Momma, Sifted, TS....<P>I wanted to thank you ladies for the strength you have given me to FINALLY tell H the truth....ALL of it! <P>Momma, your letter to XOM inspired me like nothing else ever has. Your example prompted me to search my heart and God gave me the strength to speak. <P>I had not planned to tell H. But after reading your post on Monday, Momma, I had no choice. It came pouring out of me. I could no longer live with the deception and lies. We went to counseling that evening...and I am truly amazed by how H is handling this. OH there is pain, to be sure, but God's hand is so tender and full of mercy, and H is finally opening up his heart to me. <P>We both have taken several days off from work to come together and begin the mending process. I'll keep you posted. <P>Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. I truly have been blessed by each one of you! <BR>Love, Wings...

Schizzo,<BR>I wanted to thank you, too... <BR>You have given me support and strength as well by sharing what you and your H have been through from a betrayed spouses POV. <BR>Thank you... <P>I pray you are doing well. I've been away from posts and need to catch up on how everyone is doing. <P>Thanks for sharing your heart in all of this..I now have a little better understanding of what my H must be going through after telling him the truth in large part because of what your writings.<P>

Wings,<P>What good news and what an encouragement! I am so happy for you and your husband! How wise of you both to take a few days off - that shows he also realizes the extent of it- maybe for the first time. <P>Keep us posted when you can and let us know more when if you can/if you want. I am still learning. I pray my time will come also soon. <P>Rejoicing with you!!!!!!!!Tears of joy in my eyes!!!!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 28, 2000).]

Wings,<P>You made me cry, I'm so happy for you.<P>And taking the time off is a wonderful idea. We had a week together, though I was very much in shock.<P>I am really glad you could learn something from my pain. Love him, and let him love you.<P>Do you have a good counsellor? I still say we wouldn't have made it without Jennifer Harley.

YAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! <P>My heart just warmed and my eyes teared reading your post! Don't you feel like that humungous weight's been lifted from you?! I was wondering what you were up to! See how we can help each other!? All of you have helped me and encouraged me so much, I'm so glad my posts encouraged you, Wings! I told you we could do this! <P>Continue to work through that pain, it will only get better. We are all getting there! I'm so happy! I'm still praying for you and wishing you all the joy in the world!!! <BR>Love ya, Gal!!!

Wings,<P>I don't have much time, but I wanted to congratulate you on this news. I am so happy for you. <BR>

Wings,<P>Im not to familiar with your situation. I have been there though. You dont know how bad I wish I could go back and tell all. Even if OM did get killed. HEHE!<P>Im proud of you gal!!! Reply on God! He is carrying you. <BR>I felt a weight lift off my chest when I told. Even though I didnt tell that it was sexual. I know you did to.<P>I wish you the best. There will still be set backs. So be prepared. But, for the mostpart you are going down the mountain now. You may pass a log on your way down. You will crawl over it.<P>Take Care<BR>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

wings,<P>I have more time now. It seems that this has been a busy week for communication around here! <P>It is so good that you took time to be together for this. When I first told my H about the EA I felt euphoric for a few days. It was such a relief to get it all out into the open. However it was just the beginning of the struggle. For me anyway, since I have some deep-seated personal issues that I need to deal with before my marriage has any hope of healing.<P>You will probably have some more down days after the initial euphoria wears off and then it's down to the hard work of meeting needs, etc. I hope it takes less time for you than it has for me. <P>Just brace yourself for the bumps along the way. They will happen. But don't get discouraged by them.<P>Good luck to you!

