Today, did not start off very well. I guess you could say I committed the biggest LB of all time. This morning, I told H that I had something to tell him. He angrily replied, "I don't want to talk to you", then stormed out of the room. Minutes later, he was back, and said, "What?" rather disgustedly.<P>I very calmly said, "Two's company, & three's a crowd. I've decided to gracefully bow out. Now your problem is solved". He looked shocked. I think his first words were, "I don't want you to solve my problem", then "What about for better & for worse, in sickness...." Then he started to cry. He hugged me and kissed me. He told me he loves me. Then he said he shoulders all the blame for getting us to this point. He said he doesn't blame me and would do the same thing if he were in my shoes. That I have every right to be happy. To have someone who can be trusted.<P>He sat down at the PC & logged on. Then I saw him poring over the No Contact letters I had printed off from MB & had left sitting on the desk. He said nothing, then got up and rode the lawn mower for an hour. It is one of his favorite, mindless obsessions.<P>I must say, I think I reached the lowest point today since this drama began to unfold nearly a year ago. I could not see the teeniest, tiniest ray of hope. Nothing, but an endless sea of despair.<P>Well, this afternoon, I logged on to the mentalhealth.com site & was reading about major depressive disorder. He definitely has most of the symptoms of a major depression, & maybe even bipolar--- with the affair being a symptom of the manic state. I began to read a woman's personal account of her depression, & I found my little ray of hope. She said that after receiving both medication & psychotherapy, she finally began to get better, "AND EVEN WAS ABLE TO END SOME RELATIONSHIPS THAT WERE CAUSING STRIFE".<P>So, dear friends, I am once again in the game. I have decided to struggle on, and see what the psychiatrist can do for H. I have to admit, that it nearly broke my heart to see him cry. I'm such a marshmallow!!!!<P>Here is the mentalhealth website, if anyone is interested in checking it out.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.mentalhealth.com/fr20.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.mentalhealth.com/fr20.html</A>

Funny how just when we are at the end of our rope, something happens to give us hope again. I believe the encouragement means you are on the right path. Best of luck to you!

Sidney,<BR>Being consistantly on anti-depressants has helped my husband a great deal. It's a little scary to realize that seemingly one pill a day stands between me and a divorce...<P>And, at times, even now, he really doesn't want to take them, he'd rather handle things/emotions on his own, but I've been able to tell within 4 days that he has stopped taking them.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Sidney<P>I too told H that I would gracefully bow out. Kinda a mini pre plan B. <P>My H reaction was similar. He didn't want me bowing out in any way shape or form. Hearing those words might be a wake up call for betrayers.<P>And now my H is home with me and all mine. <P>Hang in there, hon.<P>Hopefully the best is yet to come for you, too. <P>FC<BR>

Hi Sidney,<BR> Anti-dep made the difference between night and day for my H.He was sooo amazed at how much better he felt and how quickly. I credit the meds for having a big effect on the speed of our recovery and the goodness of God, of course.My H refused to admit depression for a few years before he tried the meds. Now he is a big support for other men he knows who have been depressed and have trouble admitting it.He's encouraged several guys at work to get help. <P>My H is happier now than I've ever seen him. It is so wonderful to see his contentness. Run,don't walk to the psychiatrist. His tears are his cry for help.He's seeing now that he's going to lose you for good if he doesn't get help.Be the one to help him Sidney.<P>

Hi Popeye,<P>I know what you mean. So much of the pain is the constant inner turmoil-- dealing with the little voice inside which says, "why are you doing this? why do you keep getting back in the ring only to get beaten up again?" You begin to hate yourself for tolerating it. Then, something happens which gives you the strength to continue on with the struggle. I like to believe it is a higher power providing some guidance.<P>Hi Lor,<P>Thanks, so much. It's good to hear that others have made it through with the help of medication. He has been on Paxil for a little over a month now. And, there has been some improvement, although not enough for him to have the "strength" to break the connection with OW. I read something interesting yesterday which said that most GPs will underprescribe the dosage on anti-deps in an effort to lessen any side effects. What happens is that the patient gets frustrated because the medication isn't working, so they stop taking it. This website said that Paxil should be administered in 20mg/day dosages. I checked H's prescription & sure enough, our GP had prescribed 10mg once/day!<P>Hi FC,<P>Thanks for sharing. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going insane too! I think I did it because I wanted to see how he would react, and I had really reached the end of my rope. I was fully prepared for him to say, "okay, let's end it". I know now that it's his illness that's hurting me, not him.<P>Hi Mthrrhbard,<P>How very encouraging! This morning H made an appointment with a psychiatrist for the 26th of this month. This is my last hope.

