After really listening to Schizzo and just learning, I think I am going to get "Surviving an Affair" and read it. I've never done that yet. Actually, I haven't read any of the Harley books yet. I would like to ask my H to read it with me, and see if we can make some progress. I am trying to decide if I should bring the book with us to the beach, and try to broach the subject with my H, or if this would ruin vacation and wait until after. We are leaving Saturday for a week, with our kids, and I don't want to make tension on a family vacation, but I am also feeling ready to talk about this with him and don't want that feeling to fade...<P>(for any of you who haven't read my updates on other threads: I ended an affair with an OM 4-5 years ago after my H was informed about it by a mutual friend. H and I never discussed the affair, he didn't want to hear about it. Afair resumed a year after discovery, ended again 2 years ago when I purposely moved away from OM. Saw OM for first time in two years last month- bad mistake, never do that again. Meanwhile, my marriage has never really healed because H and I are still not emotionally close and I feel like we need to finally discuss all that has occurred in order to heal).

I think I need to read that book, too. (Obviously!) Haven't done that, yet. <P>I wish you the best in telling him no matter when you decide to do it. You need to jump in when you're good and ready to discuss it, but I can also see you not wanting to ruin your vacation. Just use your best judgement, and try to "feel" him out. <P>My thoughts and prayers are w/you as you go through this. Good luck to you, you've been through more than I have.<P>

thanks, I'll let you know what happens when we get back. Be good

Tamis: You know, it's been three years since my spouse and I went through a big mess because of our marital inequities and lack of communication for over 20+ years. My spouse is in the dark about alot of things and that is where he'll stay. However, our relationship has always been lukewarm until 3 years ago and now is nearly cool. We do love each other, but I fear that we will be condemned to a life of comfortable existence and not marital bliss. My mother told me to not worry about him and only take care of myself. She said that we can't predict the future only live in the present and try to live our lives happily within ourselves. I asked even if it means staying with someone that may never truly love you? She replied, You don't know that. So in the meantime I live my life in uncertainty. What else is new? For me, it's hard to feel secure when you never know that when you touch your spouse if he is receptive to your love or repulsed by it. Maybe I think too much. I hope things go well with you and I hope you have more confidence in yourself than I. Have fun at the beach!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tamis:<BR><B>thanks, I'll let you know what happens when we get back. Be good </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I'll be good!!! Promise!!!! <P>

Tamis,<P>Whenever I have a difficult subject to bring up with someone (and I know God is prompting me to do it) I always pray that He will show me just the time, the way (the words to speak) and I pray ahead of time that the person will be receptive and able to hear. I would definitely bring the book, start praying now, don't fret - just wait for God's perfect timing. He will show you. Be ready and He will make the way.<P>God bless you!

Hi Tamis,<P>Yes, do read the book, best thing we ever did for our marriage.<P>I don't know when or how you want to talk to your h. But here's some thoughts:<P>1. I found out a few days before we left on a cruise. The trip was miserable in a way. The only time I've LOST weight on a vacation. BUT it was the best thing that could have happened. We had 7 days to be together with almost no interruptions. The kids spent most of their time in "kids camp". So we talked and cried.<P>2. On the other hand, if he had laid it on me on the trip (as he was originally planning), I might have felt like jumping off the ship (literally). I had the weekend before to decide if I wanted to go and to talk to Jennifer Harley.<P>So the trip could be a good time (depending on your plans) to muddle through the emotions TOGETHER, but you will need to help him help you.<P>And HOW you approach it is important to. Jennifer told my h to sit me down, tell me he was committed to working this out, and that he was to be willing to answer ANY questions.<P>Hope this helps, Tamis. But by all means, get the book. Did you read where my h carried it in his work briefcase w/out the jacket? Of course, I knew NOTHING about any infidelity at the time.<P>Hope this helps. I believe more strongly than ever that we must put the cards on the table, whatever happens. I now see how much courage it took for my h to do that. He could have continued to string it along...<P>Take care, I'll be praying for you to have wisdom in deciding...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Cindy