Okay, so RMA's thread about her conversation with Steve Harley has me thinking about my hybrid plan B. The primary reason I did the hybrid was because with a 3yr old we share jointly, I thought it would be pretty hard to not talk at least about child and plans and growing up issues. Notice, I did not forbid her to talk to me, just that I would pull away. Am I doing the right thing, if my ultimate goal is to get a chance at recovery or at least marital counseling? Here is a copy let me have it (all the good and the bad): <P>"I am very sorry for my part in creating the intimacy environment that helped make your affair with OM possible. My selfish desires and wrong priorities kept me from focusing on meeting your needs. I know now, I should have been there for you and helped you to not bury that part of yourself. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet our needs. <P>I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. We can build a new lifestyle in which what we do makes us both happy. I want us to meet each other's emotional needs and avoid hurting each other. I want to be your best friend, to share our days together, to be there when you need me, and I want you as my best friend. But, I cannot do that with OM in the picture.<BR> <BR>I've been through some tough moments since you decided to leave. My love for you is strong, and based on the commitment we made to each other, I was very surprised to see our relationship fall apart without an attempt to resolve it. I recently did some intense soul searching, and I realized that our decision to marry was mutual, based on love. You and I had some wonderful times together. But, now you seem to want out of the marriage, and I have to let you go. I know I can't force you to stay, anymore than I would have forced you to marry me. I need to let you go, to put some distance between us. This recent experience has been painful, but I have learned so much. I have refocused my priorities, and I am also seeking to reconnect spiritually. <P>When you asked for a separation, I really wanted to believe you wanted it to sort out your feelings. You must know the pain I am going through because of your relationship with Mike. I still love you, but I cannot support you under these conditions. I will continue to pay the $500 payment to cover child expenses and the van. Otherwise, I will not help you with any additional funds. There may be times when I ask **** to communicate with you on my behalf. <P>I loved you when we married and I love you now. I will always treasure in my heart the memories we have. When you are willing to permanently separate from Mike, I will be willing to discuss our marriage and our issue(s). I will not help you as long as you are with Mike. I feel God has given me the strength through all this, and I trust He will guide our futures."<P>Well, friends, let me know ... I am just going back to limbo (again).

Izzy -- Pretty nice and to the point. I like it. It does a good job of getting your message across without any acrimony. I am very touched. I could just copy that and it could have easily come from my heart.<P>A really tough decision, my friend. But sometimes, the toughest things are the most needed....

Sorry, got a double post after a "Severe server error"...<p>[This message has been edited by Heartpain (edited December 06, 1999).]

izzy,<P>May I borrow that if it becomes necessary.<BR>Very well written right to the point.<P>Good luck, let us know how she responds.<P>Remember God is in control. Another friend told me he asked God to forgive him for trying to do His(God) job for him.<P>I'll be praying for you,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

izzy,<P>Yes, this is a great letter and if OK with you, I would like to model my letter off this one. Is that OK?<P>Gosh, I have been in a PlanAPlanB mode for almost 2 months. I do not seek any contact with my H. It has not been a true PlanB because my H has his field office in our home. Whenever he is in Georgia (or should I say whenever he is NOT in FL) he comes here everyday. He usually comes after I leave for work and leaves before I come home. However, we usually see each other once or more every week or 2. He shows up early or is here late or I am off or he pops over on the weekend. <P>AT first, I was being very friendly to him - fixing meals, sharing coffee, chit-chat. But, then he seemed HAPPY about things - getting needs met by both me and the OW again. Getting sex, affection, attention and conversation from her and sense of family and financial security with me. Maybe that was fine and dandy for him, but not meeting my needs!<P>So, my counselor has been trying to get me to understand that I need to totally disengage from my H. Like the true PlanB, it might be my only hope for having him miss me. The OW would be forced to meet all his needs and H would have to face some negative consequences of his actions. I am doing this because my H has shown NO inclination to stop this affair and NO desire to want to work on the marriage. In essence, my marriage is already dead in spirit. This is really a last chance to see if H really has any feeling for me or not.<P>Steve said I need to do a STRICT planb. I hate doing it - it is hard enough already with PlanAPlanB. But, truly, I do better when I don't see him. When I see my H, my love and lust for him come welling right up - revives the pain - it is almost totally UNBEARABLE. On the other hand, when I haven't seen him for a while, I get crazy for missing him. No wins here <P>izzy, I don't know what is best in your situation. In mine, H is forging full steam ahead in the affair. This is best for me. I was losing love for my H by doing PlanA and his ongoing affair. But, more than anything, I did it(switched to PlanAPlanB) for ME. I do NOT condone this affair and I will NOT tolerate it. I respect myself too much to allow H to do it while living with me. On the other hand, my H is crazy mixed up and we had a really good marriage before all the crises, so I hang on....<P>I have thought this: If I respect myself so much, why don't I get a divorce? Well, I do not want one and I am not ready for one. Although I have not ruled this out - it isn't going to solve any problems just yet. I still love my H and am still devastated by this affair. If I get a D does all that pain go away? NO<P>Don't know if this helps or not. Please let me know if I can use the letter.....<P>Roll Me Away <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey Izzy,<P>Letter is great! It depends on if you can really follow through with the no contact thing. I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried. All I had to see was her number on the caller ID. It was all over. GRAPE JELLY!<P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

medic, well I am not contacting her unless she has called me. I did not tell her not to call me. Kinda like making it her choice to seek me out. Like I said, I did call her once this weekend cuz child was sick and I was checking up on her. Dr. Chalmers of the Harley group did say the child may be my best chance to get wife to reconsider our family.<P>RMA and others, feel free to plagarize (sp?) all you want. I pretty much did from like 3 sources. Thanks for your heartfelt support. BTW, just talked to MIL, (she spent 2 nites with her daughter last week at the apt). The whole inlaw family is really trying to get W to "wake up" and give her marriage a fair chance. My W just moved out, no counseling allowed. I guess I have that going for me, the inlaws love me and have great admiration and respect for me. Now if thru osmosis they could pass some of that on to daughter.... only if...and yes I still think it's still not time to totally give up, it may just be a flicker but I can cling to it for now.

Very good letter, now comes the hard part living up to it. Do not expect a good response, or a miracle turnaround; you won't get it. Often our SO's see it as a blackmail or ultimatium and that makes them pretty angry. But if you stick to it and mean what you say and not waver, then that initial reaction begins to fade and they start seeing the ral meaning behind the letter but you have to give it that time.<P>Genie

genie29, <BR>you said you were here before. What exactly is your situation. Did your plan's work and how long did they last? I am still trying to figure out this hyrbid plan B. Wife called today to talk about child issues (swimming class, changing days, etc..) Not sure, if any of these conversations actually help "us" or not. I kinda feel like she is wanting us to continue these conversations to co-parent by phone and make it more of a permanent thing. I know I'm meeting a need, and maybe I should not be meeting that. K, if you are out there, in your plan B, did you talk about kids with your W, did it help?