Ok - it's been a rocky two weeks for me. All of this mess happened a few days after our anniversary. What I really want to know is when does all the pain, hurt and sadness go away.<P>Friday - I got home early and just cried. My H came in shortly after I did and found me in our bed, makeup a mess and pillows wet. He trys to make me laugh but what infuriated me was that he made a comment to the effect of he didn't want to see me all 'glassy-eyed'. I'm thinkg what do you expect!!! <P> I feel like a fool sometimes. Now granted, I also had a PA, but in my mind at least I didn't do it to you while you were here! (I know that's wrong but it's how I feel) I'm so hurt because my level of trust is gone. I don't believe anything he says. Some days I'm ok, then I have days like this where the pain is so great. What am I doing wrong here. I know my H is sorry, but he's just so happy 'to have my life back' (those are his exact words). I need to hear I'm sorry, let me make it up to you or something. <P>Has anyone figured out when all the pain subsides?<P>Vee

Vee,<P>I would take your H's comment very seriously. He is trying to pick you up. He sees how hurt your are. Remember he knows about the pain of betrayal.<P>You are making excuses about your PA and how it hurt him. You are hurting as is normal in these situations.<P>Your H is happy because he is out from under something he knew was very wrong; the affair. It was clearly eating him up. All of this will take time, my bet is the pain will subside once you both admit to what you have done to each other.<P>Vee, your H doesn't trust you anymore than you trust him. If you two can distance yourself from this and look at it as friends, you will see the mistakes, but you will also see the love. This will take <B>time</B>, that dreaded word.<P>Your discovery is newer, but I suspect that both of you will have to decide to put down the "who's hurt most issues" and realize you are in the same boat. The good news it is a love boat. <P>Your H wants to be with you. You want to be with H. You have hurt each other terribly (no excuses Vee, he wasn't here doesn't get it ). But you do love your H and he does love you.<P>Talk Vee, read if he will, and keep going. You are going well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL -<P> I know that there are no excuses. But there are times that I just can't be happy. Last night everything was ok until I looked over at him. I just hurt to know what happened. What I really need is to be reassured that it will all be ok. I don't feel like I'm getting that. All I hear from him is how happy he is that it's over.<P>I'm glad too, but I need a few hugs and kisses for reassurance. Funny note is that the OW's fiance caught her! My H was coming from her house from their 'final goodbye talk' and saw him leave. Needless to say she is in hot water.<P>I know it takes time, but it seems like so much sometimes. <P>Vee

Vee,<P>Why don't you tell him what you need from him? Hey the direct approach often works with us guys. You know the subtle stuff isn't as interesting. <P>He may also have some ideas that since this was a revenge affair that you understand all of this and don't need his help in rebuilding your feelings for him. Your situation is a little different from many others here in that you both have done this.<P>If I recall your first posts, your affair was in someway connected to the fact that you were mad at him for the way he went overseas. His affair was because he was mad at you for having the affair. In many ways both of your affairs have been about each other rather than someone else.<P>It seems to me some direct conversation between you two would really help. Remind him of why you had your affair and how hurt he was/is. Remind him of, as best you understand, why he had his affair and how hurt you are.<P>I don't know if this will work, but Vee you two do have it a little different. I don't know if you have read many other posts, but you should read Suse and DuncMac her husbands. In fact Suse still reads and posts occasionally. She had a long term affair and it ultimately led to her H having an affair.<P>Perhaps if you post to her she can give you some good advice. She is great and really understands this. Search for her name here and you will see which areas she mostly posts in these days.<P>Meanwhile, hang in there, it has only been a short time since your found out. It will take time for the pain to subside.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL - <P>I tried to explain to him Friday that for me it has been the pain of not being able to trust. There's a level of comfort in being able to come home and see your spouse sitting on the couch. I don't get that much. (as of right now he's not here) And I'm upset because I can't trust. I know that trust is accumluated through time and it hurts to be back at square one again. <P>He told me friday that he'll just be him - well that in itself is a problem. You being you got caught up in a PA by being your old charming self. Back in March I asked him if he was still attracted to me - I keep thinking about all the little signs, the holidays that now mean nothing and someone else had a post about all the t.v shows and songs that put them right back through the hurt and pain. <P>Maybe expressing this in words would help some, but I wish I could get him to see that just because we're on the same ground that it's somehow easy for me. It's not. I've been strong so long, that I can't keep doing it. I know I'm rambling but those are just a few of my feelings peeking through. <P>I just hope it gets better because right now everything is suspect. And I hate it. I'm starting to feel like my own prisoner.<P>Vee

