h told me tonight on the phone that he does not like me after I asked him why he is so mean to me. <BR>He said when he thinks of the things I do he gets so angry. <BR>I said well I love you and then he hung up on me.<P>He is upset with me because I won't let my kids around OW. (wacko) He is also upset that I spoke to Ow ex h about the affair after he called me. <P>I had written out the whole story but lost it when I went to send it. I dont have time right now to retype it again but I am really upset. <P>I am just about in Plan b now. I rarely speak with him and only see him at my kids games. <P>i know it is normal for the betrayer to blame everything on the betrayed because it helps them justify what a bad person we are and why they had the affair in the first place. <BR>Well there is no justification for the way he treats and talks to me. Everyone see it too. He is the one who looks foolish so I'm not bothered that much but its so hard to accept his behavior when for the past 20 years I have never seen anything like it. His own parents feel so bad for me because of the way he treats me.<P>We always got along so well. Never raised our voices, always went to bed happy. I am having a difficult time with dealing with this personality type.<P>i just dont know who he is at all anymore. HE is an alien. my gut is telling me that this is who he is going to be. There is no changing him. Not sure if he will ever "wake up". <P>At this point, I continuosly ask myself why ? Why the hell do I care. I would be crazy to want to be with a man like my h is today..<P>I am about ready to give up on him. He does not deserve me at all. I sure as hell do not deserve to be treated as cruel as he treats me. <P>He won't even talk to my father at the baseball games because my father is near me and he can't stand to be around me. <BR>Makes me laugh at the stupidy of such a statement but then it also makes me cry. I dont have a mean bone in my body. <P>He use to tell me that I was the nicest, kindest person he knows. Well today he will tell you I am the cruelest and all because He can't get his way with everything he wants.<P>I'm fed up. <P>Bad night in Missy land!!!<P>Does anyone have any advise for me or can you give me a reason to continue to hold out until h waked up from this nightmare???<P>My gut is telling me that he will never wake up and the person he is today is truly who he is and it just took this wacky OW to bring out the real him. <P>If that is the case, I want no part of the real him.....

Missy, hang tight...this is not the real H. I, like you, want the real h to please stand up!!! As you know, my situation is so similar in marraige and personality change of H. In my case I think H's counseling and the absolute negativity coming from his colleagues and family to slow H down from getting together with OP (living)<P>Everyone has to do what is best for them. I was having too hard a time, because my H was being somewhat nice to me, but acting like he was doing it for the kids only and still defending this coworking relationship and seeing her all the time and being really mean to me in counseling and then saying "let's get something to eat" afterwards. <P>I had to distance myself (plan b i guess). I need to work on myself, calm down, get over the unbelievable "change" and focus on me and the kids.<P>After 2 slipups (me) I am really doing better in planB. I am distancing myself emotionally, going to counseling, reading, and finding fun things for me to do.<P>My H calls every night to talk to the kids and he is now always asking them to ask me things. Plus tonight he left a message that said "Hi...calling to talk to everybody" and not "calling to talk to the kids" Do you suppose that is significant?<P>I am not the perfect wife and know where my weaknesses were these last 2 years, but I wanted to take myself out of my H's confusion alittle and make myself stronger. <P>My H also sent me dinner when he brought the kids home on the weekend and told them to thank me for helping pick out the FDpresents.<P>Too be quite honest, those are the nicest things he has said or done since this thing started. Do you suppose he is doing a little plan A to help keep me around while he is still confused????<P><BR>Anyway Missy, you seem a lot like me, focusing so much on him and his changes and the whys and what we did to make them do this etc. etc. Maybe a little emotional distance would help you gain perspective on this. <P>I'm sure others would disagree and say keep planaing...but if you find yourself LB'ing coz your constantly wondering WHAT HAPPENED like me....some emotional distance might help.<P>Remember..even people like Lori had that emotional distance even when it was the other direction..... Her H simply vanished out of her life for a while......I think the distance helps them too. I could be wrong I guess....I'm wrong sometimes!!!!! (ha) <P>When they are in our faces...being mean, maybe we should go the other way. <P>You know, I think that is actually a divorse-busting thing. I read that book at some point and seem to remember something called "going dark"!!!<P><BR>It is always a difficult thing to do with kids... My kids go out to the garage to get in the car...then my H will ask them to ask me if he can change his cloths in the house. It is so weird!!!!!