Hi, Wings,<P>I'm an old-timer here & have been mostly lurking, but lately have been following betrayers' stories (been there, done that ) - just wanted to tell you that you are one brave lady, and I'm so glad it's going well for you & your H. Believe me when I tell you that you are in the first chapter of a completely new marriage.<P>When I had my affair almost 16 yrs ago, I got myself (and H) to a good counselor immediately, and she was wonderful in every way - *except* she advised me not to "tell" (which was the conventional wisdom then, and unfortunately still is with a lot of counselors). <P>So... with everything still in the closet, and without any support from my H, and no accountability to him... OM and I broke off the physical affair soon, but the emotional affair continued... and eventually burst into full fire again. A number of times over a number of years. Blech. What a waste of time, huh? The emotional repercussions from all that lasted years and years. It was draining and depressing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.<P>Lean on your H. Make sure he knows how much you need him and need his strength. Let him read here to fully understand the addictive nature of affairs - you yourself will come to see that it isn't so much that you're in love with a person, as you are addicted to the affair. There's a big difference.<P>Good luck to you (and all you other struggling ladies!). You & your H are both very brave, and I'm glad you have the opportunity to have him as a resource during this time. <P>My poor H was so baffled by my behavior... and I sure could have used his help! It would have saved us both a mountain of grief. I hope the Harleys succeed in changing the way infidelity is dealt with in the counseling profession.<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

wings,<P>How are you doing this morning?<P>You are beginning a new and wonderful journey.<P>We all are. I'll be away for a few weeks, but I'll peek in whenever I get the chance.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Hi everyone....<BR>Thank you for caring! It means so much to me. Also, thank you all for your words of encouragement. It's so comforting to reach out to this forum and receive the honesty and love in your responses. Strange, but we do seem to have a unique and special bond in this journey we are each on. <P>Sifted...<BR>how are you doing this week? My confession to my H also came in large measure from some of your tender and moving writings expressing the power of the draw to OM yet all the while knowing it cannot be. My H is such a good man. Now, we are truly in the battle of our lives! When you shared that you and OM had broken contact once again for the sake of your marriages, you did the right thing. Where I made my mistake, is to believe I could still maintain a friendship. I now realize I cannot. I have to catch up on you and all the others...so much has happened this week! <BR>You're much better off, however, because your's didn't escalate into a PA. Though it only happened once with us, it changed the entire relationship forever. We vowed we would never cross that boundary, but once we did, I lost a great deal of respect and our friendship would be forever changed. So you were wise not to go there! That's what has hurt H more than anything. And that's the one detail I witheld so as not to hurt him. But when he asked Monday, I could not lie to him. It poured out of me. The real work has now begun. I couldn't imagine getting through this without his support. I thought I was strong, I would carry this secret to my death, but I was deceiving myself. It was killing me.<P>Momma...<BR>Hi! How are you doing this week? What a week it's been, hasn't it? Thank you for always being there for me. You have been such an example for me! You have shared so much, yet even the painful faltering you went through last week, you have always been honest and compassionate with your heart. Hugs to you, my friend. Your response brought tears to my eyes as well. <P>Truthseeker...<BR>thank you too, for writing to encourage me along this journey. I, too, had confessed the EA a few months ago, but I never told H about the PA, even though it only happend one time. It was too painful and devastating to admit. I vowed to never tell him, but Monday he asked me, and I could not lie to him. I read one of your recent postings where you mentioned you own struggle with the work you have ahead of you. That's where I believe our healing truly begins. I so understood what you were saying. I know we'll get through this. Be thankful that your relationship stopped at the emotional level. The physical only exacerbates the pain once it has been revealed. Thank you and I hope you and your H can begin the healing process together. <P>Suse...<BR>wow, your story is unreal. I, too, was told by many not to tell. So I only told about the emotional, because to me, that was where my heart was drawn into this whole episode. For me, the emotional pull was more addictive than the physical. I never intended to tell H about the one time occurence, but the guilt of it was eating me up from within. It was like a slow, silent death. I never realized that's what was causing me so much depression. We're both in a great deal of pain, but at least we can now move forward..and my H has been so supportive, I never imagined he would open up as he has. Thank you for your words of encouragement! I so appreciate you taking the time to write. How are you doing now? Did you ever reveal the truth to H?<P>Cindy...thanks, once again, for sharing your story with me. Your pain and your strength opened my eyes to the fact that if I couldn't be honest with H, then we would certainly not make it through this. Especially because once I told him of the one time physical, he said he finally understood more than he ever had before why I'd been acting so bizarre. So we're still hurting a great deal, but I believe we will be strenghtened because of this. <BR>How are you and your H doing? You have been so strong through this, I hope your H recognizes that. <P>Inamess:<BR>Thanks for your words of comfort, too! I'm not as familiar with your story. I need to go back and catch up on everyone! But I do thank you for responding. "We can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us." I've never believed that more than now. <P>Hugs to all of you....and now I better catch up on your lives to see how each of you are doing.<P>Bless your hearts!!!!!

