My H just came back from OW's to spend our anniversary with me on Monday. I did really well on Plan A, it seems he's not in a fog at all, but small things he used to say about OW started to change(worse for me)... He used to say OW's cute, but now he says she's beautiful. He told me when he would love her I have the right to know(meaning he will let me know). He kept saying he "likes" her(and he "loves" me). Yesterday I called him and I asked him if he loves her and he said he started to tell her he loves her. Then he added, "it's easy to say(meaning doesn't mean much)" Well, he tells me he loves me and that's the same??? I'm too mad now.. if he loves her then just leave me alone.. he even told me the small things about her started to get on his nerves.. then right after that he left to see her.. I told him about it and he said, "I wanted you to wait for me" but at the same time he can't guarantee he would come back to me.. he's too selfish, only thinking about himself, now he says he loves both of us. I'm very insulted he can put our 7 yrs and there 6 months in the same "love". I realized that he just don't care, he just want to be with her. If he loves me like he says then at least he could make things right by divorcing, but he doesn't do, as long as we are married I'm not gonna see anybody, and I will keep bugging about OW. I'm so p!$$ed and feel like throw everything.. because he's just too sick and anything I do won't change a thing.. I asked him what I am for him(OW is his girlfriend now), I know he doesn't see me as his wife. so I said "am I your ex-wife" then he said, "I don't know... another girlfriend??"... Well, I'm his another girlfriend whom he won't even have a sex with!! I had enough! <P>MF

Hear ya LOUD and CLEAR over there MF.<P>I've got the same symptoms goin on over here in my life.<P>It totally incenses me when my H says that the OW and I should talk, as though he's putting me in the same category as her. Say's he loves both of us [been w/me 20 yrs and OW 11 mos). I wonder what my H considers me as, I'm affraid to ask, I'm probably girlfriend #2, and "no" there is no sex here either.<P>So here's what we need to do ... remember they're in an addiction, it's an addiction. Just keep telling yourself that. I do. The things my H says are so off the wall I know he is going thru something very weird and has lost control. He hasn't got a clue, and the things he's saying today, will most certainly be forgotten tomorrow. My H denys things he said two days ago and doesn't remember actions either. Our counselor and I have cracked up a couple times witnessing my H's non-existence memory or should we say memory of convenience.<P>So you're not alone. I'm telling you. There are many of us. These are symptoms of an addiction and they do not have control.<P>You can only control you, and the best thing for you right now is to ignore his negative comments and actions. You might try not asking him any more regarding the OW, he's just gonna blow smoke up you behind.<P>I'm really sorry you're going thru this, I have felt your frustration and know your hurt all too well. I struggle with it every day. Just know that you're not alone, but mainly know you ned to stop letting what he does and says affect you so negatively. Easy to say, huh?<P>Thoughts and prayers, and keep posting!<P>Jo

Josey,<BR>the thing is, he sees OW officially now and I feel he's addicted to me!! It's a bad way to see but I can't stop feeling this way. <P>Yesterday when I called him I LBed big time but I didn't care anymore because all of the things he said was too crazy.. He said like "I have many choices(women)", "I feel bad about your feelings but I don't feel bad what I do", etc etc..<P>He just called from the States and left a message, he sounded totally happy, doesn't seem remembering anything from yesterday's conversation.. He even said he would call later or tomorrow.. I really don't feel like talking to this sick man. He will never get it, and I don't want to do any plan A anymore. What's the point??<P>I just want to forget about whole thing. Why only I am suffering?? He says he's not happy even if he's with OW, well if he divorce me and if he tries to be with only one woman and don't drag others then maybe he will find a happiness..<P>I'm very bitter right now.<BR>I know your H is a musician too, my therapist told me her another patient who's H is a musician and we both are very similar, like wait for H to be back patient... Maybe that's musicians' wives' character....<P>MF

So MF, are you telling me your H is a musician too?<P>OMG! What is it with these guys. My H acts as though b/c he is a musician that he's exempt or outside of normal, acceptable conventions for moral living.<P>He is also very sick. He's even admitted it. But sometimes he forgets he did, FOG.<P>I am not talking to my H. I can't survive this if I'm in contact with him. I get totally dysfunctional aft seeing or talking to him. He confuses me to the point where I don't know what is right or wrong.<P>I believe My H is also "addicted" to me. He will not stop calling and wants to see me, like a fix or something to get him thu the day. I feel like I'm his mommy, sick!<P>Hang in there MF. All I can say is you're not alone. It probably doesn't help w/the pain but at least you know you're not crazy.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Hey MF,<P>Me again. Say, I'm reading the book "Private Lies " by Frank Pittman. Lora recommended it. I read a bunch last night. I think you should get it. There's a couple chapters in it that explain what happens when the WS and OP finally get to be together and what transpires. IT'S NOT A PROMISING OUTCOME! <P>It explains why the odds are against the relationship lasting and makes perfect sense. <P>It always help me to deal with all this pain when I understand the symptoms of where this betrayal comes from, and where's it headed.<P>Jo

Thanks Josey,<BR>I will try to get this book.. anything helps me think and make me have a hope.. I need that!<P>Right now I'm calm.. So many people told me to focus on myself, not to think about my H's activities but it's so hard to do, you know? My problem is I can't stop myself wanting to know and end up asking my H about it and at the end get hurt so badly.<P>From yesterday's experience I thought I really had to focus on myself.. it's crazy to be on this emotional rollercoaster depends on what my H does.<P>I think(yes just I "think") I'm not too hurt from now on even if my H does hurtful things(and that's not to me).<P>Are you on Plan B now?? You did good Plan A for an year... Me, started from Plan B(without knowing), so I'm back to Plan A right now.. I'm not sure how I will react next time my H contacts me, but hopefully I will be calm..<P>Thanks again,<BR>MF<P>