Thanks for your reply, I was actually replying to your thread at the same time. <P>I wish more than anything That I could do a full plan B and not see or talk to him at all. <BR>That is just not possible when you have kids involved. Especially in the summer months. He is a teacher and is off all summer so he will have to watch the kid most of the time. <P>I also see him at my kids games about 3-4 nights a week in the summer. I am not going to miss my kids games. Forgive me but Screw him, this was his decision not mine. <P>I will do my best to not talk to him anymore for now on. I will stay far away for him because they way I am feeling right now I am losing my love for him.<P>I am also angry that I am spending an hour and 1/2 on this computer searching for answers while he is with OW probably sleeping soundly. <P>I am to good of a person and I was to good of a wife to deserve this. <P>I to got the line, its not you its me. You were perfect. Nothing was wrong with our marriage. The only problem was that I fell in love with someone else. <P>This would all be so much easier if he could just give me a clue as to what need he was missing. Its harder when you don;t know.<P>I'm off to bed now. I'll check in with you tomorrow. <P>Try not to let him take up so much space in your head. Thats what I am going to do...<P>Bless you!!!!!

"You don't know how many times when you were out I wished you'd died in an accident and released me from these pits of hell."<P>Does that qualify as, um, not liking me?<P>How about "I've wasted so much of my life with you, being miserable living with a miserable woman, I don't intend to waste another minute." ?<P>I've got plenty more if you need them! <P>Of course, now, he doesn't even REMEMBER most of them and he's ashamed and guilty for the stuff he does remember.<P>All I'm saying, Honey, is that it's pretty typical. It hurts, it's frustrating and it makes you want to give up, but it's right out of the handbook!<P>You have to do what's best for you, there's not doubt about that, but you need to learn not to let his actions influence your feelings right now. Now that IS a tall order, isn't it???? And, yes, I do realize what I'm saying. And how much it hurts. Could've filled a lake with the tears I've cried.<P>But try to keep it in perspective (ok, Wassi, you're right). And don't make any decisions when you're angry or upset. Wait until a moment of calm, ok?<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Missy}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

I guess its typical but I am getting so tired of it. <P>I think I am putting so much emphasis on the timing of this whole thing. <P>I am coming up on the 6 month mark now and things just seem to be getting worse. Perhaps I should not let all of those statistics about how long the average A last because nothing about my situation is average.<P>I'm off to my counselor tonight and he is going to get a mouthful from me. I still feel so angry today about my conversation with h last night..... UGH!!!!

Well went to counselor tonight and really gave him a mouthful. I vented big time. <P>He said there is a very fine line between love and hate. He says my h loves me deeply but will twist anything he can to turn it into hate so he can justify what he is doing. <P>I agree with him and I have heard it before.<BR>It just does not make it any easier. <P>He also told me that our situation is like a slingshot. You know the one where you pull the rubberband all the way back and release the ball. <P>He said that I am at one end of the rubberband and that Ow is at the other. HE said my h is slowly pulling away from me and everyday he is getting closer and closer to OW. But, there IS going to come a point where that ball will let loose and BAM he will be running back to me. <P>I guess that makes sense and is right out of the textbook but i just don;t see it. <P>On another note, my h and I were given a gift certificate to a local restaurant for christmas. Well he came by today to drop off a check for me while i was not at home and he added an extra $25<BR>because he went into my jewelry box where I had the gift certificate and he took it.<P>How low can he stoop????????????<P>What a loser??????????<P>You would think after all he has put me thru he would not even think about keeping that gift certificate. It get funnier and funnier everyday. I wonder how Ow will feel knowing she is dining on my Christmas gift? <BR>I wonder what tomorrow will bring. <P>I could write a book on my situation and make millions.....

If you really want to reconcile, don't give up. I thought my H was the worse candidate in the world for change and would never come out of his fog. I am a true believer in Plan A now though. <P>I think his fantasy world is collapsing because after accusing me of being sneaky, crazy, and of cheating him of money, he finally is seeing that he is "under the influence" and the things he said were wrong. The truth DOES come out and I think most of the betrayeds will see it for what it is.<P>This will happen to your H too. The question is, do you have the patience to hang in there on a Plan A (or B) until it does? When is enough enough? When he crashes, he will need someone to support him. Let it be you.