Hi everyone. I am new to this site and have gained heaps of encouragement just from reading other's experiences. I am not crazy after all.<P>I have been married 26 years. I look back now and realize we didn't ever have a relationship and neither ever met the other's needs. From the start, my husband was out every night, either with sport or drinking with the boys on Friday nights. He would come home regularly at 3 or 4am or ring me to say he would sleep in his office as he had had too much to drink. I had no interests so felt very lonely. My life revolved around the three kids.<P>Ten years ago I met and fell in love with an old boyfriend. I had never felt such happiness and told my husband I was leaving him. He did everything to keep me, including begging, manipulating, shaming, promising to change, telling me I was a bad mother and wife and I was destroying our family. He told me that he had always been faithful to me. He even became a Christian. I stayed but it was very hard to give up the other man.<P>Five years ago my husband admitted that he had had a three year affair with another woman 20 years ago. Four years ago I found out that he'd had a one night stand with his mate's wife, 12 years ago. In February last year I found out that he had been on with his secretary 23 years ago and numerous other one night stands. In November last year I discovered another affair which had been going on for 16 years. She rang him at his office when I was there. My women's intuition told me there was something going on and I did some investigating and found out the truth.<P>I am devestated. My marriage has been a lie. He still lies about this latest affair. He said he only became a Christian to please me and he was pushed into it. It wasn't real. He says he never cared about these women, only used them. He thinks he had an addiction to sex but has got over it. Amazing recovery!!! The only reason he doesn't see OW is because I found out.<P>His women have been abusive to me on the phone. Two of them have said, "I am sick and need help". What a cheek considering they have been sleeping with my man. His sisters both stick up for him because he never gives them the full story. They think I give him a hard time. <P>I scream, cry, become aggressive physically, suffer deep depression which I am on medication for, sometimes feel like driving into a tree. I haven't got the hang of Plan A yet as I am so full of rage.<P>The picture of them in bed with my H is haunting me day and night.<P>I know what people will say. You have done it too. Yes, you are right but I endured 17 years of hell before I did and I know that does not excuse it but at least I told my husband about the OM in the first week of the affair. I gave him up and tried to make a go of our marriage. This does not seem to make my pain any less.<P>We are now having a trial separation. I am full of fear of what my H will do in his lonely flat. He says he only wants me and always loved me. My love for him has gone but I still cling on. I don't know what you would call what I feel for him now. He plants little seeds of fear in me if I don't respond to him. He says he will have to find someone else. He collected his best shirts last week from home, not ones he would wear to work. He hangs up on me if I get upset on the phone and says he doesn't need this. What does he expect? Then he says he won't see anyone else. I can't trust him.<P>I am trying to let go of him and trust in God with the outcome. I can't change him and my clinging nature is not helping.<P>I am so sorry this letter is so long. There is so much more to tell but I'd better stop. I hope someone out there can give me some encouragement. Sometimes I want someone to tell me enough is enough but everything I read here encourages mending even the worst marriages. Is that always wise? I don't know what to do. Our health is suffering.<P>Linny<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Lizzy

Hi Linny,<P>Have you read the "General Welcome for New Builders"? If not, it is in the Just Found Out forum. Go read it and the things it refers to.<P>Actually there have been people who have been encouraged to leave their marriage, when physical abuse etc. is involved.<P>Whether your marriage is worth saving is a decision for you and your husband. I can understand your rage and you should seek couselling to help you deal with it. Plan A is a real challenge, but it does work for many people. It will be a heck of a lot easier if you can get your rage under some control.<P>26 years is a long time, and I think it would be worthwhile to give it your best shot. Then whatever happens you will know you did your best.<P>Take care

Hi, Linny:<P>I don't think the number of affairs or who had them is an important element in deciding whether you can save your marriage or not. <BR>That's in the past...your H professes to wanting to save the marriage. <P>After you've read a little here you'll find that affairs are a symptom of a bad marriage not a cause. You'll also find out that the way we deal with communication problems is usually counterproductive to finding a solution. Our intuition gets in the way and can lead us astray.<P>Stay here awhile and read everything you can. Get a firm foundation in MB techniques and then give them a try and see what happens. It is important that you review all the basic information and truely understand it before you try to impliment a plan to restore your relationship. There are resouces for reading and counseling is available if you would like it.<P>It won't be easy and you will probably need to come here and rant occasionally. We'll be expecting you and understand when you do.<BR> <BR>Please let us know what's happening.<P>Buffy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 01, 2000).]

I don't think it is a matter of how many affairs or how long either unless they are all known about and continue once the knowledge is there. I think affairs are big, violent, obnoxious, undeniable cries for help. There is a problem and the betrayer doesn't know how to voice his frustrations or ask for what he really needs, so he does what he must to get your attention. So, now that he has it, what are you both going to do?<P>I think the biggest factor in whether there can be reconciliation and success is our attitude. Look at all the people with so much less than ourselves (and no matter where you are in life, there are those with "more" and those with "less") who are just happy as can be. Why is that? I believe it is because they choose to be. <P>My H and I hit a rough patch 5 years ago when I discovered his first EA. I was beside myself! I was inconsolable! I didn't want to go on and didn't see any reason to. Do you know what made the difference? I just started giving myself positive affirmations and made the decision to be committed. I kept saying things like, "I love this man. I love this life. I am committed to this marriage. He is committed to me..." It did wonders for my attitude and for our relationship.<P>No, you can't change your H and you can't make him committed, but my guess is that your H is simply afraid. If he felt he had more security with you, he might reveal his vulnerabilities and allow you to help him work through them. I think his indecision comes from fear of not knowing what you are going to do. <P>I don't know. Maybe you've had enough and it is time to go, but you aren't going to have any real progress until one of you firmly decide to pick a direction. You can't make him choose the same direction, but by knowing what you want and giving him a road map to find you, you give him an opportunity to meet you there.<P>I hope that you will give your marriage a chance to heal before giving up on so many years. Can't guarantee that it will work or even that it will be worth it, but I think you both deserve a real chance.