Thank you so much, Wings, for your post.<P>I have begun telling my husband some things, but not everything (we have very little time, I don't see him Mon-Fri because of our work schedules and we only have ~15 minutes to talk on the phone). Really, I am not any better off than you. My affair was a PA also, mostly very affectionate (which I guess is considered PA), but also had a one time occurrence. This was AFTER the first discovery last fall. NOW I will have to tell all that too - and I'm dreading it also. I always wanted to be able to tell him it never occurred and I could last fall, but since we didn't cut off all contact, it did get to that point later. Like you, I thought I would take this to my grave. It will be devastating and I feel sick as I write this. He hasn't asked again, but I will also tell the truth, as you did, when asked. I feel sick thinking of this and how much it will hurt him - and how could I do that? For me the emotional was the much stronger part of the affair, so I was hoping, too, I could avoid the other part, but your post makes me realize I cannot. Should I bring it up myself? Or wait until he asks. We have so little time together. This will push him back to a very hurtful place again. I also vowed many times I would never cross that line, didn't think I could ever live with myself. Then it happened and you can't take it back. I remember the day and I was so numb and sick about it, but just carried it inside. <P>I wish I had RUN much sooner and never got to this place I am in. Keep us updated and pray for us. I hope an opportunity will come this week-end. We haven't started counseling yet, so I wonder if we should wait...<P>Thanks for sharing so much here. It is helping me to be brave also and go through this - not around it. <p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 30, 2000).]

{{{{{{{{Wings}}}}}}}}}<P>Hi, Wings! It's so great to hear from you! I've missed reading your posts! <P>I'm doing pretty good. H and I have been LBing a little today (that money thing ). But, nothing major. Otherwise, things have been going really well. H's back on nights, so I'm trying to adjust to that. I miss snuggling at bed time!! But, get to sleep w/him tonight and tomorrow night! I'm a goof ball, I know! <P>Just wanted to say Hi and see how you're doing! Let us know how you're doing!

Oh, Sifted...my heart aches for you today. I can feel your emotion and your pain. I was so full of guilt having not confessed everything. I am going to do my best to share with you how and why I told him all of it. <P>You and I share such a similar history with our OM. I also broke it off with him before we fell. But we just couldn't stay away for one another. I was truly obsessed with how he made me feel. And I believed, as you do, that the emotional draw was far more powerful than the physical. <P>Sifted, before I revealed this, I contacted a woman named Marnie. You might want to visit her web site. I can't remember if I shared this or not. She's a wonderful Christian therapist who runs a counseling center for woman going through withdrawals after an affair. She had three affairs herself. What a story she has. She helped me find the strength to end this destructive cycle I was trapped in. Her web site: <A HREF="http://www.healingforwomen.org/index.htm" TARGET=_blank>www.healingforwomen.org/index.htm</A> <BR>If you would like her email address let me know. She has been inspirational as far as keeping me grounded. She also told me there could be no healing until I revealed the truth...all of it. But I still held on.<P>Two months ago I found a counselor who specializes in relationship addictions, and he told me as well that I should tell H the truth. Only then I wasn't ready. <P>My advice, Sifted, is to find a good counselor who can guide you through this. Marnie, the women I just mentioned can help you. Or find someone in your area. <BR>My counselor advised me to have a counselor present when I did tell H, but that wasn't the case. I had been so depressed over the weekend, crying and completely overwhelmed with pain, my H knew something was terribly wrong. We talked all night Sunday/Monday...then Monday afternoon, he at that time knew about the intensity of the emotional aspect, but then he said I'm just glad you didn't have a physical relationship .....and I knew God allow me no peace until I told him the truth. It killed me to do so, but the one thing I take comfort in is that H told me had he found this out from someone else or from reading an old email, he never would have been able to forgive me. The very reason he forgave me is because I trusted him enough to tell him the truth. That was so unbelieveable to me. I know that we have an enormous amount of work to do. But yesterday, we rented mountain bikes and rode along the beach....had one of the greatest days I can ever remember sharing our hearts. So there is hope and recovery after the devastation. <P>I will be praying for you, Sifted. You alone will know when and how to tell him. God will lead you, as He lead me. I could never have told him on my own. I can't even explain how unprepared I was, and yet how right the timing truly was. <P>I will definitely be here for you, and the others, as you have always been there for me. <P>If you want would like to keep in touch through email, let me know. I haven't posted it, for privacy purposes, but I will get it to you somehow if I can help in any way!<P>I have to agree so much with what Mercy wrote to you. What a fitting tribute to your gift of encouragement to others. I pray you find the encouragement you need from those you have given so much to.<P>Love, Wings..<BR>

