I've had an unbelievably sad day after doing that letter last night. I cried intermittently all day long. But now, the sadness is being replaced by an overwhelming sense of fear. <P>I'm thinking maybe it's a fear of 'getting in the pool' without my swimmies (the OM to cling to)? Why is it so scary? I'm almost in a state of panic!<P>What is this all about? Did anyone else feel this? Is this part of withdrawal? <P><BR>

I saw my cousnelor this morning. I think it's time for meds. Unfortunately she's not a psychiatrist so she can't prescribe the and everyone she referred me to is either away on vacation or isn't accepting new patients. And to top it all off, I found out my son failed English and Algebra and is NOT being promoted to Senior. He can take Algebra in summer school, but not English (still not sure why, waiting to hear back from the school). but since he has to go to summer school, I can't go on vacation this summer. I haven't had a vacation in 3 years! I NEED ONE!<P>AAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

{{{{{{{{{{{{TS}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Oh, TS, we're here for you. I feel your pain, I'm soooo sorry. Yes, I know exactly how you feel. I agree w/your counselor, time for meds! What about Prozac? I've heard some good things about that. I think what you're going through is the withdrawal. It's h*** isn't it! Guess that's why I chickened out. I'm not ready to get in that pool w/out my "swimmies" either. It's unbelievably scary, I agree!<P>I can't give you much advice because of where I'm at right now. But I can give you my comfort and understanding. You definitely need a vacation, you poor gal! I'm sorry about everything going on right now (like your son, etc.). You know they say when it rains, it pours!<P>I'm thinking of you. Keep your head above that water!!!!!!!!!

Writing the letter, even though I think I recall that you didn't send it, but you rehashed everything you felt/feel about the OM...it is almost like having contact and you get to imagine his reaction--in the best possible light, usually. What if his fantasy reaction was "what's this crap, doesn't she know it's over?"<P>I've written a few non-sent letters to my OM. It sets me back and re-sets the fantasy aspects. What you are feeling can definitely be a part of withdrawal. <P>A person is as a person thinketh. Keep very busy, think about anything but your OM.<P>And sorry about your son...and your vacation. Can you take a long weekend (or 2?) somewhere relaxing?<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Thanks, momma.<P>I'm a little less on edge. At least for the moment. I just talked to the guidance counselor and he said the teacher didn't think he was putting in the effort (this is true) and that's why English isn't allowed to be made up in summer school. He made me feel a ittle better about the situation. My son will still have senior standing as far as being able to participated n senior activities. He just needs to take junior English over again. All his other classes will be senior level classes. He can't graduate until he takes and passes senior English. he has several options for that. If he's soing well halfway through the year, he can take English at night at the community college. Or he can go for a part-time fifth year of high school. Just take English and then work or take community college courses in tandem. So hope is not lst for him, it's just delayed. The guidance counselor said some kids aren't ready to go out into the world and need that extra transition year. So if he needs the extra year, he needs it.<P><Deep breath><P>At least it gave me something else to think about for a while.<P>Lor,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>What if his fantasy reaction was "what's this crap, doesn't she know it's over?"<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's exactly what his reaction would have been if I had sent it. It would just make me look like the looney-tune that I am.<P>OK. So this fear thing is just another part of the withdrawal. I feel a little better knowing that.<P>I'm going to try to focus on some work now.<P>Thanks. <BR>

One thing that has helped me is to realize that I have to EXPECT to feel sadness, fear and all the rest that goes with this kind of hurt. When I realize that, I don't try to seek immediate relief (like contact the OM, dwell on all the memories and wonder if...). I let my feelings be. If a moment of sadness comes, I allow myself to cry, then it passes and I go on. During that time, though, I don't engage in a pity party for myself. I just let the feeling come and then pass. You do have to discipline your mind (as Lor said - think about anything except the OM - I just don't let myself go down that path).<P>I'm not sure about the fear part. What is interesting to me is that I have some resistance towards the efforts my husband is making - and that resistance feels kind of like fear. I have a lot of years of hurt coming from his passivity and indifference towards me. Now that he is making an effort, I am still having a hard time feeling safe and secure with him. I don't associate him with being a safe, secure place for me. I just think it will take time. <P>Also, when we let go of one there is a lag time before we have rebuilt with our spouse - like the time you are in the air waiting for the parachute to open. Will it open? Will I be safe? Can we rebuild? What will it be like? There are many unknowns, coupled with the knowns of what your relationship was like in the past (all those years of hurtful patterns of relating). So, maybe those are some of the fears.<P>It seems to me we just have to expect all these kinds of feelings, so try not to panic.<BR>

