You guys are not going to believe this! Poorme has asked me to stop the divorce. He wants to work on things and "see what happens." He says a lot of damage has been done and he doesn't know if it can be overcome, but he loves me and wants to try.<P>So, here's the dilemma. Obviously I have been lied to in the past. Obviously he said he was coming home before and did not. I am afraid that this is about money. He's having a hard time (because he doesn't know how to budget) and feels like if I stay, he won't have to lose anything or pay me anything. (he has a friend who reconciled with his wife after her affair so that he wouldn't have to give her anything). He sees the potential for me to make big bucks in my new job and I think he wants in on it. Am I being skeptical or can this be for real?<P>Frankly, all I ever wanted was a chance. Since the OC is no longer a factor, I am much more open to working things out despite how I have been stepped on (thanks to you all!) All I wanted was him to try. I didn't think he was a good risk, and still don't, but I did promise to be there in good times and bad. I meant that.<P>I especially want to hear from those who are familiar with all he's said to me and about me. Please? I know I can't be unbiased in this situation, so I need some help. If we try and fail, that will be okay with me. It's better than bagging the whole thing without trying at all. If we get back together to save his finances, that is NOT okay with me! I just don't know if this is real. HELP!<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited June 30, 2000).]

OMG Popeye, unbelievable.<P>I want to read your post again and think some before I respond. In the meantime, can you tell us more about "why" you believe his change of heart is motivated by money?<P>I'll be back.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Why? Well, the last 3 times I've spoken to him, it's been about amending the settlement so that I get less. It's been cordial, but it's been focused on money. He's never had to deal with it because I always did. He knows I am great with finances and he is not. He doesn't trust people with his stuff, but he does trust me. He is afraid of losing what he's worked for. Although he has not acknowledged it aloud, I think he knows that I have been the glue to hold our business together and he's afraid of losing his grip on that. Maybe I am reading too much into it. Maybe I am just experiencing normal betrayed's anxiety, but I have been put through enough without being robbed of my settlement and my dignity yet again!

OK, I SWORE I was just gonna check in, read a bit and NOT POST.<P>Darn you, Popeye! I can't help myself.<P>I am familiar with your story and I can fully understand your hesitation. I've thought about it a bit and I decided, if it were ME, I'd go for it. (Now, why doesn't that surprise you? :rolleyes <P>Here are the reasons. First of all, money or no money, if he thought you guys would be miserable, he'd just keep going away - money's a powerful motivator, but that's a lot more powerful. There are some real feelings there, underneath all the crap and he may just be starting to realize that a tiny, tiny bit. Maybe not, but they may be guiding him. So, good way to start.<P>Now, assuming that money IS the only motivation.....so what! If you're willing, you can slowly but surely CHANGE that motivation, gently lead him along until you've built the marriage that YOU deserve and that will make him happy too. Some come home for the kids, some for money, some for "social acceptance", some (like mine) out of obligation. Whatever the reason gives you a chance. And you've learned so very much, heck, a chance is all that you need.<P>If YOU want this marriage, then you follow your heart. You know the right things to do, you know what you need.<P>Good luck. Think hard - this is a big step. But I think it's one that you're up for! <P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Popeye,<P>I've been meaning to reply to this post, it's just so unbelievable ... but I'm at work today and called into a couple emergency meetings. I will do my very best to send you my thoughts by this evening.<P>I have thought about this new development and want to tell you what I'm thinkng.<P>Please be patient.....and thank you for your input on my thread regarding my H's email. You're really Great Popeye, always responding with good insight and thoughts. I truly appreciate you! Lucky to have someone like you help me. I hope I can reciprocate. <P>Talk to you later today,<P>Jo

Lori, <P>I just don't know! The thought of dealing with all the crap is just overwhelming. I *am* a bit bothered by the whole premise for his returning, if indeed it is because of the money. I kind of agree with you that the reason for returning doesn't matter as much as that he wants to, but have I sunk so low that I would just take any old thing? Oh, my wounded pride!

