To make a long story short - my H had a one time encounter with another women while he was away on business. Their relationship (other than the one night encounter) took place on the phone for about a month after he returned. I found a letter he wrote to her that was a huge slap in the face to me. He basically told her that he was in love with her, he was living a lie with his wife, she was everything he ever wanted in a woman and he wanted to be with her. Well, I am sure I don't have to tell you what happened from there because it is basically the same story as most everyone here.<P>It has been 5 months since my discovery. Since then, my H has assured me he wants our marriage to work. He has admitted that his feelings for OW were nothing but lust and he knows that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives.<P>So what is my problem?? I am on a one-way collision course to destroying my marriage because I am allowing this to destroy me. I have tried so hard to get past this but I just can't seem to let go. It is in my mind constantly - I wake up thinking about it and go to bed thinking about it. I can't get the images out of my mind of my H having sex with an OW. I can't understand how he could do this to me, how could he betray me and my trust. How could he defraud our marriage this way? I am so angry and this anger is coming through with mean and hateful comments to my H. He appears to take them in stride and I am sure he feels that he deserves to be treated this way but I know I am pushing him further away. I am pushing myself away from allowing us to heal - to move on and repair the damage to our marriage. <P>Why can't I control my feelings. How do I stop this and gain control over my life and my marriage before it is too late?

RHawkins,<P>You've been here awhile, and probably read a lot, so I don't want to repeat too much...<P>I know you may not feel like it, but you are sooo lucky. That it was sooo short, that he seems not to have been in-love with OW, etc.<P>I had to face 18 months of a double life, lots of sex, two women...And almost losing him.<P>As I've seen some who will NOT let go of the anger and pain, I've wondered if it could be that you didn't face LOSING HIM.<P>The key for me was to decide what I wanted in my life for ME, and I wanted to build something new with him. It was frustrating, but he couldn't really help me with this.<P>I had to decide to give our new life all I had. I had to distract myself whenever my mind went the wrong way. I had to learn how I could meet his needs better and he mine.<P>And I'm finally reaping the benefits. It's been about 8 months since d-day, and I am HAPPY with him.<P>

Thank you Schizzo,<P>You are right, I am very lucky. But right now my stubborn pride won't let me see just how lucky I am. I love my H very much but I just can't seem to show him just how much. The anger is clouding everything right now and it is as if there is this alter ego that has taken over. It seems as though if I give in and shower him with attention and love, trying to do whatever I can to meet his needs, then I am giving in to him and saying that it is ok that he hurt me. Stupid, I know, but I just can't seem to get past this. I am a very controlling person and I hate that. I don't want to be in controll - I want someone to take care of me for awhile. Is that so terrible?

R--<BR>It is not a terrible thing at all to want to be loved and to be treated in a loving way. Thing is, someone has to lead the way to healing and you are just as likely a candidate as your H.<P>It is not fair, the spot we betrayeds find ourselves in. But so few things in life are.<P>Remember that your H was in love with what he saw in that OW, and that wasn't everything. When he really started to realize what he was doing and what he would be missing without you he came back.<P>It's hard to come back to the relationship, but if you truly want your marriage to work, and it sounds as though you do, you have to let go. I have tried to push thoughts of the other women in my H's life back just one minute longer each day. I have varying degrees of luck, but the bad luck I have is related to other issues.<P>You can do this, R. Good luck! --HBC