As some of you know, I haven't been here in a while, sometimes i do lurk, but most of the time it is hard to remember the things we try so hard to forget.<BR>I have some questions here from you all as you are recovering. We have been in recovery for 3 months now. things have been going along okay for the most part. Actually some days it is really great, toher's not so great.<P>But here is my questions.. <P>We have been trying to rebuild our marriage...but... we are finding that we are so awkward with each other. If we are with other people OR with our children then we are okay. but when we are alone, I feel so awkward and he has said the same thing. Is this normal? To feel awkward with each other when alone. The intimacy part is back to normal, actually better than ever, but when it comes to converation and being alone, it is just sooo weird. Does this go away with time? I know we really try but since I had the affair, I feel emotionally disconnected with him when we are alone. I hate this feeling and have no idea how to solve this. I just wanted some input from some of you who have been in recovery and understand what I am talking about.<P>I am almost to the point where I want to avoid being alone with him. Not that he has done anything wrong, just that I do not know how to feel or act when we are alone. I know that I love him but, i seem to be having a hard time learning to meet some of the emotional needs such as conversation. <P>He is working long hours in his new job and insteadof letting me go to work, he took on more hours at his job and took on a part time job in the evenings. Now ofcourse I do not understand what the difference is that he now works 15 hours a day instead of letting me work a part time job during the day so we have time to gether. We need to figure this out or we are going to fail at this marriage. Does any of this make sense?<BR>does anyone hae any suggestion?<P>forgot something.. He seems to be having second thoughts about us. After our last disterous "date night" he was very hurt and said that "I lovED you so much THEN". I almost felt like he was saying that he wasn't sure about this anymore. <P>any suggestions? <P>HELP!!!<BR>mercy<P>[This message has been edited by mercy (edited July 02, 2000).]<P>

Mercy<P>I am probably not the one that can answer your question about the awkwardness of being alone since my W is still living in another town. We have been spending a bit of time together recently and I do know the feeling you described. For me the awkwardness is about not knowing what the other has done during the separation. I don't know what she has done and I am afraid that if a subject comes up that is concerning her A then a potential LB might occur and that's not what I want to happen. I think she has the same problem but instead of worrying about Lbing she is reminded of guilt.<P>In our case we are not too close to recovery at this point (she is still seeing and talking to OM) so things are extremely awkward. In your case where the two of you have resolved the marriage, I believe that you should ask each other the questions that concern you and get the truth out in the open. For me the truth was usually much better than what I had imagined. I believe that eventually that feeling will go away as you both learn to be honest and trust each other again. Like everything else in the situations we are in, it takes time.<P>The second part of your post involving the amount of time you are spending together concerns me. With out an adequate amount of time (Dr. Harley says 15 hours just the two of you with no distractions per week) the two of you can learn about and work on your emotional needs very well. Read or reread "His Needs...Her Needs". If you both had jobs at the same time it might lead to more time together. The two of you should sit down and air your questions with each other.<P>I am not at all good at this and I probably didn't do you any good. I'm sorry for that, but I believe if both got this far you can continue to be honest and start to trust again and build a marriage much better than what you had before. After all you are a better person just by going through it and being a part of this web site.<P>Love and Prayers for you and Your Family!!<P>J W <P><BR>

Mercy,<P>I would like to offer a few suggestions to consider. First, I suspect the awkwardness that you refer to has several sources. One, of them is that you are starting a new marriage. You are seeing each other in a new light and now realize how fragil a marriage can be, so you are both a bit tenative about what to say to each other.<P>The tenativeness is coupled with the fact that you have let your H see a side of you that you are not very proud of. He worries about hurting you. By the same token, you have seen a side of him that he worries about. What is that you asked? Glad you did. <P>You have seen his vulnerability, what he preceives deep down as his weakness. He took you back, he loves you more than his own pride. Now you may think, how silly, but this affair has hit his self esteem hard, just as it has hit yours.<P>So you are awkward with each other because you know how fragil the other is, but you are also aware of your own weaknesses, a bit ashamed of them. Neither of you think it is your right to take charge of things when you talk.<P>Normally, this is true when couples first meet. They don't know the other one very well, and don't really want to offend, hurt, or turn off the other one. After awhile this ackwardness goes away.<P>I suspect you two, feel somewhat like new couple not sure of where they stand with the other. Further, you both are a little low on self esteem, making conversations awkward, because normally one person or the other leads a conversation and the other goes for the ride.<P>I hope this makes some sense, they are just my feelings from your posts here.<P>As for the time, is his decision to work more hours so you can spend more time with the children? A reasonable choice, if that is the case, but maybe not best for your situation. You two need to talk about this. <P>He wants to make you happy and feels by making sacrifices for you, you will finally love and appreciate him. Men tend to think that way as they often feel that their W's don't want them around too much. Further, he may fear you will meet another man at work, because he is not very confident of your love for him.<P>You two need to talk, and spend as much time as you can together. But you also need to raise children, and recover your marriage. Makes time tough to come by, so discuss time management with respect to you two being together.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>