My H (WS) was late last night, I had a panic attack, I had friends looked for him and he came home, said just drinking alone at a bar. (2 hours +)<P>I emailed to my friends to help me snoop around him, and my H saw the reply from them this afternoon. BIG LB. I said "I'm sorry, I got panic last night." He said "Don't be sorry you have all the right to do."<P>I'm screwed up anyway so I started to ask him Qs about last night and if he still has contacts w/OW or not. After many Qs, finally I got the answer that she called him TODAY. She updates with her divorce info every 2 wk (so he says). He mostly listened (so he says) and at the end said "talk to you later." I asked "what do you want to do" then he said "I don't know." =He wants her to keep calling him. He claims he never called her since D-day (2 mo. ago).<P>We're supposed to work on EN and LB, and we're trying to get to the process of MB agreement. We just had a joint session w/Dr. H on Mon. I thought we're doing good, now we are back to square one, no, zero, or minus? He said he'd agree w/MB but apparently he's not going to follow. What good does it do then?<P>Since last Fri he confessed me that he loves the OW, he shows no interest in having sex with me. He turned me down 2 days ago, now I don't even want to try. <P>Before the Fri, I was doing such a good job on planA, I told him I'm ready to forgive him. Now it's a different story, need new forgiveness for a new truth.<P>I'm calm. Because I'm so p***ed off. Almost tempted to kick him out. What should I do? He said "let's talk tonight" but he's in bed sleeping. Guess he wants to avoid discussion. I know he's in withdrawal, that means he still wants to work it out at some level? I was afraid to discuss because I thought it's gonna be a disaster. I'm rather relieved that he didn't want to talk about it.<P>The OW called his work, got his mobile #, and called him. Can I ask him if he's willing to give up his mobile phone?<P>I hate living like this.<BR>Appreciate any thoughts...

alien,<BR>I think you have a right to ask him to either give up his mobil phone, or agree to change the number, give you complete access to voice mail, detailed billing and all numbers stored, called and received. <P>It's not easy to be where you are right now... I know. But, remember that withdrawal is no fun either. The hardest thing you will ever do is to maintain plan A on a consistant basis, day in and day out untill this passes. When you want to scream, tell him you love him, bake him his favorite treat, or just smile. Then, come here and rant and rave and vent and type out your frustrations.<P>Best Wishes & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly

Alien, been there, done that. I, too, have heard that H wants to be with the OW. He loves her. He doesn't want sex with me. Been turned down, too. I didn't give up, and I think that some of my perserverance may be starting to pay off. You can have sex when you are hurting. My friends ask me, how can you have intimate relations with him when he talks about leaving you. I replied, it's not as difficult as it sounds. I hate to say this , but for awhile it was just sex. A perservering, I am going to meet his needs. I think that may be changing, last night, I felt more like some of the intimacy was coming back into sex. Of course, I got a little bit of of an initiation from him, which I was sure to encourage.<P>Hang in there. You can perservere. Don't give up. There will be rewards at the end. I am keeping you in my prayers. Try very hard not to LB. Good luck.

Alien,<BR>I agree - don't give up as hard as it is!<BR>He is still there with you!!! Get on here and rant and rave - it helps so much.<BR>L - I envy that you are having sex - ha! Almost 5 months for me - who's counting??? ha!<BR>But, I am going to not mention the S word for awhile and see what happens...but, Alien, keep on trying...I know it hurts, but hopefully one of these days we will be able to get through to our H's!!<BR>I will miss ya! Hang in, and talk in a week or so...<BR>A

OK, A,<BR>Now I am having a PANIC attack!! chest is tight, heart is racing - it's awful - stomach in knots!!<BR>H just called from his cell phone - answering his voice mail I left at work re something about our trip. He said he was out looking at golf clubs - ok, sounds reasonable. Then, I did a stupid thing and called OW's place of work - she is out to lunch. So, I then call H's cell phone again - doesn't answer - calls 5-10 min. later - said he left it in the car. Then, gets real short with me, says he has to go - has to get back to a meeting and doesn't want to talk in traffic - very curt!!! So, I am imagining things???? I am very close to calling her this pm to ask if she is still in contact with him!!! Help - should I? it would probably ruin our trip....<BR>Panic!!! Don't you hate this - I would rather know than let my mind run wild...<BR>A<BR>

Annc, I wouldn't do anything that might make the trip more difficult--if I'm not to late. Ignorance may be bliss in this case. You are going to have to face everything when you come home anyway. IF he is still seeing OW, think about the fact that you have a week with him all to yourself to do some serious Plan Aing. You won't be able to do that if you are panicky about him and OW. Good luck. Hang in there. I really do hope that the intimacy thing works out for you. It's really nice to be getting that back.

