It's Me Missy9 !!!(You must be sick of me by now)<P>Questions for you? As I was driving home tonight I was thinking about you and wishing I could be in your situation. I can see the happiness and strength in your words. I hang onto all your post and reread them all the time. I know everything you write about makes so much sense but somehow it is just not registering with me totally. Or should I say I feel you are like one in a million. <P>Its like winning the lottery. The chance of a marriage surviving something like infidelity and becomming even stronger usually is just something you read about. <P>Then I got to thinking even more and what I think would help me tremendously is if you could convince your husband to sign on here to give us all an idea of what he was going thru???? That way we can all be that more educated on what goes on in the mind of a WS?<P>So what do you think??? Will Robert help us????<P><BR>If he feels funny then please dont push him. Just let him know that he would be helping so many of us understand what he was thinking and feeling while he was away from you. <P>Your situation is so similiar to mine and your h seems alot like my h so perhaps Robert is the one who could help me most. <P>Please Robert Please<P>Everyone else, what do you think??? We can all start a chant. Please Robert Please

I think about your situation also...even though some aspects of mine are different!! <P>Would you say that Robert "changed" a lot in his personality during the A??? (other than the obvious)<BR>Also, did he have that drugged look or possessed look or as someone else callsit the deer in the headlights look???<P>It is so apparent in my H. Sorry to butt in!!! <p>[This message has been edited by tootrusting (edited July 03, 2000).]

Hi, Honey! I don't know, but I WILL ask! <P>I share posts with him, stories of my friends, some of which he's met now, so that's pretty cool!<P>He knows about everyone here, pretty much. Knows pretty much what I say. Knows DEFINITELY how I feel. I asked him to join in the beginning and he wasn't keen on the idea. He won't actually get on and READ the site, but he'll read what I print and I read stuff out to him sometimes.<P>I think he's gonna be nervous. There are things that he may not want to talk about on a public forum. Maybe if you gave me some idea, some specific questions you would like to ask, I'd have a bit more to give him so he'd have SOME idea what he's in for!!<P>This forum is terrific. And I know we have our share of WS's that I'm VERY proud of for coming here. It always seems to be a bit different for the recovering WS......ever notice not too many show up?..a few, who found us BEFORE their spouse did, but not many join afterwards. I think I understand.<P>Anyway, I'll ask when he gets out of the shower (that's why I'm on!) and maybe you can give him SOME idea as to how he can help. How's that?<P>I know what you mean....I clung to those who had "been there" and returned when I joined this board.<P>Luv ya!<P>(Glad to hear I'm not plucking your nerves TOO badly!! )<P>Lori

Ok, I got a "conditional" yes. <P>He has some reservations. (nervous as all get-out actually! I guess the thought of all of us CAN be intimidating) There are things, he says, he has dealt with and put away (guys are so very good at that - at least HE has always been!) and isn't too crazy about bringing them to the surface again.<P>He's worried about me. I've been pretty stable and he's concerned that going through his feelings and thoughts again would pull all that stuff up and in my face again....and, truth be told....in his face as well.<P>He's not much of a typist (ok, not ANY of a typist) so I'd have to type as he dictates. Not a problem. But he does want to help - just doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize OUR recovery at this point.<P>Did any of that make sense? Actually, the conversation wasn't as blunt as it sounds, he was concerned and took your request very seriously, nervous of the outcome whether he said yes or no.<P>So....since he's not one (like his WIFE ) to run on about his feelings, just ask away and he'll try to answer whatever questions he's comfortable with - how's that?<P>Ok, gotta run. Happy fourth!<P>Luv ya!<P>Lori

Missy9 and TooTrusting,<P>Yes, it can be good again and even better than before. I think that once you go through something like infidelity you really learn to prioritize (sp?) We are so much better at talking about our feelings now good and bad. It's been a year now this month since I discovered what was all going on. It has been hard because alot of things are triggering bad memories and feelings and I have been more insecure again but Jeff has been really good about helping me through this as I have been working with him and all of the guilt he feels.<P>I know that deer in the headlight look all to well. It is nothing but confusion. It is like they become posseseed or something. <BR>As for Jeff he did change with the plan A. First he tried to sabatoge it I think. The more he tried to get me to hate him the more loving and understanding I became. Pretty soon he started to relize what he was doing and started asking to come home. What I though was really sweet was he dedicated the song " I get to come home to you" for me on the radio when he knew I would be listening. <BR>He also has dedicated the song" MY best friend" to me. These are things he had never done before. Sorry for the rambling but I just want you guys to relize that even though it really looks bleack right now it will get better. Just keep plan Aing for awhile. Let them know just how much they are loved at home. <P>Have a Great Holiday!<BR>JIll<P>ps Hey Lostva!

Lori,<BR>If you think in any way this will bother you please don't do it. After all you have been through,you deserve nothing but happiness. I would not want this to bring up any painful memories.<P>But, if you think you can handle it, I have come up with a list of questions, for you to ask that wonderful h of yours. (Thanks Robert). Just like the game 20 questions!!!<P>1) My h is being so mean to me and getting mad at the littlest things, is this normal behavior for someone to help them justify what they have done?<P>2) Did Robert think about you while he was gone or was he so wrapped up in his feeling for this OW that it just blocked all feeling he had for you? At what point did he begin to think about you?<P>3) Did he feel in his mind that he needed to make you out to be this awful person?<P>4) How did he feel going out in public when everyone knows what went on?<P>5) Did he miss the closeness of family and friends?<P>6) My h will spend time with the kids but not much. He always puts OW in front of them. Even when he has them for an overnight, he will drop the kids off at a relatives and then go back home to OW. Is this normal?<P>7) When did he start to feel the excitement wear off with OW?<P>8) How Did Lori's plan A have an effect on him? I have tried so hard in the past to be so nice to my h and that is when he gets so mean so I have stopped. We don't even speak at this point.<P>9) Can he describe the guilt feeling he had if in fact he did have any?<P>10) Was he certain that Lori would take him back after everything that has happened?<P>11) Did his life with the OW seem happier than the life he had with lori?<P>12) What prompted him to begin this affair<P>13) As a man, if a woman is being extremely sexual and coming on to you at work day after day could this draw you into wanting to get close to this other person even if you were very happily married?<P>14) Was this OW a needy person? If so didn't her behavior drive you crazy?<P>15) What was it that finally made you realize that your marriage was what you wanted and that you were going to fight for it?<P>16) Did you feel that you became a different person during this affair? If so how?<P>17) When things moved so fast in your affair, didn't that scare you?<P>18) Did you believe with all your heart that what you were doing was so right? Did you ever have doubt?<P>19) Was it tough going from one home to another with a different person to adjust to? Or did OW do everything to please you?<P>20) NO more questions, give Lori a big kiss and a big hug and know that you both have been such a source of inspiration and hope to many of us out here who are so lost at the present time. XOXOXXOXOXOXOXOOO<P>Thanks GUYS!!!

I lied, I have 2 more questions!<P>1) Did Robert ever feel like he had to put up a big front and pretend to be happy with his other life?<P>2) Was the ow pressuring him to stay away from you? What was she like to live with? Did she cater to his every wish??

Dear Robert and Lori,<P>Thank you for helping us understand better what goes on in the heart and mind of someone who is experiencing this life's struggle.<P>If okay, I have a couple of questions to add:<P>1. During the time of seperation, did Robert have dreams regarding his struggle depicting the delima going on in his heart? If so, did they influence his decisions to any degree?<P>2. If Robert could offer advice to the Betrayed with respect to our side of the sruggle, what would he say to us?<P>3. If Lori was to have ignored and not allowed any contact from Robert during the seperation, would Robert still have felt Home (Lori) was a safe place to return to?<P>Thanks in advance, Robert and Lori, for helping us. And thank you to Missy for allowing me to crash her thread.<P>Prayers for all of us!<P>Jo

Just one question from me.....<P>Robert, would you come up and kick my H's butt for me?<P>Thank you darlin'!!!!! (tee-hee!!)<P>Big Hugs and love you both,<P>Sheba

YO Sheba Girl,<P>Why don't you call upon Butterfly for a Fryn' Pan swat or two.<P>Sure she'd be happy to offer her services on W.O.D. and maybe even my misbehavin H also.<P>Jo

Hi Resilient -<P>LOLOL!!!<P>Honey, I have used Butterfly's Frying Pan as well as my own service of 2x4ing Whack-A-Doodles on him for over a year.<P>Neither faze him....I think he likes it!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>

Hi, guys!<P>Ok, we talked a bit more about the whole thing. Actually brought up some discussions b/n the two of us that turned out to be terrific! <P>We've got a little homeowner's crisis happening this week, so time's a bit short. He asked if you guys would mind if he took some time to answer you. Maybe a question a day if he has the time, or maybe not until the weekend when he can give everything some thought. I told him I was sure it would be ok.<P>Now, Sheba - I actually TOLD him about the PI!!!!!! Wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do that. He LAUGHED!! Also told him a little bit about how PT got her name....not what it STANDS for yet!! LOL But how the thread got started, etc and she was "renamed" from Sweetie Pie!! He thought Sweetie was pretty funny! Maybe one day soon I can share that thread with him.<P>I'll start a separate thread with the questions when we get the time, ok?<P>Love you all,<P>Lori

Hi guys,<P>sorry to crash here. <BR>I have no questions to add, everyone else has asked EXACTLY what I would love to know and understand. So if you all don't mind, I'll just read what gets written, and try to understand what happened to me and my life.<P>Thanks Lori, just for being you. I'm so glad Robert realised too. Big hugs to you both.<P>and thanks so much for doing this. I can imagine how hard it must be, to rehash everything so soon. Hopefully, it will speed up the recovery for you both, although the way you guys are going, you could qualify for the MB Grand Prix........<P>love and hugs to you all<P>Jo