Okay, you are like the woman of steel. How are you so caring and nice? You care about my H's feelings and you have never even met the jerk. I (gritted teeth) LOVE him and I don't give a rat's a$$ how he feels right now. <P>My question is this: You have graciously responded to two of my posts lately and mentioned how my H must be suffering. I honestly need your insight in this because I really don't see it. Do you mean suffering because he gave up the OW? I don't care about that. Do you mean suffering because he sees now what a STUPID, STUPID man he was? What do you mean, Lori? I really don't see it and I need you to shed some light. <P>And honestly, may Marriage Builders lightening strike me down, I feel I have every right to make him see how much pain and devastation he has caused. For my benefit? You got it. I really just feel like, hey, if you can trample all over me and our children, and not want to hear from me, then SEE YA. Maybe because he is here and trying (so it appears) I feel safe in letting him know how I really feel. <P>So, can you shed some light on his suffering situation. Because all I know is that I have got a lifetime's worth of frequent flyer miles to hell and back and he seems to be sitting pretty.

Dead Inside -<P>I can personnally tell you how he's suffering. I was the WS until my spouse decidied to have a "revenge affair". Here's how I felt - guilty, ashamed, angry, etc... I felt guilty because I watched all of the life in my H's face drain becuase of the pain I had caused him. I couldn't face it. Here was this man that I had been faithful to even before we got married and now I had betrayed him. I was ashamed because he had told a few of his most dear friends and now I was an outcast. Angry because I felt he drove me to it. I felt that he had always ignored my needs because he thought I was so tough and didn't need much! Wrong!!! When I married him, I was relieved. It finally meant that after being the oldest of three girls, I could finally rest. No one needed me to defend them, I didn't have to buy them clothes. He was going to take care of all my needs. I felt abandoned by him when he went overseas (military). I felt that he never took my feelings into consideration. <P>Trust me, your H is suffering. He probably feels all of what I described to you. If you ever see him just gaze off with a blank stare, I doubt he's thinking of the OW. He's probably hurting. Just be patient and try not to add to his guilt. You're a walking symbol of his guilt.<P>Hope this helps!<P>Vee

Dead,<P>I really know how you feel. I remember it well.<P>But as far as this question, I posted one last reply on your thread about whether the pain goes away about this. That thread has since dropped off pg 1. Did you see it?

Dead Inside<BR>May MB lightening strike me down as well but my H pushed me to the point that I do not give a rat's a** about withdrawal pain either. That would be because I cared for months about his pain while he was calling her 10 times a day after he "ended" it twice.<P>Vent for the day!<P>What I do see is the pain of guilt. You may not see that now. I'd bet money that it is there. Yes they should feel guilty but....that has to have an end too. It will just get in the way of recovery. If he feels guilty to the point that he feels unworthy of love you cannot rebuild. <P>I will always remember my H in tears because he felt that he had "lost his integrity" by sleeping with the bimbo. I quite firmly informed him that he lost his integrity when he started lying. Years before he slept with her. That wasn't helpful but it was true. <P>DI, do you really think that your H likes what he sees in the mirror? That's the pain that we are talking about. Try to empathise just a little and imagine what you would feel like if you had done those things. You have every right to your feelings. Remember though that he is NOT proud of who he became. And the more that he comes out of the fog, the more he will dislike the person who did that.<P>I won't ramble anymore. There is much more. It's almost like being very drunk and waking up the next morning and saying "My gosh, I did that?" Don't know if I'm helping. <P>You know what though...every "woman of steel" you have seen here has had their moments of absolute devastation. I've been here a very long time and seen pretty much everything.<P>Hang in there. We're here.<P>BTW if you want him to read about what it feels like to be betrayed, the first chapter of "After the Affair" by Janis Springs pretty much says it all. I cried when I read it because it was Soooo accurate. It will make you feel much more normal as well. Try to get a hold of it if you can.<BR>

<B>Dead Inside</B><P>Hello, I haven't posted here much in a very long time. I just read your post (obviously) and I felt that I needed to tell you how it went here.<P>My husband had an affair with a woman from work. It lasted a very long time and he was majorally in love with her. He only stayed here for our daughter. It was a real blow. I know you understand and feel the same kind of pain.<P>I believe it is okay for you to let your husband see your pain. The trick is to be understanding of his and to let him know and see that you don't like exposing him to your pain. It is just something you have to go through and occasionally he will see it. Not something you plan to do and not something you are doing to make him feel guilty. Guilt is never an easy pill to swallow and most of us will run the other way when faced with that very large pill.<P>You don't want to make him feel guilty. When we feel guilty we usually will find something or someone to make us feel better. Which ever it is it won't make him closer to you.<P>I can tell you this, my husband suffered greatly. He suffered at the feelings of giving up the OW but, he also suffered because he disappointed God, his child, his parents, and me.<P>He suffered at knowing the incredible hurt he caused me and all involved. Yes, including her. All of it made him feel terrible and there were many days he wished he was dead. He said many times if he could take it back and change it he would.<P>Now, I don't mean to sugar coat this at all. He loved this woman and didn't love me. Now, he is in love with me again. Things can work out, they really can. Things get better much better. The principles here and God can get you through. Not to mention the most wonderful people at this site. Lostva is one in a million and we can all do well by learning from her example. That doesn't mean we will or can do it just exactly like she did but, still all in all she is the "Queen of Plan Aing".<P>No matter what your husband is suffering. The degree doesn't matter, what matters is making your marriage better. You can do it. Sometimes it feels like you may be the only one giving it 150% but, that is okay as long as the goal is reached. That is the key, keeping your eye on the goal not the trial.<P>Hope this helps? There is a wonderful song by Gary Moore called "Through it." If you can get a hold of it you may find it will help you understand all of this. It sure helped me and the album is now one of my favorites.<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited June 22, 2000).]

Dear "Dead...."<P>Your pain is justifiable. I betrayed my wife. It rocked her world. Something Harley has said that makes a lot of sense is this: "There are no excuses for affairs, but there are reasons."<P>I wish my wife....would really try to help us both discover the "reasons" as to what happened to "us". After the initial disclosure of a brief meeting 6 months ago, me and my friend resumed contact by email and phone. We live hundreds of miles apart. WE have tried repeatedly to break off all contact. There is quite a strong emotional tie between us. I am not trying to justify it...but simply stating it is there. <P>Married people can grow apart...it doesn't happen over night...and won't be fixed overnight either. I have not wanted to hurt my wife any further by letting her know how much I am struggling with this.....nor do I want her to see the pain I know awaits me when total contact is broken off. My friend became everything to me.....that my wife is "suppose" to be. To say goodbye forever...is like cutting off a vital limb or organ....and you fear bleeding to death. <P>It is not a pretty thing to go through. You don't deserve this pain. But there is no escaping it. I guess the issue at hand here is...are you or your husband strong enough to want to want the marriage to survive? I am numb with pain...burned out...tired...lonely...and feel paralyzed. I cannot look my wife in the eyes and tell her I have fallen deeply in love with another woman. She does not deserve this.<BR>Me nor the other woman in my life even consider leaving our spouses....to pursue a life together. We know it would be doomed for destruction...and cause so much hurt. We just are struggling to let go...for good. I am not sure I can do this ...without the help of my wife. What I mean by this is that if we cannot even discuss how this all happened...and work on the things that caused the distancing to take place in our marriage....I don't know that I will ever find my way back to her. <BR>Again...please understand me....I am not blaming her, nor am I trying to justify what I did. By the way...we are talking pretty much of an emotional affair here with one physical brief meeting 6 months ago...(no intercourse) We actually met a year ago...ironically....here at MB.<P>All the 'truth....logic...and reason"....seems to make little headway with me. My heart and emotions are pretty much in control right now...which is not real good I suppose.<P>I suspect that my wife....if given the grace and strength and love...by God....could be very instrumental in helping me 'find my way back." I don't mean to suggest that I deserve her love and forgiveness....but again...I ask you....how bad do you want your husband back? This may sound crude and cold....but the ball is in your court. You have been dealt a horrible blow. Your husband has already showed you his "character" and "loss of integrity". What are you going to do about it?<P>I wish my wife...would give me some sign...that she would be willing...to help me find my way back. She doesn't even know where I am at...and I am scared to death to tell her. <P><p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited June 23, 2000).]