposed to his world.<BR>

HPA,<P>Is your H willing to seek help?<BR>

Hi Husbandpornaddict...<BR>My heart goes out to you! Try to find a book called, "False Intimacy"...it's written by a wonderful Christian counselor. Dr. Harry Schaumburg. There's also another book written by a women whose husband struggled with pornography. If I can remember the name of it, I'll post that to you as well. The book I mentioned deals with sexual addictions, of which porn falls into. <BR>Hope that's a little helpful! <BR>My best to you!

My husband is willing to get help for his porn addiction. He has gone to 3 SA meetings. I have asked him to get a sponser but he hasn't done that yet. He is so very shy that going to the meetings alone was a huge step (as they would be for anyone - shy or not). But going up to someone one on one seems to be even harder for him. The hardest thing for me is that I do love him very much and seeing him suffer from feeling humiliated because of his addiction hurts too. But the love I have for him gets less (or so it seems) each time he is caught in another lie to me. The constant lies make me angry! <P>I have heard of the book mentioned "False Intimancy" and think I know the other book mention "An Affair of the Heart". Both of which I have heard good things about but haven't gotten to read yet. I hope to soon.<P>I would appreciate any prayers, not just for my husband and his addiction but for me and my hurt and anger, and for my son as he goes through a very, very confusing time for him.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by husbandpornaddict:<BR><B>Any words of wisdom for a wife of a porn addict? After 8 years of marriage I finally asked him to leave.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If he is seeking treatment for his mental illness, throwing him out seems a bit harsh. Would you throw him out if he got cancer? <P>The lies are just a symptom of his illness. If he is actually going to public SA meetings, jeez, he's trying (I'd leave Heather Locklear before I'd do that!)<P>If this is your soulmate and your life partner, open your heart and work with him during this difficult period. He needs your help. <P>

It is easy to say "forgive him again" when you don't have to live with the pain. He has lied to me for 8 years. Saying he was working late, or my favorite of all, saying he was shopping for my anniversary present when in reality he was doing his thing. I realize porn is not a big deal to some people, but as a Christian it is a big deal to me. I see it as a sin against God and a sin against me. I also see it as being unfaithful - and my husband sees it in the same way. He admits to me that he is committing adulty when he does it. So, maybe to you it is harsh, to me it was the only way to get him to realize how serious I was about him stopping. <P>If he had cancer, of course I wouldn't throw him out. However, cancer isn't something he can control with effort. Addiction is a disease too, I admit, but it isn't a sin against me or God nor is it adulty. I probably sound like a mean, heartless witch, in reality I am a heartbroken, defeated woman.<P>For eight years I have tried to get him to realize I want to help him however I can, to be there for him, support him, but all I received in return were more lies.

Dear Husbandpornaddict,<P>I feel so sad for you! I have the same problem. It has been with us for our entire marriage (26 years). Until about a year ago, my husband didn't realize how hurtful it can be to a wife. I couldn't understand why when I was almost ALWAYS happy to make love to him, he still needed his "paper dolls"! He couldn't imagine how his "getting off" with another woman in his mind could hurt me. <P>Here's how it has been for me. Does any of this apply to you???? I no longer feel beautiful--haven't for years even when I was extremely attractive in my 20s. When we were first married I found a Penthouse that he had hidden from me, and thought to myself, "so, that's what a REAL woman looks like"! Now, I can't get beyond feeling ashamed of my body, feeling threatened by the presence of other attractive (usually younger) females anywhere we go, and I have come to believe that beauty and sexiness is the most desirable quality a woman can have, (in a man'eyes) and I feel like it's me that has a problem. Which, of course, NOW I DO! <P>We are working on this without outside help. He hasn't had a problem since the end of Feb. He is doing GREAT! I am trying to be supportive, because it means so much to me. The problem is that because of the hurt we wives feel, somethimes we may react in a way that makes them feel like they are a worthless pervert (their guilt reaction) but it really hurts progress in a marriage. I would also recommend the book "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carne (I think). I have not read it all yet, but my husband thinks it is a fabulous work. I worry that I may be a co-addict/dependent too. Please feel free to email me privately. I am curious to know about the struggles of ANYONE else in our situation! I fear I've turned into an irrational jealous freak. HELP!

