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Joined: Aug 1999
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I think I was to quick to forgive my husband. We have discussed some things that happened but I still have many questions. If I ask them - he becomes upset and tells me it's not good for our marriage to keep bringing up the subject. I have told him that I would not bring it up again and that we would go forward not keep reliving the past. For those of you who are betrayers - how do you feel about being asked details of what you and the OW did - do you think it helps or harms your marriage if your spouse continues to bring up the matter and ask details of what you did?
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 137
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As betrayer, I only WISH my H were asking those questions you are asking of your H. If we were able to talk about WHY I (mistakenly) felt I had to find emotional love and support elsewhere, we would be further along on the road to recovery. In my opinion, talking about why it happened is very necessary.
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Joined: Jul 1999
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swalley,<P>Speaking from personal experience, I think it's important for the betrayer to give truthful answers (I'm paying the consequences for not being totally truthful). <P>But I also think that it's harmful for the betrayed to ask too much. Things that become exposed might be too much to bear. The betrayed feels compelled to ask, but every answer brings forth more hurtful information. Not only that, but the betrayer has to relive those times when they weren't exactly a good person. Personally, I find it very destructive.<P>--airheart
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Joined: Dec 1969
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I don't mind my H asking questions, and in fact, wish he'd ask more because I do have a need to talk about things and share ALL my feelings, and I think HE should be the one I talk to and share my feelings with. Unfortunately, my H is the exact opposite. He is very uncomfortable with questions about details of his affair. He answers me, but he tenses up and is very reluctant. This is one of the toughest hurdles we face.... coming to terms with our differences in this area.<P>Fortunately, my H realizes that he needs to work with my "need to know," rather than fight against it. It's not always the most pleasant experience, but we get through it. The good thing is, once the questions have been answered, they're put to rest. If he continued to dodge them, they'd always be in the way.
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Joined: Aug 1999
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As betrayed (yrs. ago) and betrayer (over for 3 months now), I know about the questions from both sides. As hard as it is to hear, if my H asks questions I give him truthful answers. On the really tough questions, I say "this is not something you really want to hear, is it?" and he thinks about whether he really, really needs to know. If he feels he does, I tell him. He's been very, very hurt by some of the answers, but it's the right way to go.<P>As far as being too fast to forgive... If you honestly forgave easily, I think your H is very lucky indeed.
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Joined: Jun 1999
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SWALLEY, I talked about my feelings regarding the questions in a thread called "Why does H want to know the details?" You may want to read it.
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Joined: Aug 1999
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SWALLEY --- In my situation I think my H asking all the questions will only make our marriage better. I learn to be a lot more open and honest with him. It also makes me dig deep down to find out how I really do feel about everything. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the questions but I know it will help.<P>It will also help my H because he can the figure out what happened and why. He may find something that I really wanted or needed and he wasn't fullfilling that need or want. I see his questions as a positive thing. I may not want to answer his questions right away. I sometimes feel I need time to answer them, but when I do give him those answers he so desperatly wants and needs I know it will only improve our marriage.
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Joined: Aug 1999
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Thanks for all your replies. We have talked more and it helps. Actually our marriage couldn't be better right now - but I have always felt blessed to have my H. He is a very loving, caring and kind person and since all this has happened - is even more so. I think sometimes it takes bad times in marriages to make them stronger. I guess my case may be a little different in that he never carried on an affair or fell in love with someone else. I don't think our marriage would have survived that. But to those who do - May God Bless.
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Joined: Aug 1999
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If you as a part of this issue have told your H that you will not bring it up again, then it will appear to him that you have continued your part of the betrayal by not adhereing to you word, and the established guidlines (rules of engagement) that allowed you to reconcile. Alternately, why not simply wait it out a bit and see if he will open up to you. I really feel that he will find a path to bring everything to light if given the freedom to do so without judgemental pressure. My opinion only, but might be worth a try. My wife can't seem to live this part of the reconcil agreement either, and it keeps the wounds wedged open. Give love a change to recover before you inspect the scars.
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