Annc,<BR>Sorry I'm late, maybe you've gone to your vacation already? I was dealing with my own panic today. Like Lapeine said, I wouldn't do anything about it, make a smile, and enjoy your vacation! It's a huge chance to have a good time with him!<P>This morning my H started talking about moving out, or travelling by himself. Since last Fri, things are going down hill fast. My H wouldn't spend time with me, wouldn't have sex with me (I'm one of you now), wouldn't go over EN anymore, wouldn't go see my counselor anymore.<P>What did I do? What happened? I don't know! I was planAing good. This email LB was big but not that big, I don't think. After I saw my counselor today, I said to him "All troubles coming from lack of trust. I want to trust you and make things better. But do you want me to trust you?" That was the bottom line question my counselor suggested, if he's doesn't want me to trust him, we can't work together. See what he says and what he does. What was his answer? "I don't know how to answer it yet. I'm so mad at something, I can't talk to you. I'm going to my log cabin site." Then he left, staying over night.<P>I wasn't upset, nor crying, nor angry. Just didn't know why he's mad. What is so wrong with him? What could I possibly have done to get him that mad? Or he's mad at himself? Or he's mad because he can't have kids all by himself? Is he that cruel to ask me that much, married me and brought me to this country and betrayed me, said he didn't love me truely, then now he thinks he should have kids more than visitation and make himself a happy family with MY kids and the OW? Of course he knows that he can't ask such a thing and is that why?<P>I'm totally lost. I'm just let him do whatever and let him figure out. I got a feeling that he's giving up on me. I don't know. I keep praying. For you too.

This is such a tuff situation. Sometimes I think that maybe my personal situation would have been easier if I had the opportunities to fix things like in your case, but now I see that maybe that would have just made things more difficult. The constant stringing along and not knowing if it's really headed in the right direction.<BR>Anyway, I can share my in-laws story with you briefly. My Fatherinlaw ran around on wife all the time, beat her, he was an alcoholic, etc. He would leave her constantly and tell her he didn't love her anymore, this all among her pregnancies and everything. Something finally changed and they agreed that the only way to get away from the trouble was to move to another state and start over. That was the only way she would know he wasn't in contact with his affairs.<BR>They moved to FL and things were still rocky for quite some time, but they eventually worked it through and have the greatest marriage today - 13 years later. <BR>I try to give myself faith with their story, but it doesn't really work. But I can say that couples have come through much worse obstacles then what you and I are probably facing today.<BR>I don't know that I would ask him to give up his mobile phone if I were you. Not just yet. If he makes the total commitment with you to work things out, then it would be OK to approach him about it, but very tentively.<BR>If you were to ask him now, he would see it as a threat and a definite LB. You have to somehow convince him that it is his decision to get rid of it. That will be the difficult thing to do. But if you don't leave it up to him, he'll always resent you for it even if he tells you otherwise. It doesn't sound like he's ready to give up this OW, so by getting rid of the phone, he'll be more impulsive and reckless about contacting her. That's just my personal opinion.<BR>If you ever want to email me personally to vent. Feel free. Silvress@aol.com<BR>Have faith and know you are important and have a purpose in life - even if it doesn't include him.<BR> <BR>Silvress

Silvress,<BR>Thank you so much for your offer about personal email address, but sometimes my H goes in my email (don't I know that now!) so I'd better vent here.<P>About phone, I still don't know what to do, sometimes I think "it's up to him" and sometimes "only those calls turn things backwards". Still waiting to see what he has to say about "want me to trust or not" "moving out, travelling to sort out or not".<P>He's still at his parents tonight, although he sounded like he's coming home, nothing is sure. I'm afraid that he'll drop by at the OW since her house is on the way home, and he's pretty drunk tonight which always makes him stupider. But if he goes, he goes. Nothing I can do.<P>I'm just hoping that he makes up his mind. I might post another one tonight since I want WSs insight.<P>Thanks a lot for your support, in-laws story was great. Keep the faith, let's get through this together.

Alien-<P>Had a bad day today and tomorrow's going to be even worse. H called to tell me he's moving into a place that is 45 minutes away.<BR>That was blow # 1. Blow # 2 is that he'll be here tomorrow, Sunday, to move his things out. Of course it will be so convenient for him and the slut because they'll be closer to their jobs and their new life. But now he'll be further away from our daughter so I know she's going to be forgotten by him. He can't even make time to come see her now while he's staying with the slut at her friend's house. At least up until now he hasn't had any real expenses of his own. Now he's going to be living somewhere that is really expensive and tries to claim that he has no idea how much the whore makes. Yeah right.<BR>My daughter is going to be the one who suffers because he won't follow through with the child support. I was trying to hold off on the divorce in hopes that he'd change his mind, now I wish I would have proceeded earlier before he moved into this expensive place. Stupid me, stupid me. I'm trying so hard to not go the lawyer route because my H is supposedly agreeing to the visitation terms I have set forth. He's entitled to more by law then what I'm willing to give him. He's not allowed to bring our daughter around this whore till January. These are standards I hold for myself as well. I will not bring any man around her till I've been dating him for 6 months - then I know it's going somewhere. I can't just bring man after man into her life. So why should my H be allowed to? The 6 month mark for him would be right around Xmas time. I told him there was no way I was going to let our daughter be in a strange environment with a woman she didn't know to celebrate the holidays, so that meant it wouldn't happen till Jan. He's not really happy about it, but he did agree. Of course, for all I know, he could go behind my back and do it anyway. But he's not allowed to have overnight visitation until she's 5 - that's 2 years away. He only gets to pick her up every other Sunday for the day and bring her back that evening in addition to coming and visiting her - without taking her - as often as he likes in between. Again, he's agreed.<BR>Maybe he won't even want to bother being that he's going to be 45 minutes away anyway.<BR>And right now he has no vehicle so it'll probably just be too much effort for him.<BR>In a way I hope he doesn't. We would both be much better off without him and I hate the idea of my daughter being around a woman that I know nothing about - except that she's a whore and a homewrecker. Those are not very good qualities to make it easy for me to like her.<BR>Oh well, I'm rambling.....just wanted to share my frustration with someone.<BR>Hope all is well,keep the prayers going.<BR>Silvress