THANK YOU, SO MUCH , BINK, FOR YOUR RESPONSE. AS HORRIBLE AS IT MAY SOUND IT IS GOOD TO KNOW I AM NOT ALONE IN THIS (ALTHOUGH, I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON ANYONE). <P>I TOO HAVE FELT VERY UNATTRACTIVE, LIKE IT IS MY FAULT - "IF I LOOKED BETTER, IF I WAS THINNER," YOU NAME IT I SAID IT TO MYSELF. I AM FINALLY BEGINNING TO REALIZE THAT IT ISN'T ABOUT ME OR HOW I LOOK IT IS A SICKNESS. IT DOESN'T HURT ANY LESS BUT IT IS GOOD TO KNOW. <P>I KNOW THAT I AM A CO-DEPENENT. AND IN ACKNOWLEDGING THAT I ALSO EXCEPT MY PART IN HIS ADDICTION. FOR EIGHT YEARS I HAVE LET HIM THINK I WOULD FORGIVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE I LOVED HIM MORE THAN LIFE. ALTHOUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD QUALITY IN A WIFE, I AM TOLD THAT BY MY RESPONDING THAT WAY I ALLOWED HIM TO CONTINUE.<P>THE PAST WEEK HAS BEEN VERY HARD FOR ME AND MY SON. BUT IN SOME WAYS IT HAS GIVEN ME A SENSE OF FREEDOM, TOO. BEFORE I FELT HOPELESS - THAT IS A WORD USED TOO MUCH, SO MUCH THAT IT HAS BEEN ROBBED OF IT'S SEVERITY. BUT HOPELESS - TOTALLY WITHOUT HOPE - FOR A BETTER LIFE WITHOUT THE ADDICTION IS A HORRIBLE PLACE TO LIVE, LET ME TELL YOU! AND THAT IS WHERE I HAVE LIVED FOR 8 LONG YEARS.<P>I DO HAVE SOME HOPE NOW - WHICH I SHOULD HAVE HAD ALL ALONG (GOD IS OUR HOPE). I ALSO HAVE HOPE BECAUSE MY HUSBAND SEEMS TO FINALLY REALIZE THAT HE HAS TO HAVE HELP OUTSIDE OF OUR LITTLE FAMILY, AND THAT BY FAITHFULLY READING HIS BIBLE FOR TWO WEEKS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY. I DON'T THINK THAT SA IS THE END ALL, FIX ALL BUT I DO BELIEVE IT IS GOING TO HELP. MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER ASKING YOUR HUSBAND TO ATTEND, TOO. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THERE IS A GROUP CALLED SA-NON FOR PARTNERS OF THE SEX ADDICT, TOO. I HOPE TO FIND OUT THE MEETING TIMES THIS WEEK SO I CAN ATTEND, TOO. THE MAIN THING I HAVE TO DEAL WITH NOW IS FORGIVING, FORGETTING, AND ANGER CONTROL!! <P>YOU SOUND SO MUCH LIKE ME IT IS LIKE TALKING TO MYSELF!! I HOPE I HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN.

HPA and Bink,<BR>I have read "An Affair of the Mind" and recommend it highly.<P>I believe my H has an addiction as well, his is being satisfied on the internet--porn, cybersex. He also has had phone sex and has met at least one of his cybersex partners while out of town for work. <P>I too have lived with the lies and the rejection of having your H choose strangers over their own wife. Now my H has impotency problems----I am not sure if that is related to porn or medication, but either way---it makes me feel totally unwanted and ugly.<P>I have tried to find a SA-non group in my area, but none are available. Hope you have better luck.<P>

You might want to check out Focus on the Family's web site as well. They have wonderful resources for sexual addictions. <BR>And yes, Patrick Carnes books, all of them are great. I have read one of his. He's by far the most prolific writer in this field. <BR>

HPA,<P>My H too is a porn addict although he would never admit it. I first discovered his cache of magazines (everything from Playboy to Hustler to Penthouse and WORSE) when we had been married about 3 years. Like you and Bink, it shattered my self-esteem. We are now on the verge of divorce because he is having an affair (over a year now). He says if I hadn't been so withdrawn over the years (about sex and intimacy) he wouldn't have had to have an affair. Why does he think I withdrew? I begged him not to bring that trash into our home. I tried to explain how degraded I felt. He thought my feelings were ridiculous and worthy of ignoring. It got to the point where I would honestly almost have anxiety attacks when he started touching me. I was so ashamed of my body and how inadequate it was compare to the women he looked at. And yes, I definitely had self-esteem issues even before this. But now it's over. He has moved on to the OW and can look at porn to his heart's content. It's not my problem now. If your H is willing to work on this, I would give him another chance. At least he recognizes it as a problem. Mine never did. Good luck to you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com