After listening to what my H said to me and see what he's doing I came to realize that I don't want him even if he comes back now(OK, that's how I feel right now and it may change ). <BR>He told me there was a beautiful woman approaching him at a festival he played. He turned her down telling her he was married. Next year he saw the woman again and thought: "how could I say no??"<BR>He told me he felt bad how much I'm hurt but he doesn't think he feels bad what he does.<BR>2 days ago I saw SIL and she was mad because she lives far and he sees her only once a year and he was supposed to be here but at the end he decided to be with OW.<BR>Before, he told me he loved me and he liked OW, but recently he told me that he started to tell her he loves her. When I made a comment about it he said,"it's easy to say"... OK, so it's easy to say that TO ME too!<BR>When I wrote OW an e-mail when I thought they were just having EA(but they already had PA) telling her she should be happy because we are divorcing, and I let H know about it and he got mad because I "got her involved about OUR thing"(hello, who's the one got her involved in the first place???)<P>I think I'm learning... alot, even my H said so, but when I look at him he's not doing anything!! He does whatever he wants to and at the end he wants to pick one of us(AND he said he has more than two choises!).. it's like he's picking a toy or something... <BR>He's not doing anything!<BR>You know what?? he doesn't deserve ME! I love him but either he's in a fog or not he doesn't see beauty in me and even if he sees that's not enough to be with me.. Well, I deserve better than that.<P>My SIL said, "when you say no to women, the reason shouldn't be "because I'm married", it should be "because I don't want to, I love my wife". His mentality is totally off and I wonder if he ever sees what he's doing.<P>Maybe because of med I'm not that sad, I still love him but if he will be the same man then maybe I don't want him.<P>MF

Hi MF,<P>Well hon, he's not going to do anything until he's good and miserable.<P>He sounds pretty arrogant, thinking he has choices of all of these women, and I don't blame you for being mad right now. They are totally self-absorbed at this point, and you need to realize you can't do a thing with him right now.<P>Now, I know you know about all the Plan A stuff, but I had to read it quite a few times, and read a thousand posts here to get it...and I still blow it sometimes. One thing about it I "get" is that it is not about HIM!!! Have you read SAA? I really didn't get Plan A until I read that. Yeah, I'm slow, I know.<P>What your sister in law said about love was exactly right on. Wish we all lived in a perfect world and that was they way things went. Yep, his mentality is totally off, so it's up to you to hold him up until he becomes sane. But truly, hold yourself up first. <P>I know it was a human thing to do, but I would not put myself through e-mailing OW again. You do not need to give her any power, and your words in her hands are a payoff for her. She does not need to think she has won. She may win a small battle now and then, but you will win the war.<P>Take a break. Do something fun for yourself. Get back on Plan A.<P>allison

Hi Allison,<BR>Thanks. Did I sound mad? I'm not.. More like annoyed.<BR>I now feel I'm lowering myself by accepting what my H does. He's with OW now but he hasn't given me a final answer(it's like a trial time for him right now), so I'm waiting for the answer but not him. If he decides to be with her and divorce me I don't lose him, he loses me. Before I used to think, how he could do stuff like this to a person he claimes he loves?? but I know he's sick so everytime when I remember what he's done/said, I just think "oh well, he's sick"<BR>I will keep doing (kinda) Plan A, but I don't think I will do much anymore.. I really want to focus on myself and I don't want to waiting for a phonecall at home doing nothing.. My SIL said he should know the feeling of losing me.. maybe.. So before I told him I will wait, but I won't. Doesn't mean I will go out and get another man, just mentally I'm not waiting for him.<BR>It's obviously my H wasn't the kind of man I thought he was.. and if this is the real him then I will be happy he's with someone else.<BR>(again my feelings may change )<BR>MF<BR>

MF - I think you're "accidentally getting it"!!! A REAL Plan A IS on focusing on yourself and not just on your part in the state your marriage was in, but becoming all that you can be. It also has absolutely NOTHING to do with just sitting and waiting for a phone call at home doing nothing!<P>Sorry you're so sad...I know it hurts. And the distancing is normal. <P>Lots of hugs for a bad day.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<P>

MF:<P>I can really understand what you're feeling because I've been there. H thinks he's got it all, multiple women vieing for his favor while he casually decides who is to be the favored one. And if one doesn't want to play anymore he thinks there are others in the wings ready for the game. What arrogance.<P>But you know he's right, there are always needy women willing to take up with anyone who'll give them what they need....for a while...and then move on. <P>How sad H can't realize this will get tiresome after while...but maybe too late to restore his relationship with S who's stood by him during it all. <P>Maybe it's the fog, maybe it's MLC, maybe he's just a sick arrogant bas***D. Who would blame you if you just weren't around to pick up the pieces. <P>All that ranting aside, you love the creep...Lord knows why...and deep down inside you know he'll eventually wake up...and if you can just hang on until he does then maybe...just maybe...you can try to make a go of it again.<P>So Plan A's your way of coping, working on yourself while he's off in loo--oo--ney land.<BR>And if you decide at some point you don't want to continue then your effort has at least made you a better person (if you didn't already start out as a great person...as the rest of us did).<P>While I tell you this I am reminding myself of the same thing for motivation to continue to plod through this mess...up to my knees in s**t specially delivered by my H.<P>Cheer up, it could be worse. Yeah, you know how that little ditty ends don't you. Come on, we'll hang in there together.<P>Buffy<P><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 28, 2000).]

lostva,<BR>Many people here and some friends told me to focus on myself but it was sooo hard for me, because even if I tried to at the end all of the memories come back to me and thinking about his actions. Yes, I finally got it, I think And, because of medication I don't feel sad and I feel much better after 6 months of being depressed.<P>buffy,<BR>I still love him alot but I really don't think I can be with him if he doesn't change.. You know what? Yesterday he called me out of blue and wanted to come over. He just came back from OW(I didn't ask and he didn't tell me but I know), and he's leaving for a tour today, and I'm not following his schedule anymore so he didn't have to call me, but he did and he came over. I didn't tell him anything about how I feel right now, just being very nice and I didn't even ask about OW(this is very rare for me!). Usually when he asked me how I was I used to say I was always not very good, but yesterday I said I was fine!<BR>He said he used to be stressed being around me but now he's stressed all the time and told me it wasn't me, so I said I knew it.. It's good he's finding out about the truth little by little.<P>I realize he has too much anger from his past and if he doesn't deal with it even if he wants to be with me(well I don't know) I don't think I can handle anymore. I'm growing up and I don't think I can accept the same H.. The funny thing is he said after we seeing therapists maybe we don't want to be with each other anymore and now I'm working on myself and he hasn't yet so the stuff he said may become true.<BR>I feel much better, I wish I could come to this point without med.<P>Thanks both of you <BR>MF<P>