Vee,<P>Hey gal! ((((((((VEE))))))))))))<BR>Listen! Sit down and talk to God. I promise this will help. I know exactly what your saying about being strong. i was so strong for so long. Then BOMB the affair. I am a betrayer. you can read my post about the hell im in now. <BR>I can say I know what your saying about being the strong one. I feel the very same way. i see the people on here trying to win their spouse back, I only wish mine would want to win be back. <BR>I just put trust in God. I completely gave this marriage to him. I am not going to take it back this time. I wasnt close with god until all this mess. That is the good thing out fo it. I am getting more intimate with God. If this does fail. I am closer with him. <BR>you will find peace there. Give it to him completely and DO Not take it back. we think that he isnt working. When really we give it to him and then take it back.<BR>Prayers<BR>REnee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Hi Vee,<P>Was he just himself the last year when he found out about your affair? I guess my question is: are you misinterpreting what he is saying? I realize I don't know either of you, but just think a minute. <P>Is the old him, the one before your affair. Is he feeling relief because his affair is over and by that does it mean that he has been able to put your affair away finally?<P>I am not trying to keep throwing your affair in your face, so please don't get defensive. What I am driving out, is that he has stated that his affair was a revenge affair. The reason for it was not because he love OW more than you. His reason for having it was revenge. He wanted you to catch him because it then gave him an out from an affair that he never really wanted. But he needed revenge.<P>So my twisted logic is this: he was not for another OW, he was out for revenge; he has gotten revenge; therefore, the need for another affair is gone. It seems he always loved you, and in his twisted logic that love drove him to an affair. <P>So while I realize trust has been damaged, your reason for fear is a little different from the normal affair. What does all of this mean to me.<P>It seems to me you two need to work on your communication skills. You need to meet his needs and he needs to meet yours. You had an affair for a reason. Is that reason now gone? I hope so. <P>Let some time pass but you two need to discuss many things. See if you can do so with him. I think you have reason to be very opitimistic for your future. Smile a little Vee. You both have trust issues to deal with why not do it together.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Inamess -<P>I've been doing a lot of praying and I feel better sometimes and not so good other times. I know that's where I got my strength when I first found out. I'll keep doing that <P>JL -<P>It's very possible that I'm misunderstanding what he's saying. And yes, the reason that I had the PA is gone. Another underlying factor behind my H's PA is that he was saying he would stay and work through my PA but, he was trying to have a back-up plan. I guess he thought that we'd never be the same and fell victim to that one person who hadn't betrayed him yet. (Those are his approximate words, anyway). <P>I think what's getting to me is that I don't want you to make me smile when I need to talk. So far his answer to my problem is to make me laugh. That's not getting it. I tried to talk to him last night and all he did was try to make me laugh. That simply doesn't help me at all. I asked him why he loved me and he didn't have an answer - just because isn't good enough. <P>He says he's over my PA. Which is fine for him, but I think that maybe he feels like I should be able to better handle it since I was somewhat prepared (I was secretly waiting for him to return the favor). I'm feeling like he's falling back on the same thing we first encountered (she's strong, she can handle it). Well - I can but I can't. (Does that make sense). I know he's happy life is back to normal (the PA is over) but I think he's missed the rest of the lesson. <P>Don't worry - I'm not defensive about your advice. I just any advice on this stuff. I married him for his sense of humor, but jeez - for once can't he take a little time to see I'm not the tough as nails image I give to the outside world? Heck - I cry during the end of movies! <P>Inamess - again - thanks for your advice!<P>Vee<p>[This message has been edited by Vee (edited June 27, 2000).]

Vee,<P>I think you are missing the point about his humor. I suspect it is his way of trying to communicate with you that he understands without really being emotional. Many people under terrible emotional stress even death of a loved one or friend with resort to (guillose sp) humor.<P>It is his defense mechanism you are seeing, not his lack of feelings. Guys do this all the time to one another. If they see another guy down, they won't go over and ask "whats the matter", and the discuss the issues. They will try to make them laugh. Kid them, tell jokes. It is, I guess, a guy thing.<P>Your H knows you are hurt. His way of dealing with it is to make you laugh your way to healing. It isn't what you want but it may be his best way of communicating that he knows you are hurt.<P>Think about it and watch guys deal with each other especially if there is an injury (physical or mental).<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Vee, <P>Really try to listen to what JL said, I couldn't have said it any better!<P>You want to talk about your hurt, and he should understand it better than my h did (who has not experienced it), but there is a point where it really causes more harm than good to keep talking about it. <P>We were doing well in our recovery when I couldn't seem to stop from crying, wanting to talk, etc. He couldn't help much anyway. And we didn't get back on course until we got back to having fun together.<P>You make love deposits to each other when having fun and time takes the edge off the pain.<P>I hope I half explained it. It was very hard for me to cry alone and smile when I was around him, BUT IT REALLY WORKED.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

JL & Cindy -<P>Thanks guys for listening. That's why I love this board! I can see your point in what he's trying to do as far as helping me heal.<BR>I did get a really big boost when he asked me to meet with him to work out at the gym. He even wanted me to meet his at the field after footbal practice ! By the way - JL (since you've been following this), they have moved their practices to a different football field! That helps me tremendously because that means the OW doesn't know where he'll be practicing. I did feel alot better after he asked me to meet him later. Unfortunately for me, I've got to go to the library to work on a paper so, I'm just going to meet him at the gym on campus.<P>Maybe I could chalk all this up to PMSing So that could be why I'm a little more irritated. I'll try to keep in my mind what he's doing with using humor, especially since he hates to see me cry.<P>Cindy - when does the talking start to do more help than good? I mean, I'm not trying to talk about the sorrid details (I can't handle that, so I try not to think about it). But I think I just want him to understand that I need a little reassurance that everything will be ok. (Does that make any sense?) I would just like to hear him say - we're going to put the pieces back together. Ok - that's my bit for the day.<P>Thanks guys! (((((Big HUGS)))) <P>Vee

Hi Vee,<P>You know if you need a little reassurance why don't you ask him. "Do you think we can make this work?" He may look at you and just stare or ask why do you ask that? You could reply, "because right now my confidence isn't very high and I need to know what you think."<P>As for the details, well if they might bother you don't ask. Don't worry about it, your H always loved you and even for guys that means a lot. <P>Hang in there Vee, he has to digest many things about what he has done, it takes time. <P>God Bless,<P>JL