Thanks, Wings, for your reply. I read it all more carefully this evening (husband is working). I will check out that web site. I don't have a counselor lined up (hard to find good ones in our area). You are a God-send to me!! I am so thankful.<P>I am realizing how I "underestimated" this whole thing. I think my feelings have been so numb, like just going on automatic pilot. Now I am beginning to feel the real pain of it all. Before most of the pain seemed to be associated with my own loss and letting go, now I see I will be facing what I have done and the pain I have caused my husband and our relationship. I know a real wedge has come between us - the wedge of another person. <P>I don't think I was ready a few months ago, though I wish I had been - could have avoided some of the worst of it. My rebellion carries with it a great cost. We aren't condemned for our sins, but there are consequences and those we reap.<P>You are encouraging me so much by sharing your healing and the good that total honesty brings. <P>You say you rode along the beach? I live near an ocean also. I haven't posted my e-mail address either, maybe I can set something up. Right now I only have my work one and our family account.<P>Keep in touch and maybe we can both begin posting on the Recovery board soon.<P>Love to you also,<P>Sifted

Hi Sifted...<BR>I too have been numb...those are the exact words I said to H. I think the withdrawal from OM was compounded by guilt and having no one to share it with...for me it was all to overwhelming. It began to manifest itself in an inner anger and grief I could no longer contain. It oozed out of me. I could no longer concentrate on my work. I exercised my brains out hoping to suppress it and only compounded more bodily injury as my heart cried out for healing. <P>I know exactly how you must be feeling. I think as long as I didn't share this with H I felt like I had control, but I never had control to begin with. I only thought I did...and that's how we end up where we do. I had to let go and let God. The pull toward was just too strong. Now, along with H, we can both grieve this together...and move toward making our marriage the best it's ever been. For me, "Freedom's" story absolutely pulled down all the fasades. <P>Don't let fear hinder your efforts toward recovery as I did. As I look back, I remember telling myself he'll never find out, how could he? But there was always that ever present still small voice there tapping me on the shoulder and reminding me that there can be no secrets in marriage....and I'm certain I would have pulled away even further from H out of shame. <P>Yes, we do and will suffer the consequences of our sin. I hate what I have done to my H' heart. His sweet words to me is that we will take something bad and allow God to use it for good. I still can't believe his heart. <P>We're here for you, Sifted....<BR>"For you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."<P>

Hi Wings,<P>I checked out the Web site for women in need of healing. From what I could see it looked like it was for women with repeated patterns of this behavior. I don't feel I have an ongoing addiction in this area, but I did in the affair with the OM, by not wanting to break off the relationship because it gave me so much affirmation. I'm not sure where to start there. Did you e-mail Marnie with questions specific to your situation?<P>I am glad the numbness is starting to wear off. I also had a terrible anger building up inside that would come out at different times. I couldn't seem to control it. I guess it is the guilt and all the rest of the feelings that are being repressed. It didn't feel like guilt - that must have been masked by the numbness and anger. I also didn't feel I could turn to anyone with this. I felt very alone.<P>I am thankful God gave me the strength and moved me to break the relationship off - it had to be from God, I, too, couldn't do it myself - the pull was so strong. I knew the strength was coming from somewhere outside myself - only by the grace of God. Now I feel we could benefit from outside help to rebuild. I just don't know where to turn, but I will leave that in God's hands too.<P>Do you think I should e-mail Marnie? I have another contact of a woman who went through all this 4 years ago (she did the workshop at the women's retreat). I have e-mailed a few times over the last months, but not lately. <P>Maybe I will send you an email address by way of Momma's email. Just not sure what address to send (if I should create a new one). I'll see. Is that ok Momma?

