I need help on this one. I am sitting here thinking that I am making no progress in this Plan A and plan B. <P>I do my very best to stay away from h because when I am near him he will find something I do that makes him angry. I can be sitting on the opposite side of the ballfield and he will say that I gave him a look or something. Or he will accuse me of talking about him to other people at the game. The truth is, I never look at him and if anyone says anything at the games, its other people telling me that he is such a jerk with a terrible attitude. Many of the towns people have told me that To get away from him because he has changed so much. <P>Now, I think the thing that gets to me the most is not knowing what changed him or what needs were not met by me for him. While we were going thru counseling,he would always say that its nothing i did or didn;t do. The only problem in the marriage was that he fell in love with someone else. He told the counselor, our priest and his attorney this. I have search my heart and soul for the past 6 months trying to figure out what he was missing and the only things I can come up with are:<P>1) sex- He had a much higher drive than I did.<BR>2) not feeling needed-I did everything from a-z. <P>Now, enter OW who is a nympo and extremely needy. She was sexually abused when she was a teenager. Apparently that results in her behavior today. <P>I just can't think of anything else that was wrong. <P>My h had changed sexually since becomming in volved with her. He is into Porn,masturbation and internet web sites. <P>He was never like that before. He even admitted that perhaps he might be a borderline addict. <P>He is so lost and I just can't reach him at this point. <P>My problem is that everyday that passes, I am getting stronger and stronger and I just dont miss him as much anymore. I am doing things for myself. <P>I find myself enjoying other mens company in a group setting. It feels good to laugh and just hang other with others again. I feel as though I need to move on with my life at this time. <P>I can not Plan A him and I am doing my best at plan B. But, I can't possibly meet his missing needs when he is not around and when I am not certain what they are anyway.<P>H right now hates me. I think its because I have done nothing wrong and he can't live with the fact that this is the case so he will do anything to make his decision to leave me valid. i also think he realizes that his reputation is shot and for some reason he is angry that people still like me. I mean everyone talks to me and stays far away from him. They all know what this OW is like too. Its no secret.<P>I do love him and I don't think I would be able to find another man that would make me as happy as he has for the last 20 years.<P>I mean I was blissfully happy and I know he was too until he met OW. I am convinced that if there were any real problems i would have sensed them but for me to ba as happy as I was for that long, it was love. <P>Everyone says we were the ideal couple. Very loving and always together. We even represent our local parish at bi monthly meetings. <P>Any thoughts on how I should be acting right now toward h? He is to the point where he is withholding extra $ from me and last week he came into our house and went into my jewelry box and took a gift certificate that was given to us for Christmas. HE left half of the value of the certificate on the kitchen table for me. How tacky is that????? I know he is not hurting for $ and you would think after all he has done to me that he would at least ask if I was planning on using it. He has no bills. He lives rent free with OW and her 3 kids. <P>I am just waiting for this to all blow over but i think when it does, my feeling towards him have changed to much. <P>Anyone out here tonight have any advice for me to still hang in there??? <P>Besides Lostva-I think her story in one in a million.<P>Thanks guys-I'm just frustrated.<P>

Hi Missy,<P>Can't remember who it was (a guy..that much I know) just posted that he learned how to fill his wifes missing needs by watching how OM treated her. Brilliant!<P>Just what is OW giving H that you did not? I know it sucks to think about it, but there must be something there. Did you two have fun together? Did you feel like you admired him? The sex thing, there must be a compromise there. If OW is into porn and stuff, then your husband probably thinks that's all very exciting, but we all know, sex w/o love just doesn't mean a whole lot. I know that sex was not sufficient enough in my marriage, and Lord, I didn't know what I was missing until he left. Hate to sound nutty, but I never realized that it was a need of mine too.<P>I know I had to really look at what I did to contribute to what made our marriage not work. Lostva helped me with that in her posts. I thought I had a pretty great marriage too, but when I really looked at it I was kind of a B**** a lot of the time. Didn't really bother to meet his needs.<P>Missy, it's good you're getting so strong. Your H is mad about something. It's probably not much fun feeling like the town leper. Do you sit on the other side of the baseball field laughing it up with others? How about asking H to join your converstaion at the next game. Include him in the fun. He may really resent that you have your old life with his family and all of your freinds and he is now on the outskirts. Yeah, I know, he put himself there, but try to invite him back in a bit.<P>Just a few ideas. I don't mean to sit here and give advice when my own situation is very very shaky, but we are all in the same boat I guess.<P>allison<BR>

AW!!! Gone for a while just to come back and discover that you don't want me anymore!!! Just kidding, you know! Well, I'm here anyway! <P>Seriously, I thought I was a perfect wife. I did my best, did EVERYTHING....I was wrong. I missed a few very important things.<P>Az is right - keep looking and doing what's best for YOU at the same time. You need to be stronger. But I'll warn you, opening yourself up totally TO yourself is not easy! I really feel like it's harder to be honest with ourselves than anyone on this earth.<P>Hang in there, Sweetie - whatever direction you head in! <P>One in a million - I LOVE that! Look more carefully, follows the "guidelines" like it was scripted!! <P>I'm still pulling for you Missy - always. No matter what! <P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

It sounds kind of warped, but my husband also tells me (usually out of frustration when I'm doing something "wrong") what the OW does for him that I haven't ever done. It's been a real eye opener to finally figure out the things that I was not doing to make him feel needed and wanted as a husband!<P>Hopefully I'll figure everything out before it's too late!

Hi Missy,<P>Sometimes our spouses don't even know what the need is that they are missing...<P>Hence the confusion...... I do think all of the responses above are accurate.....Look closely at yourself....as hard as it is, try not to focus on H...esp.the sex thing... He is just trying to fill some need right now...sex ,even excess, is not what is going to last..... He is still "running"......<P>Keep loving him. In the end that is what matters. <P>Believe me, I know how hard this is for you. I am having just as rough a time. For my H it doesn't seem to be sex, but work..can you believe that!!!! I know that can only last for some time... He is running too.<P>We (BS) are all going through different struggles. The WS is also going through their own.. You have to find the best balance for YOU...<P>The principles here are very sound as far as relationships go...I truly believe that...<P>In the end we can only control what we can control...and that is us!!!!!<P>I've taken a different approach to controlling myself...but my kids are the plan A material right now... As for me...I am changing. Even I can't believe it.<P>Have faith... We are all with you!!!too!

Lostva- You know I love you girl.<P>Alison- No I don't sit on the sidelines laughing it up with everyone. We all do talk but its about everyday stuff not about my situation. I would feel very funny to invite him into the crowd of people. ITs just to ackward. I have a hard time even looking at him. <P>Tonight, he sent me an e mail stating that he was faxing all his financial information over to his attorney and then his attorney would fax it to mine. He does not trust giving my the info. He also came into the house and took a gift certificate that we got as a christmas present and he said in his e mail that he will take anything that was "our" of his. Sorry I think thats tacky.<P>Also, tonight was his night with the kids. I made plans to go out. Now,I left him a message that I will not be home until 10pm. SO, he write in his e mail that if I am going to be late i need to let him know ahead of time. PLEASE!! He is so hooked. He can not be out past 9 o'clock in the evening becasue OW will get angry. He never spends time with his kids. HE is supposed to keep them one night a week over night and he hasn't even been doing that lately. What it comes down to, is he only wants to spend a few hours 2 times a week with them and then only keep them during the daytime only one day on the weekend.<P>You all would be so proud of me on how I responded to his e mail. Sweet as Pie. I wish you could have read it all. <P>Anyway, I am losing hope and finding myself not wanting to fight at all anymore. I do not like one think about the person he had become. NOT ONE!!