Guys, <P>As you read in my previous thread. There is no way the H will discuss OM. I do agree that I need to let him know that I was in love with OM. I have dropped so many hints. He will not discuss it. <BR>So i was talking to another survivor here. We thought about dropping a card that was anonymous. And say i love u and miss you. <BR>Then he would check the mail like always. <BR>He will open it then I can say. I was in love with OM. I think he would ask me about if i missed him. <BR>Or will this be a LB?<BR>I just catn come out and say it. He will not TALK!!!<P>Give me suggestions<BR>Thanks <BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

inamess,<P>Been thinking about your post here. That always gets me in trouble. <P>First, you know you are still in withdrawal. In someways you still are in love with OM or at least the idea of OM. Further, your H not only doesn't know about your being in love, although I suspect he does have a pretty good idea, he doesn't know it was physical.<P>So the question, is how wide to you want to open the box of snakes? You see you may put yourself into a place where you lie to your H again. Is that where you want to be? What if he suspects you are lying and clams up because he doesn't really want to believe you would do this to him? You want him to help you address this issue.<P>What do you want your H to talk about, with regard to your affair and the OM? <P>Interestingly, you are acting just as your H does. You don't want to talk about it either<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just catn come out and say it. He will not TALK!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>inamess, you know I am for complete honesty in this thing. However,you need to figure out why you want your H to bring this up.<P>Your idea of sending an anonymous post card may well trigger the discussion, but are you willing to be completely honest? I mean you have a hard time talking to your H about the time he spends with his Dad, which is a major LB to you.<P>So I don't know what to offer you in the way of advice, but I think you are going to ultimately be honest. It is eating you up, and your H doesn't know the problem. Yet you expect him to fix the problem. He thinks it was an infactuation, not a full blown love affair PA and EA. He doesn't know you are in withdrawal and still love the OM.<P>Yet you want him to open up about the subject. Do you see why I am confused and don't know what to offer you for advice? I'll bet your H is confused and has withdrawn from you because of his confusion.<P>So the only advice I can offer is think carefully. Decide what you want, how honest you are willing to be, what are you will to address to get your marriage going.<P>Hope this is some little help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

inamess,<P>I just read your post to homer. It was a very good post, but in it you said something that really struck me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>You have her thinking. That is good. When H was "good" to me. He would makeme think all night when I had left him. I had left and he would never bother me. He always called my sis. I hated for sis to tell me what he said. I just thought "get over it" It is over. <P>I have to say he did make me think. I would think what if this doesnt work. what if Om doesmt leave him W. And i am atleast married to a good man. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>inamess, you don't suppose, since your H didn't know about all of the affair and still doesn't, that your behavior toward him killed his willingness to speak to you about anything emotional. When he showed love you backed away. When he told you he loved you, you backed away.<P>I am not critizing you here, but seeing if this may offer some insight to where you H is with all of this. He may be a very hurt man, doing the minimum and trying to keep from getting hurt for "apparently" no reason. <P>inamess, rejection has a major affect on people. You rejected him throughout your affair and you may be doing so now while you are in withdrawal. Sit down and think about this carefully. If you think it is true you need to start the talking. He will probably just sit there and listen. If you ask him a question, give him time to answer the question, it may take him a few minutes to formulate an answer ( it will seem like hours to you).<P>If my guess is right, you have a lot of work to do before you can expect him to really open up to you.<P>I don't want to be a downer, actually it is a bit positive. If this is true there is a reason for his approach to things and it can be changed.<P>Think about it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited June 27, 2000).]

inamess,<P>I read your reply on the other thread.<P>I think JL is on the right track. You said you have some time away with him for a change.<P>My h confessed ALL to me. I believe that's what allowed me to UNDERSTAND what was happening and realize my marriage was hanging by a thread.<P>Yes, I wanted to throw him out a couple of times, but he told me firmly he didn't want to and that if he left he would not come back. (Not necessarily recommending this).<P>Did you read Allison's thread? Sheba had a good reply on how the betrayer has the KNOWLEDGE of what is really happening.<P>Your h probably doesn't know what to do. If he is saying it is all Satan, he hasn't understood what makes people vulnerable for an affair. I never understood this until I read Harley.<P>I can't say for you, but if it were me, I would go prepared with a copy of Surviving an Affair. Three things he needs to know if he is to work on the marriage:<P>Where things really stand.<BR>That there are needs, etc. that have to be addressed to save the marriage.<BR>That there is hope, there is a way to rebuild step by step.<P>Have YOU read it? Harley recommends couples spend 15 hrs/week having fun together. We never came close, but we HAVE CHANGED OUR LIVES!<P>Don't address the Dad issue directly. Address the fact that here is a way to build an incredible in-loveness that will affair proof your marriage.<P>We drifted for years, not spending time together or communicating, and I was very lonely. I wish I had known these principles earlier.

