To those who have wondered. IT is all out on the table now. The storm clouds are swirling and building. There are dark days ahead.<P>She was made aware of it all today (Saturday). Interestingly, this morning, on my daily walk, I remembered a time, years ago, when her and I went to the Grand Canyon. We took the 7 mile hike down to a look out point. Going down...was a 'piece of cake'. But climbing back out was a whole nother matter. There were times in the climb out, we wondered if we could do it. Amazing, is it not, how easily it is for us to descend into the pits of darkness. Sooner or later, we must face the climb out.<P>How we do, remains to be seen.<BR>Not sure when I will be back here. But for all those who said my wife needed to know....<BR>She does now!

NoMas...<BR>I am walking that same 7 mile hike you are today. Yes, the clouds seem dark and the hike all up hill, but if my experience this week is any indication of what lies ahead, we do climb out and our marriages will be made stronger through the blood, sweat and tears of honesty. Just be sure you have a good, strong pair of hiking boots, my friend! <P>I am so happy you shared the truth with your wife. She had to know, just as my husband had to know. My withholding only cemented the stronghold the OM had upon my heart. YOu will make it through this. I'm praying for you both. <P>As one who is suffering as you are, let me encourage you that you did the right thing. Now God can begin the real healing. Until now, we were fighting the battle alone. That's no way to win the war! <P>Bless you...please keep us posted as to how you are doing. This forum has helped me more than any counseling I've been in yet. <P>Wings...<BR>

NoMas,<P>What can anyone say right now...it probably will get worse before it gets better.<P>I know you have your own pain and issues, but focus on your wife right now. I suspect her world has been shattered. It had to happen, but please understand how much pain and shock she is in. Don't hold out rigid expectations of how she is "supposed" to handle this. <P>May God be with you in these days ahead.

NoMas, I truly believe you did the right thing. If my H had done the same, wewould not be in this BIG boat without a paddle.<P>I think it was when I confronted him that he finally even realized himself how deep he was, and then had to retreat into a deep fog fantasy world.....in which he has walled off all emotions!!!<P><BR>My children are in therapy! His family, thoough they still love him, have lost respect for him..., he has lost respect in the community.....(they work together) his colleagues and friends....<P>Her 11 year old son knows what is going on!!! What an example this is all setting!<P>I believe, now that I have educated myself on needs and relationships, that my H and I could truly be in love again!!! We've just had a rough 2 years...even he admitted that.<P>I will pray that you wife's heart will be open and willing to learn about emotional needs and be able to rekindle the love that you both want and need....<P>I hope you will come here for advice..I hope your wife will come here too. She will find so much support!!!!

NoMas,<P>I, as a Betrayed, believe what you did is right. She needed to know.<P>You need to be there for her NoMas. She is devistated, the array of emotions she's experiencing are unexplainable. Her world is not the same anymore and she will feel a loss beyond belief. <P>I will never forget the day my H confessed, it is the darkest day I've ever experienced, my H was not the least bit empathetic to my feelings, he was almost happy with his rightness and smug with the fact he had relived his guilt. That in it self was teh most unbelievable part of the discovery. To this day I still hurt when I think of it.<P>So please be understanding, NoMas. Open up your heart to her, be there for her, feel for her. Although she may be withdrawn from you, or even angry at one point, make yourself avail for her, please.<P>You did what was right Nomas. God Bless you for that.<P>Jo

She is at work now. The calm before the storm.<BR>I just don't know what to do...or say...or how to act.....<BR>I feel so dead and empty inside....as I have been carrying this with me for so long.<BR>I don't know what she wants to hear from me...there are HUGE decisions that lie before us that will bring major changes in our lives. There is no escaping this, I know. <BR>It is simply...overwhelming.<BR>Sadly....I thought of these things before the fact. I just felt so powerless to do anything about it. Notice, I said I "felt so powerless". You just have to be in that place to even understand.<P>I remember a quote I came across a few years ago that read:<BR> "If you don't change the direction you are headed, you will get there."<P>Well....I got there. I just simply didn't know how to change the direction. Guess I just had to 'wreck' the vehichle first and wait for a tow truck.<P>I just don't have any clue...to what awaits me.<P>****sigh****