Popeye:<P>Just found your e-mail message and jumped on this site to respond to this incredible news. This is a stunning revelation, Popeye. I am vascilating between a feeling of overwhelming joy for another miracle, reconcilliation for you and those damned, annoying Red Flags flapping in the breeze.<P>Slowly assess the situation. I know why you are skeptical. Perhaps a written agreement on the order of a pre-nup to protect your assets. Discuss boundaries with Poorme? Have a list of requirements that must be met in order for you to accept him back home. <P>I did this with David. I gave him a laundry list of what he needed to do in order for me to let him come home. He did most of them.<P>Under the circumstances, it's the LEAST they can do after what they have put us through. Fair and equitable rules must be established for both of you to fascilitate a new beginning, a solid starting base with which to build on. <P>It is important that they show they are willing to acknowledge what they did and take responsibility for their actions...to enable you to begin to trust again.<P>My laundry list to David was:<P>1. Absolutely no contact ever again with OW<BR>2. Must stop drinking and go through treatment<BR>3. Must continue with a program of recovery<BR>4. Must turn over assets to me until OC issue has been resolved<BR>5. Must go through Retrouvaille<BR>6. Must go to counseling<BR>7. Must make amends to children<BR>8. Must make amends to family<BR>9. Must acknowledge to friends and family that the things said about me were untrue<BR>10. Remarry within the next couple years<BR>11. Above all, complete and total honesty on every level<P>There were other things on that list but I can't remember what they were right off hand, but I beleive it is absolutely required that perameters/boundaries are set ahead of time...<P>Perhaps you can fashion a list of your requirements to submit to Poorme for discussion and compromise. Just a suggestion. I'd hate for you to be left wide open without ground rules set ahead of time.<P>Once that is out of the way, and he has agreed to most or all of your terms, then you can relax and put heart and soul into recovery and not feel vulnerable or used. There should be no room for his resentment of what you need for yourself to feel protected and safe. After what he has put you through, he should be grateful you love him so much that you are even considering bringing him home. <P>He may surprise you and be truly sincere and he may even display a new maturity you have never seen before, simply because of your kindness and generosity and who you are. <BR>He knows what he has in you, he's no fool that way. <P>Now that there is no OC issue to deal with, you do have a clean slate with no leftover fallout to deal with, except the deception and trust issues. This will take a some time to heal and he needs to understand that and be empathetic; be man enough to acknowledge what he did to you and to the marriage. He needs to show you sincere remorse and to accomodate you in every possible way to show his sincerity. There's no room for self serving me, me, me. It has to be about you, you, you for a change.<P>It's a tall order, but if he wants to come home, he must be up for the challenge. He's asking a lot after the way he has treated you, and I hope he realizes how lucky he is that you are even considering a reconciliation.<P>I bet he would be moved to know how you truly love him and how you feel about him and how much you want this marriage to succeed. I hope he realizes it and it will inspire him to turn away from serial deceptions and turn only to you for his needs, and let you meet his needs and make an real concerted effort to meet yours.<P>You are BOTH in my prayers tonight. You have some huge decisions to consider. I want the best for you ...and for him, too. I know he is basically a 'good guy' or you wouldn't have fallen in love with him to begin with.<P>Please forgive me for my extremely opinionated response as it is borne out of feeling protective of you. I have a tendency to shoot off my mouth when I feel very passionately about something; I hope I didn't offend. This is really important stuff-much to consider. <P>God bless, Popeye...I'll be storming the heavens for you.<P>Catnip =^^=<P> <P>

Hi popeye,<P>I agree that you should follow your heart, but with your eyes wide open. In other words, talk to your attorney about the legal ramifications of reconciling.<P>I am acquainted with a couple that are going through a similar situation. The woman has been having an affair. When her husband discovered it, they separated and he got custody of their two children and retained their "dream house" that they had just completed. They had legally separated with a joint agreement.<P>However, when they reconciled for a brief period, it voided the agreement, and now he cannot use her infidelity to regain custody of the children because he was aware of it when he agreed to reconcile. Therefore his legal position has been very much eroded. It has also come to light that her attorney made her aware of this, so the entire reconciliation was an act on her part.<P>I wish you the best, whatever you decide.<P>Peppermint

Popeye:<P>Do you want him at home....or do you want him just working on the marriage? Since you have some hesitance about jumping back into a marriage relationship, perhaps you ought to have some preliminary negotiations about what will be accomplished during the attempted reconciliation. It's the least he should expect after what he's put you through. <P>If you cannot come to terms about what is to take place prior to and after your reconciliation, then perhaps he really is not serious about the matter. In other words, he has to be willing to give as well as you...has to be willing to build some new bridges for both of you to meet on.<BR> <BR>All is not lost however if he is still hesitant about making the changes he needs to make to mend the marriage. He is headed in the right direction. Maybe he will need a little more time. <P>Perhaps his reasons are the only acceptable reasons he can give himself for coming back.<P>It is a positive that he wants to try again for whatever reason. Make some ground rules and let him try.<P>Buffy<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 01, 2000).]