Renee,<P>I've read your post a couple of times, but still don't have much advice. I'd really like to help you, but I'm not sure how.<P>I really don't think that anonymous letter is the best way to go about it, but I don't know what you can do to make him realize.<P>Did you read this that I posted to you in another thread? <P>"Please try to talk to your H. Give him a wake up call, not by contacting OM, but by standing right in front of him and saying, "PLEASE HELP ME! I need your support!" Don't scream it (well, I guess you can if you want ) but make him understand this is URGENT!" <P>Renee, maybe it's time to scream it! You've got to find a way to get through this so you can heal! You do need your H's help and support. Do what you have to do to get him to listen!<P>I'm still here if you have any other questions! <BR><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 27, 2000).]

I think you just have to do it. Just sit down and tell him. Cindy had some really good points about the things he needs to know:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Where things really stand.<BR>That there are needs, etc. that have to be addressed to save the marriage.<BR>That there is hope, there is a way to rebuild step by step.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe if you print out this thread and ask him to read it (with you there for discussion after he does)? It worked for me when I told my H...<BR>

JL,Schizzo, Momma, TS<P>I taked to H last night. I just told him in a very nice way.<P>I said "Something has to give here". We are not doing what we are suppose to. If we want this marriage to work. <BR>I said" I know this sedtored you" "I am deeply sorry" " I am working on forgiving myself". I fell that I have came a long way with that issue. "We never spend any tiwm together". "We have to". "I dont wan to leave" "I love you to much to do that" "If the both of us dont do something, then it isnt going to last" <BR>He said "You are your own worst nightmare" "You do it to yourself". "You should have used your head, and not put yourself in the wroong place at the wrong time" I totally agreed. Even thought it was where my sister worked. <BR>I said "It is so hard trying to get over him and then focusing on us". "I dont like the feeling of being in lovw with another man". "I want to be in love with you". He said "He didnt want me to be in lovw with another man". <BR>I told him that the dad issue was going to ahve to give a little. We need each other. If he would like for me to talk to his dad and tell him that this marriage was on the rocks and needed attention then I would. He says "NO". <BR>Then I firmly said, "You are going to have to spend time with me". That is if you want this thing to last. <BR>He thought the beach may help. <BR>I told him if I had to come out there and get him from his dad then I would do that. That if I left here again it would be for good. And I was not leaving until I knew that I tried 110%. <BR>This may open eys. Just pray it did. <P>We atarted reading SAA at night before we went to bed. I think we got to ch.8. He really had no interest. Then we got out fo the habit. He would want to go to bed early.<P>He did say "your the one that done it, not me". I said " Your right, but I want to oversome it". "If you dont think we can oversome then tell me now so I can move on". " I have to much love to give for me to try to mend something that isnt willing to mend". "It isnt fair to me or you for me to stay here if we arent going to try to fix it" <BR>He kissed me good night and snuggled to me. This morning he said"Get Up beautiful, you need to go sale sale sale" So that was a good sign. He use to say that all the time. <P>We leave for the beach saturday morning. He said he was looking so forward to it. I am TO! <BR>Thanks to all of you for your support. <P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Schizzo,<P>We drifted apart as well. That is exactly what happened here. I tried to tell him for 2 years that I was so so lonely. Then beofre I knew it. I was stuck in the affair. <BR>Thanks and prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Inamess,<P>From what you wrote, it sounds like a good start. But be careful. You keep saying he is not interested. If he actually read 8 chapters with you, that sounds pretty darn good!<P>Yes, you did "it", but it is "our" problem. You can love him as a friend, but you cannot make yourself feel in-love with him. There are things he needs to do to fill your love bank.<P>I think you know these things, but he doesn't. Keep telling him gently in different ways. (It has helped me to sometimes deal with my h like I do my 5 year old - not in the bossy sense, but patient repetition till he gets it.)<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Thanks so mcuh for your help Cindy!<P>Read the new post on temptation. You will like it. <P>It will help both (betrayer and betrayed).<P>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Renee,<P>I'm so glad you were able to talk to him. I think your vacation will help a lot. The two of you will have a lot of time together.<P>Keep telling him what you need. Like Cindy said - patient repetition.<P>

Aren't you glad you talked to him?! Sounds like you've made some progress! I hope it continues!! Keep hanging in there, my thoughts and prayers are with you!!

inamess,<P>Congratulations, you have made a tremendous step and I know it took a lot of courage. The trip will help you both and I hope this is the beginning of the healing for the both of you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL