Hi friends,<P>As you guys know I am not contacting my H, and I'm avoiding his calls. I just need some emotional distance. After seeing or talking to him I go into a pretty deep depression and feel to blame for everything. So I decided to take a mini-moratorium of sorts.<P>So this morning my H sent me an email. I started crying when I read it, and I'm so confused. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be in the middle of this anymore (H & OW), but I do love and miss my H. OW is such a nutcase, I'm somewhat afraid of even responding to my H. Plus I don't know what my H is trying to say in his email. What does he want from me? <P>Please read email and give me your thoughts.<P>Thanks guys!<P>********************************************<P>Hi<BR>I'm not sure if you wanted me to stop contacting you. I feel like everything I do or say might be causing you damage. I do miss you and I wish we could talk or communicate easier. No one reads my e-mail and no one has access to my pager messages. Anyway, If you don't want to hear from me you can just delete this.<P>I've started classes again. Business 101 in the morning + math lab. I've gone to an interview at Supervalue for an Internship. It looks like a good opportunity to learn and put into practice the things I've been studying. They have a network of about 300 users on a MS network with a Novell <BR>backbone, the same as our campus at TCC. They need three interns for help desk positions. I guess that would be the equivalent of when you use to do support for AET. I'll know by Friday if they liked me at the interview. Most of the people that look at my resume can't understand how I could have been <BR>a musician for 20 years and not had a "real job."<P>The boys are doing great. They both passed to the next grade in school. Ryan swims every day in his pool for about 8 hours a day. Steven has grown about a foot and never has clean clothes, but he is as sweet as ever. <P>As I'm fixing up this house to live in I think back of when we (you and I) were fixing our house up to live in. I feel a great sadness and sense of loss. Those times were very important to me. It was a time for hope and building of a future.<P>I don't know quite what has happened to us. Maby something like a plant or rose bush that didn't get watered enough and withered. Part of you is with me all the time in whatever I do. I share things with you, I talk to you and I even argue with you. I remember your voice and laughter before the sad times.<P>Please be well.<BR>I Love you,<BR>Steve

Resilent,<P>I not quite sure about your story. I looked at your profile and your story wasnt on there. <P>I am thinking that your in Plan B. Did your H move out? <P>The thing is that he is thinking aout you. He is aware of the times that you spent together. I would have never sent that letter to my H. Not when I was with OM.<P>I think he wants you to know that he still cares. Which is a good sign. He is just confused. <P>I would think that Plan A would be appropriate. But again, I dont know your story. I do know that H would have never heard words like that from me. <P>Im ot going to tell you what to do though. Let someone that knows more about it give advice.<P>Looking at it from the WS point. I would definately do PLAN A. I see a chance here.<BR>I would pray for strength and plan a all the way. <P>Im wishing you luck. What about the OW? Why is she physco?<P>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>BTW! The thing about that email is. He is wanting to tell you about the future. About his job. THat is a plus. There are needs that you are filling. That is the only sad thing here. He is getting them from OW and you. <P><BR>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!<p>[This message has been edited by inamess (edited June 30, 2000).]

Hi Renee,<P>Thank you so much for responding.<P>Quick BIO:<P>My H and I are separated (2 mos). Discovery was approx mid-99', and he continued this PA while living at home, He was very blatant about it. OW haraases me over the phone and w/hate mail.<P>I did not want the separation. H wanted it. H has told me he has very strong feelings for OW and he might love her. But I do know he tells her he loves her. Also, OW has OC from H. I am not in Plan B, I guess I'm still in Plan A, although right now I need some emotional distance. I need a break from the harassment and blame.<P>It's so interesting hearing from a WS's point of view. Why would my H want to keep me hanging??? He has told me it may be too late for us. He has said sme pretty final things to me, and I'm starting to believe him. But he continues to call me and leave sad messages. He wants to see me too, but I just can't take it.<P>Any insight from a WS is very much appreciated. It may at least help me understand why his actions and his words don't match. Is this love or security?<P>Many Prayers,<BR>Jo

I think it is normal ambivalence. I think you still have a shot at making this work. He obviously is thinking about you and wants you to contact him. He's paved a way where you can do that without being confronted by the OW (Which should be totally unnecessary since you ARE his WIFE, but hey...).<P>It seems as though you are conflicted too, but at some point you are going to have to decide whether you are in or out of the game. If you are in it, now it the time to get up to bat because he just threw you a ball! <P>I am not saying throw everything at him, just baby steps. I think it's time too to get out of that Plan B and start talking. You are going to have some good days and bad days, but you have the strength to see them through. I believe in you!