Truthseeker,<P>About meds.... do you have a primary care physician. My doc prescribed my meds for me. I know there is a lot involved with psychiatric drugs (hence psychiatrists) but maybe your GP could get you started on something and see if they help. Then, if he/she runs into problems with your script, you could get a different referral to a psychiatrist.<P>Just a thought...<BR><P>------------------<BR>RobinAnn<P>*********<P>Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.<P>Marianne Williamson

I know your frustration.. I thought I needed to take medication asap, but I didn't have any source to get prescription drug so I just was gonna take St Johns.. My therapist said there are many things unkown about St Johns so she reffered me to a psychiatrist. Because of my job I can have an appointment only after 5:00, I ended up waiting for 2 weeks and that was really hard, and got angry at everybody... because if I took st johns then at the time I could've felt better already. Anyway finally I saw a psychiatrist and after the session he told me he didn't think I needed to take meds!!! I was so upset, cried and told him then I would just go and get st johns... Then he prescribed paxil.. I just threatened him!!<BR>Anyway, my H got his med through his GP and I'm pretty sure it's easier to get an app.<BR>Good luck,<BR>Meg

TS -<BR>I do not think I have written to you before. I am an oldtimer who has been here over a year, and who's H has been in an affair for 2 years (18 mos since discovery - all in plan A up to now). He moved out 10 months ago except for a brief two month reconciliation period in the middle of this time - where there was ongoing contact with OW I should add and he went back to her. I am now in plan B because my H would never give up contact with OW - and I don't just mean occasional phone calls! . <P>I just wanted you to know how much your sharing your fears and feelings is helping me. Even though I sometimes now do not have a ton of faith that H and I will end up together - you have helped me have a terrific understanding of how he will be feeling should we ever have that chance. And this has helped me focus on something other than my current sadness and loneliness - and to actually think about ways I can help him through it. It is funny to say but your sharing your sad and sometimes desperate moments has given me more hope for rebuilding - in a strange way I guess because it helps me be more realistic about what I would be faced with. I am committed to doing whatever it would take to help H through withdrawal and reconnect if H ever gets to the point of being able to say he is finished with OW. I just could not wait it out endlessly in plan A.<P>I hope you soon find some peace and happiness. At least know that you are helping others, even as you sometimes feel so helpless yourself. <P>Sifted-<BR>Thank you for these words. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm not sure about the fear part. What is interesting to me is that I have some resistance towards the efforts my husband is making - and that resistance feels kind of like fear. I have a lot of years of hurt coming from his passivity and indifference<BR>towards me. Now that he is making an effort, I am still having a hard time feeling safe and secure with him. I don't associate<BR>him with being a safe, secure place for me. I just think it will take time. <P>Also, when we let go of one there is a lag time before we have rebuilt with our spouse - like the time you are in the air waiting for the parachute to open. Will it open? Will I be safe? Can we rebuild? What will it be like? There are many unknowns, coupled with the knowns of what your relationship was like in the past (all those years of hurtful patterns of relating). So, maybe those are some of the fears.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My H said almost the same to me. And I truly did understand and sought to know what I could do to help him face those fears. He just has not been ready to leap out of the plane yet - even though I have done my best to be a soft place to land.<P>Thank you ladies all so much for your wisdom and insight.<P>Starpony<p>[This message has been edited by Starpony (edited June 23, 2000).]