I'm glad for you, Wings!<P>I know your H is hurting, but I'm sure that he will be glad that he heard the truth from you.<P>All the best to you! --HBC

Hi, all,<P>Wings, I did finally confess to my H... 6+ years after the affair started (and it had resumed by that time after a long hiatus). You can imagine the damage that my long silence caused my marriage. I remember once reading in bed, an article about shame, and just bursting into tears because I suddenly realized how burdened with shame I really was. It is *devastating*, and not facing it totally short-circuits any true and meaningful healing. <P>I came to understand the complete absurdity of trying to "build a new & better marriage" with such an enormous skeleton rattling around in my closet. First, you never stop feeling like a sham and a fraud - HOW can you have a wonderful, close, trusting relationship with this secret? - second, healing and building a new relationship is really not something that can be done single-handedly. I spent so many years sabotaging myself and my marriage. Geez. <P>This is why I am *so* firmly convinced that total honesty is the only way to go - true, you do risk losing it all, but if what you have is built on a house of cards (i.e. deception) - what have you got anyway?? I tried that way - I pulled away fron my H for years out of shame (one of you mentioned that) - I don't think true healing can ever happen unless everything is on the table, the truth is made paramount in the relationship, and *both* partners, of their own volition, work at saving the marriage. <P>Because I knew deep down inside that I held a secret so devastating, I felt like my whole marriage was a sham. I didn't feel I deserved what I had. What I had done to 'protect' the marriage ultimately came very near to destroying it (please read my profile for a fuller story - there's more!). In retrospect, I also think the reason I allowed my affair to drag on (sporadically) for so long, was at least in part because I felt so lousy about myself regarding my H and marriage. Wish I had understood all this many years before I did.<P>Anyway, I feel I need to keep banging the drum for full disclosure, and offering support for those who are struggling. Good luck to you all!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hi Sifted...<BR>I didn't think this web site was for me either until I realized how much of an addictionI had to OM. To me, that was more powerful than anything I've ever known in my life. I wrote to Marnie to help me understand how to let go of OM. She was a lifeline for me. She encouraged me to never see OM again. Your may find more comfort, Sifted, talking to your friend, but if you need her, Marnie can help. <P>My heart is so troubled by the deception and how I allowed myself to get that close to another man. I've never done anything like this before either. Marnie helped me delve into the reasons why this occured. Which gave me clarity to begin to break the chains that bound my heart. <P>Now that H knows, I truly have no desire to see OM. It's as though that set me free in some strange way. As H and I reunite our hearts, it is helping me let go of the feelings I had for OM. It's far from over, but I feel some relief. H and I are for the first time in our entire marriage opening up our hearts and crying out to one another. I've been begging him to do this all along. It saddens me that it took my betrayal to awaken that reality. But God works in mysterious ways...and I can't keep beating myself up, neither can you, Sifted. We made a terrible mistake, but God is greater than our mistakes, and He will knit your hearts together as you work toward honesty and healing. <BR>Here's my e-mail (I just created a new address just for this purpose...I hope it works) (eagleswings757@aol.com).... <BR>Please write..you know you are not alone in this, Sifted. My heart and prayers are with you, my friend! <BR> <P>Suse..<BR>Thank you so much for sharing that. I thought you never told you H all of the truth. I have felt exactly what you describd. I know that shame so well. That is why my heart does indeed feel release from my own self sabotage. True healing has begun...and we've never shared a more intense love than we have this week. <P>How are you and your H doing now? How long before you felt victory over all of this pain? <BR><p>[This message has been edited by wings (edited July 01, 2000).]