Hi Guys:<P>Ok, just an update. After the infamous "I hate you" fiasco of two weeks ago, I have settled into a fairly good Plan A. No LBing. In fact the whole "I hate you" LBing session cleared the air a bit and all the telephone calls and visits from OW have stopped. In fact she hasn't called the office in 2 weeks. <P>Additionally, H has come to work every day and stayed until quiting. He still comes to our house every day to shower and change clothes and I have lunch with him each Friday. I really don't know where he is living or anything about OW and their relationship.<P>Ok, here's the rub. Although I am being very nice to him, trying to talk to him (not about relationship, but general stuff) he basically is just very apathetic about me.<BR>He doesn't call me other then for work related matters, and while he is at work he is polite but seems uninterested in my life or our kids lives at all. <P>This is really a change in attitude. Does anyone know what might be happening here? I'm at a loss. Maybe I'm missing something or doing something wrong. I'm hoping it's not just that he doesn't care anymore now that he has his OW all to himself (although I have a general impression that things are not as good as they could be). <P>This being separated kinda puts us out of the loop as far as information goes....he doesn't discuss his relationship with her or even mention her...he's all business.<P>It kinda hurts that after all these years we would have nothing to say to one another or that he would just not care.<P>Buffy

It hurts, but it is as if you are dealing with someone who has taken up residency within your husband, and your real husband is out to lunch.<P>It takes time, Buffy. Keep those lovebusters under control, and keep on keeping on. Sometimes we have to measure in smaller increments - time to re-evaluate the measuring tool - not the measurement.<P>God Bless You.<BR>Tnt

Hi Buffy,<P>Obviously I have no answers here, as I am usually begging others for help, but let me say...whenever I expect anything...ANYTHING...from my husband I end up dissapointed. <P>My H was a man who would have done anything for me. I went through quite a bad period years ago when I was having panic attacks and afraid to venture too far from home. This man changed his life to accomodate me. Went to the store, took kis to Dr. appts, drove me places. I think this period left him with the burn-out he now experiences.<P>DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING AND YOU'LL NEVER BE DISSAPOINTED.<P>I seem to know this on one level, but still I blow it pretty much daily. If he is not "up" when he calls me I am dissapointed. If he doesn't want to spend any time with me I am dissapointed. Yep, he can hear it in my voice when I feel let down by him, and it's no good. I have to work harder on this. It's tough to be "on" all the time, and not measure our moods to theirs, but from what I've seen from the success stories here that is what it takes.<P>Yesterday, for instance, he suggested a family trip to my mothers cabin. Thought it would be just great for us all to get together for a few days. The trip is up in the air because my mother is having surgery in a few days and I may need to be here...but TODAY...I suggested to H that we go to lunch this week to discuss some scheduling problems we are having...and he totally balked! So...I guess my point is...he is just nuts. It's ok for him to suggest just about anything, and all I have to do is ask him what he did the night before and he clams up.<P>Ok, ok I'm rambling again. They are just nutty Buffy, as you well know. We have to stay the same all the time, and not be crazy too.<P>allison

Buffy, I know what you mean about the apathy. I think my H suffers apathy except at work......there he appears normal from what I am told my my neighbors who work with him.....and here he looks like a worn out old man.<P>I don't know where it comes from...For my H it's as if he is only connected at work with strangers!!!! He is apathetic with me, the kids, and his family. Weird.<P>With your H, maybe the apathy is being in that fog state. (and maybe it is true for my H as well).... It's like they can;t quite put their finger on what it is that is making them so unhappy....they thought it was us right.....now maybe they aren't so sure.....<P>I know how strange it is...because I am living it too. (although I'm not looking at it now, because I won't talk to or see my H right now.)<P>My H looks strange in his eyes also...when I look at him he doesn't look like himself....he looks high or possessed. It's so sad...

Good Morning Everyone:<P>I'm up bright and early this morning because I couldn't sleep. I wrote this post at the office yesterday evening and am just now getting back to it.<P>I had a computer meltdown at home last night when I installed a new video adapter card and somehow shut down my hard drive. Some tweaking in setup restored it, but I wish I just one time I could install something without a major failure somewhere.<P>Thanks for your help guys. Sometimes I think we know the answer, but we just need someone to reaffirm it. <P>I know what Jim would say if he were here...<BR>lower my expectations. You're in agreement I see, Allison. I guess no expectations is a better goal, then we will always be surprised at what occurs. It just amazes me that a person could cut themselves off that completely from someone they have lived with for years. <P>And why is everything about relationship with OW such a secret? She knows all about my life...including intimate details about my sex life. I don't even know where he's living.<P>But I suppose it's like TNT said he really is out to lunch. He may be gone though afternoon snack and dinner too. In fact I probably need to check in the back office and see if he has flatlined and I don't know it.<P>And Tootrusting I really think you have hit on something in that possessed look in their eyes. Has any body else noticed that? <P>I thought all this was supposed to be making them deliriously happy, yet if someone was to look at him they would not believe it.<BR>He just looks so sad it makes me want to cry sometimes.<P>Well, after thinking about it a lot tonight, I decided that perhaps H is not dealing with Plan A too well. <P>In the past few months (before MB) our contacts have usually been sources of stress and guilt. <P>My Plan A is not a lovey-dovey style of plan but more a good friend type, so I believe maybe he is confused about what I feel about him. He was comfortable with the wild-eyed crazy b***h he had at the beginning. <P>This "good friend" person is not concerned with his affair or what he's doing, she is just concerned with being his caring nuturing friend and business partner and living her own life. <P>So we take the focal point off of him and he doesn't like that. He's been the center of attention for a long time...the spoils in the game. Now, he and she think the game is over and the win doesn't seem as sweet as it should.<P>Little do they know the game has just begun.<P>Once more into the fray I go. Wish me luck.<P>Buffy<BR> <BR> <BR>