NoMas,<P>I said I wouldn't post you unless it was to congratulate you on recovering you marriage. I guess I lied. <P>You have done a very hard thing and you will get all the support you need here. You know it will be rough for awhile, but you may, just may, get a few good surprises along this very hard journey you've embarked on.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

You and your wife may both be emotionally exhausted. Maybe you could just rest in the relationship and just hold on for now until you gather more strength.<P>You often said you were trying to find a bridge back. Well you didn't find the bridge you were looking for on your own. Instead you called to her from across the divide.<P>Now you will have the chance to build a bridge together, but most building projects begin with a plan. Don't expect the bridge tomorrow and even if you both work on the bridge, you might not be working at the same rate of speed. <P>If you felt you were on a downward spiral, strap yourself in for the rollercoaster.<P>Remember the gravity of the situation is brand new to her, she will need some time to just absorb it. <P>Blessings! <P>

Oh NoMas,<P>You are no longer "Powerless", now that you've been truthful with your wife, you are empowered to make changes, it's a long hard road ahead but you have the power and the free will to change things.<P>The guilt you were carrying around was consuming you, and it may be that your wife knew something was wrong but she couldn't put her finger on it. You can't live with someone and be completely unaffected when they're going thru something as heavy as an affair. It subtly shows thru in different ways. <P>Can I ask ... how did she take it? I mean, she went to work so she may just be in shock .... I know I was not able to work aft discovery. I needed time to digest the whole thing.<P>Just be honest and loving NoMas. Be "real" about how you feel, that means if you don't know how you feel, then say that. Don't shut down and stop communicating with her. But do give her some time if she needs it, just be there for her, please.<P>I'm sorry you're going thru this, I'm praying for you and your wife.<P>Jo

NoMas...<BR>I am in that place, and believe me, I do understand. Sifted recently quoted something that "Freedom" wrote after his journey back to his wife...<BR>"Let your faith in God drive your behavior, and you can't go wrong." I know that to be true. Now we begin to be vulnerable with our spouses, perhaps for the first time in marriage. <P>Bless you and your wife as your continue to climb out of the valley. <BR>

Needless to say...she was rather 'stunned' over the admission today. She indicated that she was once again: "clueless", but like one of you said, how do you live with someone in that place and not know something is wrong. <P>I felt bad about her going off to work a couple of hours later. But then....I have drug this out this long...waiting for the right time. There never was one. <P>I had tried the counseling route in recent months...on my own....but realized that one of the major issues in my life was the involvement with this other person. And until that was resolved, seemed to me that no counseling or marrige restoration was going to take place. I also came to the conclusion that I was not going to get help from walking away from this friend of mine...without my wife's help.<P>Funny, but it was God who said: "It is NOT good for man to be ALONE." That....is a very significant statement.<P>I doubt that my wife will have any interest in coming to this web sight, since she knows I met "her" here. That is a shame, because I really think there are some great truths and principals here. I always have belived that.<P>This I know....it will only be the "grace" of God...that will deliver me from this place. And I know from his Word, that He "resists the proud...but gives grace to the humble." <P>Not sure why...but this evening....I actually sense a bit of hope...that somehow, someway....I am going ...."we" ...are going to survive this. And it would be my prayer...that my battle scars...will be proof enough someday...to others who venture down this path....that I know where they are at...and just hopefully...I will be able to show them the way out. <P>But for now....I must find that way.

NoMas...do you have any idea how much better you sound already?<P>Hope...That's a new word for you. And what Bible verse says "and hope does not disappoint"

I am glad you told your wife. I pleaded and prayed for the truth. The pain of getting to truth was by far the worst part of the journey, so at least you spared her that. <P>Once I knew, I beat my H up with the knowledge. I confronted and demanded to know why, why, why? I am sure it was more than he could handle with dealing with his guilt, the OW, and his OC. Guess I am just saying that you will probably get beat up too. If you want to avoid the pain we went through, you have to be patient, reassure her, and answer her questions. Don't respond to her pain with attacks. Don't walk out. Don't give up. She needs to know you aren't going anywhere and may do things to test you. be strong. Hang in there. I am rooting for you. I'd like to see you come out of this whole.