Oh, man! Stuff is really happening around here.<P>I know, I promised on Popeye's thread I wasn't gonna post. OK, here I go again.<P>BTW, she's right - Popeye, I mean. He's just put the ball in your court. There IS a glimmer here, but a long way to go yet, but he has such strong feelings for you.<P>This one's up to you, Resilient. But I can see some very good things in this letter.<P>I'll be thinking of you.<P>Love and prayers,<BR>Lori

Well I am a ws and I can tell you right now I would never have written a letter like that to my ex once I left! There are a lot of good signs in that letter. It's really tough to know exactly how he feels. He could be stringing you on while he tests this relationship with the ow. Have you there just in case it doesn't work out. He'd rather have you then be alone. Or, once he's out living the seperated life he could really be missing you and realizing that he has made a mistake. But more importantly I think you need to think about you and what you want. Say he did come back. There is still the issue of the oc. He can't cut this ow off entirely (which is ideal if you end the affair and go back to your spouse) because he still wants and has a relationship with his child. So, can you live with always wondering if he'll want to go back to her and have a family? This would be especially scarey if he comes back to you but still has feelings for her. It would be different if he were 100% positive that he had no feelings for her. Being a second wife with step kids, I read boards that are for second wives. Some of them have this great fear that if their husband spends too much time talking to the ex that they'll miss what they had in their first marriage and go back. Some of this kinda relates to your situation even though your husband was never married to her. Then you have second wives that are very secure in their marriage and don't ever feel frustrated or jealous of the first wife. What's the difference? One big one is the fact that they have a great marriage with their husband. If you really love somebody NOBODY can steal you from them. The two of you would have to really build a strong marriage together. The other secure 2nd wives no that their husband has no love or no feelings towards their first wife. I would think you'd need that reassurance from your husband that his feelings for her were gone in order to handle the frequent contacts that they have because of the kids. Am I making any sense or just foaming at the mouth??

Jo, You've gotton some great advice. I do think the letter shows he is thinking of you. I didn't realize there was an OC... I guess that doesn't make the confusion better.<P>You know where I am...I also took some time for emotional distance. When I first did this my H tried the e-mail thing too. It was very hard for me not to respond.<P>But I have a different situation. He is maintaining that this is JUST a coworking antimaterialism bond thing.<P>I know from OP's H that that is not what she wants...SHe is whining to her H about losing my H and maybe losing him as well....even there son knows about it.<P>Now my H is kind of mad at me because I am not talking to him. He complained to his mom who's response to him was "what did you expect her to do, after you threw her away like an old shoe."<P>He also told the kids that I won't talk to him.....which really annoys me...but he has them all the time now and has them call me all the time when he has them. <P>I can't do much more until there is resolution between he and OP!!!! I know my H...there is NO WAY he is going to go with an OP that leaves her kids...and I KNOW it bothers him (or will when the fog lift more) that she told everyone about him divorcing me...and I KNOW he KNOWS that his family will never accept her...so he is losing a lot. I also know that the fact that he is mad is a good sign.... IN FACT...he and I probably NEED to get to the conflict stage.<P>I have to tell you, pulling back emotionally was good for me....I was feeling so low emotionally... It was very difficult to hear the things from my H that I did when he came home from the trip...He has NEVER said anything mean or nasty to me..... He left the house telling me he loved me and would miss me....He even bought me a very expensive necklace while he was away....something he always did.<P>I think my H did NOT realize how close he was in the relationship with OP.and when confronted retreated into this very fantastical world. <P>He is going to need a lot of strength to get out of this.....I need to be strong...I wasn't...I allowed myself to be so emotionally battered.....<P>stepping back has forced me to look closely at myself and another thing it has done is allowed me to truly see that i do love him...no matter what.... My intial feelings of self pity and resentment are fading into a calm.... THis was incredibly sudden for me...though like I said looking back i should have realized that she should not have been confiding to him about her marital problems...... She really did portray herself as a damsel in distress.<P>I wonder if you can plan A via e-mail...It would lesson the emotions that you feel when seeing him......<P>But Jo, tell me what he thinks the sad times are???? Maybe the key is there... Maybe you can get him to think about backpedaling to the point prior to this..... via letters ???? memories??????<P>

Jo:<P>You know what my H will say to me when we discuss his relationship to OW. <P>"There is no way I would make the choice of picking OW over you if I were thinking with my rational mind. You are my rock, my foundation...without you I'm not sure of how strong I am."<P>Is there any way H would throw that away until he is really sure of what he wants? No, I don't think so.<P>I'm not saying he doesn't mean what he says. I think he probably does, but his main motivation is not loosing you. He may not even be aware of his motivation. <P>All these indications suggest to me you should be back in Plan A again. I understand your difficulty in maintaining a good Plan A with your H giving you positive signs and then withdrawing (this has been very hard on you emotionally). <P>But I feel that your H is reaching out to you from some level of his fogginess...clinging to memories of you for support, for reaffirmation that you will continue to be there for him. (Selfish perhaps, but it shows an appreciation of how much he needs you.) <P>It's your decision to make. Fence sitting is hard on you, but it would seem to be a natural part of the transition back to his "normal" life....no matter how long that transition takes.<P>Perhaps for a while your communications could be by e-mail. It would certainly be easier on you than the phone or in person.<P>You could explain how difficult a time you have been having with his relationship with OW,the separation and the counseling sessions and that you felt that you needed a little distance and time to re-establish your equalilibrium. Make it in terms of what you needed (no LBing).<P>Reaffirm your love for him and assure him of your continued support no matter what he decides to do. You can't make that decision for him but hopefully you can make it easier for him to make the right one.<P>We'll be here whatever you decide.<P>Buffy<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 01, 2000).]