I'm back. I have been working on myself, thinking, reading and reading and sorting through many feelings. First I would like to say that all of you who post here are wonderful people. You seem so dedicated to making your marriages work in the face of such heartache. And some of you have a wonderful sense of humor. That's one of my favorite emotions. Medic, your are a riot.<BR>You make my day when I read your posts. <P> My H(who betrayed) is <BR>having difficulty with quilt and remorse and it is taking its toll on him and his work. He had an accident today, nothing serious thank goodness, but he is worried he could lose his job if he doesn't get a hold of his thoughts.<BR>We have had many talks and along with dealing with my pain in this he is suffering too. I have tried to tell him what you all have told me and I print out posts that I feel would help him understand. He does read them and is willing to read more. Now to the question. For those who have betrayed, could you please relate what you felt and how you dealt with your pain. H says he wants to work through this and for our marriage to be what it should have been all along. I feel he does want to work this through, but fear he will slip into his old habits of denial and escape as he has always done with things that trouble him deeply. It is time to break that cycle. I know I cannot do this for him, but I can at least give him things to ponder as he struggles to keep his head above water. He hates what he has done to himself, me and our marriage. If any of you who have been in this position could give some feedback for him I would be grateful. I have found so much help here. I do wish none of us had to be here, but I am glad I found such caring, supportive and humorous people to feel my pain with. God Bless you all. I'm still hanging in there. I have my good days and bad days but I'm not giving up yet. Even though I may feel like it at times. <P>Sorry this was so long. I'm a windbag tonight.

Hey Devastated2,<P>I saw your post earlier tonight, but, my son kept IMing me from ESU. He met a nice girl at college and wants advice. Looks like I might have a daughter in law some day. Yeah, OK, take advice from me, are you on the dope?<P>I take your comment as a very nice complement! I thank you. I try to find the best out of all situations even though this is very hard for me. I love Val dearly. Had a speed bump a few weeks ago, but I'm back to being goofy! I fell down the cellar steps as a child and broke the cement.<P>I am the betrayed this round, but I would like to tell you both of when I was the betrayer 13 years ago with my first W.<P>Things were not going well on the home front. We were young and immature. Thinking back that was only an excuse. We didn't know what was expected of a married couple, less what one meant. Yeah, that was a good reason. We got older, but, no smarter. Right.<P>I was running with a volunteer ambulance service and was told that a rather attractive girl thought I was nice and funny [imagine that]. That was pretty much it. I was hooked. Things here at the house sucked. Rita gave me the attention and the warm feelings that I should have gotten from my W. I didn't try to get them where I should have. Can you say d!ckhead?<P>These fabulous feelings with the OW lasted a grand total of 9 months before Medic woke up. I went back and begged the W to forgive me and take me back as I found out I was in a Fantasyland and the bottom fell out. <P>Unfortunately for us we never wanted to get back together at the same time. Early on Toni was interested. Later it was me. We missed out because, bottom line, we had poor communication skills. If we could have told each other what we wanted and needed, we would have celebrated our 19th wedding aniversary this past October. We are the best of friends right now. I get along better right now with my X than the present W.<P>If only we could have reached common ground my/our children would not have been brough up in a broken home. Too late, Too smart.<P>Toni sent me a very touching E-mail recently telling me that she still loves me and if things go south with Val she would like a chance to get back together. If only you could go back in time.<P>Devastated2, Please don't waste the time you have now. You will never get it back. Sorry not much humor in this post as it is not very funny to me.<P>Catch me on the next one though. I'm still stuck on stupid!<P>Hope this helps just a little bit.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Dear Dev,<P>To honor your request:<P>As the betrayer, after I ended my affairs, the one thing I remember being aware of most was a deep, steady gnawing in the pit of my stomach. Fear? Loss? Anger? I don't know, because once I started allowing myself to come out of the denial and turn my heart back on, I felt so many things at once and so much, it was hard to distinguish - kinda like trying to separate flavors in a complex sauce. Not that I was ever really that in touch with my emotions anyhow. So, in short in the beginning you may go thru a tangle of emotions that will be hard to untangle. It passes ....