NoMas,<P>Thanks for sharing what has transpired. You no longer carry this alone in your fist - it is in God's hands now.<P>Just a suggestion: if your wife doesn't want to come to this site, you might consider printing off pertinent articles and posts. Posts you think she might identify with - to understand her pain, and posts that explain your pain. My husband doesn't like to come here, but I have printed off quite a few posts that I can identify with, or think he will identify with. He has always read them and appreciated it. <P>Thank you for sharing your pain, struggle to release, withdrawal and now the discovery. I know many (myself included) have already benefited from your transparency.<P>Today is a new day for you. There will be tough times, but "His mercies are new every morning". You no longer walk alone.

NoMas, I'm sorry for all you are going through right now.<P>You wonder about being 'clueless'...I am one of the 'clueless' ones myself.<P>It is easy to be clueless...just as easy as it is to not be awake. We all want to 'sleep' to not see.<P>You did...as did your wife...as I did.<P>We're all on the wonderous path of self discovery... Only God knows how it will work out.<P>I still think that in the end...it isn't the people you meet or the places youve been,or what you've learned, but how you've loved......<P>You're on the right path!!!

Popeye's advise was great. Here is a few more nuts & bolts suggestions.<P>Do not tell your wife how wonderful OW was. You won't convince her of that. It would just be hurtful. <P>You can expect your wife to not talk kindly of OW. Bite your tounge if you have to, but do not defend OW. You can accept the responsibility, but you will get nowhere defending OW. Maybe just listen and say "I know how angry you must feel." <P>It may be safer for your wife to blame OW or direct her anger at her than at you. Let it go.<P>Hold her as much as she allows. So much more healing went on for me from physical touch and affection (of course my H wouldn't talk). Even if she pulls away, keep trying without being overbearing.<P>Be just plain old wrong for a while as she absorbs and processes. She may get defensive if she feels you are giving her a list of changes SHE has to make to meet your needs. Of course if she asks and probes, that's different. When she has had a little time to get used to all of this, then gently guide her.<P>Have you ever read the book Love Life For Every Married Couple by Dr. Ed Wheat? We read that together just after discovery. It was so wonderful and so non threatening. Although it will be important to grow in knowledge of recovering from infidelity, and meeting needs...this is such a wonderful book on married love, it may be a nice place to start.<P>Blessings

My thoughts and prayers are with you...<P>This is something that I would never want to go through... Sigh... I really feel for you...<P>If my H knew, I wouldn't have a chance to tell anyone here about it... the puter would be GONE!<P>My best to you... hang in there... and good luck!<P>

OK....need some help here. Can anyone direct me to some specific articles here at MB that Harley was written about the aspect of "addiction". My wife scoffs at the notion right now. I am not addressing this so that she will 'start meeting my needs', but so that she will understand my cry to her...that I need her to at least understand and acknowledge what "force" is working against me here. I just want her to read some stuff to educate her...without me coming across like I am 'trying to educate her'. <P>Thanks for the input....<P>I saw the movie on Friday that just came out: "The Perfect Storm". I am working on the sequel here at home.<BR>Right now...I feel like I am being tossed about in those 40 and 50 foot swells. You wonder how long...you can tread water in a situation like that....because it sure doesn't seem like there is anywhere to swim.

*<p>[This message has been edited by Dawnn (edited July 06, 2000).]

I agree with everyone here that you did the right thing. I also was clueless to my ex's affair while it was going on. However. I had so much anger and hurt when I found out, and I had to get it out. At first I blamed him for everything and it took awhile for me to see my aprt. My ex would not talk about any of this. He had already decided everything was over, and I have had to go through this trying to get my questions answered. I so wish my ex would have talked with me or gone to a counselor with me. I think all the unanswered questions is why it has been so hard for me to detach. Regardless of your outcome with this marriage, please help her through this, She will go through periods of great pain and anger and hurt and will lash out at the one who isclosest to her. It took a week for the shock of his news to hit me before I reacted. My ex never gave me the chance to fix what was wrong, and I still believe deep in my heart we could have made it. He wasn't willing to take the chance. Please do not give up without knowing you did everything possible to save your marriage.