I became engaged recently (at age 55) after being divorced for 20 years. My fiancee is also 55 and just divorced recently. We met last Nov. Before Xmas we declared our love for each other. Xmas/N.Years time he said his sons were visiting for 2 wks. We had no contact. Later, In Jan. again he said one son and ex-wife *surprised* him and we had no contact for a weekend. I accepted both stories at the time with no question. I had no actual committment, neither did he, but the relationship had passed to a one of intimacy and planning for the future. In Feb. he attended my daughter's wedding, met the family, friends, etc. He told me he wanted to be with me *forever* and planned to ask me to marry him. During all these previous months I visited several times. It had grown to be a very strong relationship. He had met my friends, etc. All approved and saw the love that was between us. In Feb. I visited again, Valentine's Day. He never, ever gave me a reason to doubt or be suspicious, or question. He appeared to be a man of honor, decency and unquestionable love for me. In April he asked me to marry him. However, I had discovered that he had been *chatting* with several other women on a program called ICQ. I found their names there, the saved *chats* etc. and was astounded to see that they were several that were current. My dismay in discovering this is what prompted his proposal as I confronted him and he *didn't want to loose me* and explained that they were all in the past. that he had not been truly sure of me. However, it became obvious that one of the relationships was very serious, and I discovered other information proving that one visited him at Xmas (when he said his sons were here) and the other time when he said one son and ex-wife visited. He had told me much more...and expounded on their (pretend) visits...about conversations, events, etc. which took place. When I realized that it was another woman who visited I came apart, but calmly had a discussion. My ache was not that the woman had visited (after all, we were both single, he had a right)...but that he lied and embellished the lie with further made up stories. I also found out that as recently as Feb. 14 (Valentine's Day) he still was telling the other woman that *he loved her, wanted to be together, etc.* She lives out west, I live in the east...he is in the southeast. I also discovered that he has continued to chat with, or explore sex chat sites since my initial discovery...although the activity is well hidden in his computer...but I have found it when visiting here. I have guilt about *snooping* but this is the man I plan to marry, and I feel there is something amiss. When I talk with him he is genuinly sincere in saying that he wants to marry me and continue the relationship. I am trying to differentiate between his need to excite himself with this chatting behavior (is it any different than when men only had Playboy to read and kept it under the bed?)...or is this a symptom of a larger problem? Also, since I feel betrayed, and have lost my trust, I am struggling to overcome that. I also feel guilty for my own snooping. I love this man deeply and am trying to view this in a rational manner, since we are not married...what claim to I have on his affection and time? What right do I have for feeling that when we are not together, and during the past months, he did not have a right to chat with, or even see other women? I guess my biggest concern is the lying and deceit of it. Lies of ommission and then embellishment that were passed so easily...I am amazed at how it appears that he had no effort in telling them. I am here, today, at his house. One week after the discoveries. Again, today, after much of what I had discovered before I removed from his computer, I just found a new sex chat site he visited this past weekend. Do I mention this again...it will certainly jeopardize the relationship. I had told him I wanted to get past all I discovered before, and was feeling that we could overcome. But I am in such pain inside. I try to forget, but there are many nagging questions that are unanswered. Do I approach him again...asking for more information so I can make the decision. He appears to be trying very hard to make up for the past with presents and attentions. He even gave me his car (2 months ago) and I felt that was a great gesture of committment. Now, our plans are for me to move here in Aug. I have requested and been given a job transfer...and I am driving his car. I feel that our future should be bright, but I am haunted by the past deceits and wonder if they are his *M.O.* and that he will always be needing the stimulation of these chats, and, possibly, meeting other women. We seem to have moved very quickly into a love relationship, yet being mature and having experienced much, I felt very comfortable at the pace. there is much good in this man and I am deeply in love for him. However, I feel I have lost respect for him, and that he did not respect me enough to trust me with the truth so I could make an intelligent decision about my future. He had told me several times that there was *something in his past that he would tell me before we married* The confrontation I brought to him brought it out...mostly it was what I described above. He said he had felt so *guilty* about lying all the past months.He wanted to tell me but just could not bring himself to do so ... until I discovered it myself. It was a difficult evening as I sat face to face, questioning and trying to understand. Trying to see a way to forgive, and settle in my mind what was the normal behavior for someone who was single, yet had declared his love for me. Is there hope for this relationship? Do I get out now because there are signs that are too strong to ignore? Do I confront him again with what I discovered today (which, also, has caused him to mistrust me for my snooping)? I have so many conflicting feelings. In my heart of hearts I want to be with this man. In my head I feel afraid for our future unless it can be totally resolved. Please help.

Irish Eyes:<P>I don't know if I am the best or the worst person to talk to you about this, but you might want to check out my most recent thread. ( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003697.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003697.html</A> ) My H, like your fiance, has trouble with lies and with ICQ. <P>From where I sit, I would advise you to take a big step back and re-examine your relationship with this man before changing your life to be with him.<P>I don't know if he will always be this way, but keep in mind he is probably on his best behavior right now (have you read other information on this site about people falling in love?) and if he's lying to you when he's trying to "win" you, what is likely to happen when he's "won" you?<P>I would not break off all contact, but I would definitely slow things down.<P>I hope the best for you. --HBC

I think after what you are describing here, I would think long and hard about being engaged to this man. Do you know why he got divorced? If I wasn't 100% sure of this man I would hold off on marriage.

Irish eys,<P>Welcome! You came to the right place to get advice. <BR>Im a betrayer myself. I would stringly strongly suggest thinking long and hard.<BR>If this is happening now. What is it going to be like inthe future. If he is faithful now. How can he be in the future? <BR>This is when most of your most important emotional needs are being met. He ahould be completly satisfied and HAPPY! <P>I would seriously think LLLLLOOOOONNNNGGGGG!<BR>Is this man worth spending the rest of your life with?<P>This is from a betrayers point of veiw. <BR>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Thanks to all 3 of you who have replied so far. I am so conflicted, wondering if I just forgive (forgetting is beyond possibilities just now) and go on as before. I try to act that way, hoping that I will convince myself that all is well and that, as a result, it will be. (Like all those self-help books we read on positive thinking!) I am glad to learn that others see what I am seeing, however, and that my concerns are not unfounded. All comments were/are very helpful and make me feel that I am not foolish. thanks again.

Do not ignore the RED FLAGS.<P>Catnip =^^=

IrishEyes,<P>You ARE NOT foolish!<BR>My H has had problems with the internet and I truly believe that this is an addicition as powerful as drugs and alcohol.<BR>I know that you are emotionally invested in this man, but please DO NOT proceed with marriage unless he is willing to get help.<BR>Im praying for you!<BR>

IrishEyes:<P>How is it going? Have you made any decisions? --HBC