<P>Once I dedicated myself to working full-time, no cop-outs on our marriage, I do admit to experiencing my fair share of frustration - tell your H that although he is willing to put his best foot foreward now, he may not always get the desired repsonses from you. You will go thru periods where you are not responding in the way he hoped you will. The day may come when he syas to you, "Hey, sweetheart, I'm sorry for what I did" as he should, and often. But you that day might feel like saying, "Well, you should be! I can't believe the pain you caused me!" So, H, be prepared, it's a hard road, but the rewards are well worth your consistant efforts. <P>You may feel unwanted twinges of nostalgia when you see something that reminds you of the OW. IMPORTANT: This is where I kept screwing up - DON'T let that emotion be more powerful than your decsion. Roll with the feeling, experience it, write a letter and burn it if ou have to, but DO NOT contact her. You'll be back at square one, where I found myself many times.<P>Now, let's talk about sex. This will take awhile to get back to normal. Devasated, if H seems hesitant to make love to you again, it's most likely NOT due to him thinking of *her* or finding you undesirable. Six months down the line, my libido is not near where it should be for me (at 24 ). Yet this has nothing to do with me still wanting someone else. I know what it's NOT but I am still trying to sort out what it IS that has my sex drive on the mend. <P> I'll mention here that H has recovered quite quickly in this area - <P> tho he admits to thinking about me touching the OM and vice-versa. <P>We have some of our closest moments following intimacy due to this, for some reason - guess we're more open to emotion then.<P>But please, most importantly tell your H this - that yes, it is an uphill road in the beginning. But what starts out as San Francisco eventually turns into ... well, not exactly Kansas, but, you get the idea, I hope. It DOES get easier. Especially if you stay around and support your H, Dev. That is so important. <P>Talk, talk talk about your feelings!<P>My H is sitting here reading this as I write and says - "Funny you should say that, denial girl!" But I think I've come a long way.<P>Hope I covered your question in my novel here! I have so much to SAY cause I held it in for so long... Feels good to write!!!!'<P>Khyra

Thanks Medic and Khyra:<P>I appreciate your responses. Don't know if H will read them now or not. I was stuck in stupid last night I guess. I tried to be loving and supportive to H last night. He was in a mad mood. I went to the store after he had dinner. Gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. I was feeling pretty good, considering, when I returned home he was on internet and when I walked in he clicked on history to delete it, and did. I asked him why he did this. H said it was full but I knew it was not that full and he acted like he was trying to hide something. I asked him if he was looking at porn again and he got upset with me, REALLY upset. Said he was tired of this and me not trusting him. So why not let me check history then? HMMMMM.<P>I told him I just wanted him to be honest. Wrong thing to say.....I let it go. Later, I was looking through bills and checkig our phone bill and asked him about several calls made on the night he said he went to bar. He said he worked that day, but according to the call list he could not have worked because of the times they were made and all were called from our home number. He got REALLY REALLY MAD then. Could not understand why I am bringing this up. I said I needed the truth,<BR>he responded with he already done that. So why get so upset? Everything then was thrown back on me. OH BOY! He got so mad that he slammed door to bedroom and threw my books around the room. Saying he HATED me. Yes, a tantrum fit. I remaind calm on the outside.<BR>I did not return the tantrum. I can't help but feel he has not been completely truthfull about what happened and when. And according to H I should not be asking these questions and just let it go. Am I wrong? I just want the honest truth. He has lied so much to me before but this time I feel I should not let this go because of what happened. <P>I know, TIME, TIME and more TIME. And I am working on my feelings in this and trying to keep perspective. But if someone wants to be honest why do they get so angry as if they are trying to hide something. I don't think he wants me to check up on him when he is on computer or anything else. My trust in him has been broken. I don't go through draws and spend my days trying to follow his tracks. It's not like that and I don't want to live like that. But when I know he has been on the computer when I'm not home, Yes, I am curious to see if he is still into his addiction to porn. Because he has done this for so long and always when I am not at home.<BR>I didn't think that was asking too much but<BR>WOO! it was last night. Of course he said he wasn't accessing those sites but he deleted any evidence that would prove it to me. So I could see he was being honest. Does this sound suspicious to anyone? And the phone calls on night of infidelity. Which meant he did not work that day and was at home. Meaning it was perhaps on weekend when he said it was not or on his day off which means he intended to go to bar looking good not in work clothes and see where things would lead.<BR>It throws a different meaning in all this. Becasue according to his original story, he<BR>got off work was hot and stopped in bar to just have a beer. But if this is not the truth then just what was he really thinking when this occurred. Sorry this is so long again. I'm just so confused right now and H is very angry with me. WHY?!?<P>Am I totally off base here. Am I LBusting to ask?