Hey, I just noticed this thread...Sorry you had a bad day yesterday...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Sadness and fear seem pretty much "normal" for right now. I'm glad you are going to try meds if your counselor thinks they will be helpful...<P>I think it is kinda like grief...you have to work through it, you know? Sadness for what you are letting go, starting to give way to fear of the unknown ahead, it really makes perfect sense. But, remember, for awesome women like us, there is nothing in the universe to fear, OK?<P>Big, big hugs.<P>Kathi

Sifted,<P>I expected the sadness, and have felt anxiety about rebuilding all along. The fear I felt last night was beyond anything I expected. I think it's because I finally am getting to the point of letting go of the hope I had for a relationsihp with the OM. I think the exercise of writing the letter did what I intended it to do. I just wasn't as prepared as I thought I was for the feelings that would come rushing through.<P>You are right. I need to just let the feelings come and go and not get all worked up about them. That only makes it worse.<P>RobinAnn,<P>I don't have a primary care. I moved last summer and have been dragging my feet about finding a doctor in this area. I have to do it soon, though. Maybe now would be a good time.<P>MF,<P>I tried St John's Wort. It made me feel lightheaded and high as if I was on drugs. I didn't like that feeling (it made it tough to work) so I stopped. <P>Starpony,<P>Wow! What a long struggle you've been through. I hope things get better soon. <P>Like everyone else, I come here for support, advice, and sometimes just to vent. It makes me feel good to know that others are being helped in the process. Thank you for letting me know.<P>Kathi,<P>Thank you for the hugs. You have always been a great source of support. I hope things are better for you today, too.<P>I'm doing OK right now, so I guess I better get some work done, while I'm functioning.<P>Thanks, everyone, for your support. I don't think I would have come even this far without MB and all of you great people here.<P>This place has been a Godsend.<BR>

Truthseeker...<BR>How's your heart today? <BR>I've been right here going through the same emotional letting go as you have. I think for me this is the first time I'm doing it for real. <P>I've made several half-hearted attempts at ending my contact with OM as well, but this week I feel for the first time, this is it, it's over...I'm ready to let go of the safety rope and free fly. Yeah, I'm scared too. I'm numb, sad and yet I know I have to experience this. Like many have said, it's much like grieving the death of someone. We have to experience it and let it come before we can heal and move on. <P>I hope you're feeling better today. <P>I'm researching different anxiety remedies. I'm currently using Sam-E...as well as <BR>5-HTP. They help a little, but the pain is still very real. I don't want to mask it with drugs, so I'm choosing to just ride it out. <P>Thanks for sharing your heart!

Hi Wings.<P>I'm going through lots of ups and downs. There are times when I feel almost normal. I feel hopeful about my marriage. <P>Then there are times when I am overcome wiht sadness and just start crying for what seems like no reason.<P>And there are times when something will happen, someone will say something or I'll hear a song that reminds me of the OM and I'm sobbing again.<P>I was very tempted today to email him and tell him how much I miss him. But even if I did, he probably wouldn't read it, wouldn't respoind to it and it would be like going back to square one becauyse I'd be waiting for the repsonse that will never come.<P>It really is like mourning a death. For all intents and purposes, the OP must be dead to you. You can't ever see him or talk to him or be with him again. Just as if he was dead. And that is what jhurts more than anything. That is why it is so hard to let go. I want to be able to see him again, to talk to him again, to dance with him again...<P>But I can't.<P>In an effort to end this post on a positive not, my H is being as wonderful as he could possibly be. He hugs me when he sees that I'm 'drifintg off' and getting sad. His hugs feel good. <P>I heard that SAM-e doesn't work in oral form (K, who is a chemist, posted that). I tried St. John's Wort and it made me feel high, so I stopped. I just asked my counselro for meds, but she can't prescribe them, so she referred me to several psychiatrists who can. One is away on vacation, one isnt taking new patients and the other never called me back.<P>I didn't want to mask it either. But it is getting increasingly difficult to focus on my work and I can't afford to lose my job. So until I get over the hump, I want the drugs!<P>