Hi Sidney,<P>I did end it, just like you, and my H watched me fly out of the state. Just let me go.<P>He has now moved here too, and says he is trying to get back into my life. Not too sure what that means, as when questioned, he says "I don't know".<P>I wish he would see someone, and I definitly think he needs to take anti-deps. He will not hear of it. <BR>Just lately he has admitted that he needs to see a professional to help him sort through what is in his head (I fear not much!!!) but will not discuss meds.<BR>While he has this attitude of "I can do this on my own" I just don't want to know. <BR>Everyone, everyone has tried to help him, but he will not take any hand that is offered to him. I guess it is a start that HE acknowledges that he wants to see a professional.<P>I'm so glad about the way your situation ended up. Your H obviously does not want you to leave, or he would let you go. He wouldn't be able to wait for you to go. I know that from bitter experience. Hang on, and keep on loving him. He is trying. And sounds like he is trying so hard. You've got to keep digging in your boots girl, and finding that strength to go on loving him. He is calling out for you, and you are there. That's half the battle won in my book.<P>big big hugs to you, and well done. I'm proud of you<P>Jo

Sidney,<BR>you go girl! i was just in similar circumstances. we hit rock bottom almost 2 wks ago, and even though we made it thru, my H suggested i take the kids w/me to my parents for a couple of weeks to figure out if i really wanted to stay w/him after all he's done to me. at first i didn't want to, but the more i thought about it, the more i agreed. and for the first time during all of this, i knew that no matter what happened, i was ready to get on with my life with or without him. he knew he would be out of town for several days the following weekend and suggested that i move then. we were both in agreement on this. however, as time got closer, and me with my new attitude, he started getting really depressed and let me know he really wanted me to stay. he seemed very remorseful for a change too. i just kept pretending i was fine with it! i even told him i was starting to distance myself from him in order to make the move easier. anyway, when he was out of town, i spoke to the ow & she said that they never stopped seeing each other and she was w/him the day before he went out of town. so i confronted my h over the phone w/this new info. yes, it was horrible finding out that the affair had continued the past 3 months when he kept telling me it was over, but for the first time since this nightmare began, he's telling me the truth. he's answered every question i've thrown at him, which he has not done in the past. he is no longer hostile towards me. he's willing to go to counseling and do whatever i want to do to make this work. he says he'll do whatever it takes to prove to me that he loves only me and that he will never be unfaithful to me again. we're still facing a long road ahead of us, but i know that i'm the one he wants to travel that road with. things have gotten so much better, and i feel like i'm the one in control so hang in there. it's one thing to talk about leaving, and quite another thing to do it. fortunately, i didn't have to follow thru w/it. now he is focused on me and trying to make me happy! and the ow still works where he does, but i told her under no uncertain terms that if she tried to contact my h in any way, that i'd have her job! so far it has worked! but i figure at some point she'll contact him. my h & i have talked about diff't scenarios she may come up with to start a conversation, and we've talked about the best way for him to react. it has been wonderful and we've even talked about making it thru all this and renewing our wedding vows in our church! so hang in there - this could be a huge turning point. this could be where your h finally comes out of the fog!

Hi Jo,<P>I read your post on Thursday, but just now got a chance to reply. Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. They truly mean so much to me. You are absolutely right. H really IS trying. He knows something is terribly wrong with him, & he is finally taking responsibility for getting some help. I realize that it was hard for him to come back and face me (& my family and our friends who know). His pattern throughout life has been to run from his problems. He told me that he came back because he realized he can't run anymore. And, contrary to what OW tried to brainwash him with, he found that once separated from me, the problem wasn't ME. I was quite apprehensive about suggesting the psychiatrist. I figured he would be defensive, and he was. But after awhile, when he wasn't feeling any better, he asked me for the names & numbers of the doctors. Then, he asked ME to make the appointment. I tried to on the 3rd, but they were out of the office for the holiday. So, I left a message and they called back on the 5th while I was at work & spoke to H. He actually made the appointment, which I think is better. I've been trying to encourage him to take more responsibility for his life.<P>The fact that your H has expressed an interest in seeing someone, is a VERY positive sign, Jo! That's the first step to recovery. What I found is that you can't push-- if you do, they become very resistent. All you can do is make suggestions and lay the help at their feet. THEY have to be the ones to reach out.<P>Hi CAC,<P>I'm so happy for you! That's wonderful. I really think that my H wants to end it with OW. But, it's very difficult for him in his present state of mind, along with her being so aggressive and persistent. When she mailed the cellphone back to him, he didn't do a very good job of hiding it. He said he knew I'd find it. And, even though he denied it, I really think deep down he wanted me to find it and dispose of it. When I told him I had chucked it into our pond, he didn't bat an eye. Actually looked amused. At one point, he told me that "he's not strong enough" to resist her. At first I thought he was just feeding me a line. But, now I'm not so sure. You're right in that this could be a big turning point. I think he finally realized that I'm very near the end of my rope. And how very close he is to losing me forever.<P>Seventeen days until his appointment. I hope I can last that long. <P>