I hope someone out there can help me. I don’t think my husband cares for me anymore. I don’t know whether this is a temporary thing, or if he’s fallen out of love with me. He's being very polite but there’s no physical or emotional connection anymore. If we pass in the hall he will pull back so that we don’t physically touch. He stays up much later than I do so that I’m always asleep by the time he comes to bed. It doesn’t matter how late I stay awake, he can outlast me. Sometimes I’ll reach out to him in my sleep or roll against him and he’ll move so that we’re not touching. If I put my arm or hand on him, he’ll move it away. We’ve always been very physical and affectionate in the past (holding hands, calling on the phone, etc.) It’s been months without a single physical touch or personal comment. Nowhe’ll only talk about trival stuff – its as personal as reading the newspaper. <P>We’re going on a trip in two weeks, and I don’t know how to act while we’re together. We’ll be in small hotel rooms for 2 weeks with our son. We were on another trip 2 weeks ago, and by the end of it I was almost in tears. I had (naively, I guess) hoped that the time together would bring us closer, but it didn’t and I was really disappointed. I tried everything I could think of – I had my hair done, dieted for weeks, bought new clothes, arranged to be alone for much of the time, made sure I was current on all his interests, treated every dinner as a “date”, but nothing worked. He was very polite and kind, but I felt like I was being treated as a client or an acquaintance that you want to make a good impression on but don’t really care about. <P>Just to muddle the waters, I’ve gotten to know a man at work who makes it known that he is attracted to me. Since our trip, I find myself starting to seek him out – which is stupid because I really don’t find him attractive and its really my husband I want to be with. But I like the way I feel around him - I feel pretty and desirable. Around my husband I feel ugly and awkward and humiliated.<P>Any advice??<BR>

SALP,<BR>Have you discussed this change in his behavior with him? If not, you need to do this so that you can at least try to understand what is going on. Do you think he is having an affair? Hang around there are a lot of people who will try to help you figure this out.<BR>Tess

Sounds like you need help one way or the other. I would out and out ask him what's up and what do you need to do to make things better. I would phrase it in a way that he wouldn't find hard to deal with,(i.e. "Hey, what have I done that you don't wish to touch me anymore? Don't you know I need your presence in my life?") I would ask him if you could get counseling together or something to make life easier on both of you. Do read Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" and the other suggested reading on this board. Also know that there are people here who understand and are available to rant and rave at if needed. <BR>God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Hi Tess. <P>I have tried talking to him about it, but he is very good at avoiding any deep issue. It's always the wrong time and he finds numerous excuses and things to do. If I force the issue, he gets exasperated and says he doesn't want to discuss it now. I've tried agreeing to talk at a set time, but we always seem to get into an argument before our time to talk (I can never figure out what the argument is about). <P>We talked just after xmas when I first started noticing his behaviour. I asked him to do a couple of things, things I needed him to do to feel good about our relationship: to wear his wedding ring again (he wasn't wearing it), to start coming to bed with me (I bought an extra tv so he could watch in bed), and to stop yelling when he gets mad. He's stopped yelling and makes an obvious effort to keep things pleasant, but I watch tv in bed alone (if I go downstairs to watch with him, he moves upstairs, and vice versa) and his wedding ring is still in the jewellry box.<P>I don't know if he's having an affair, I suspect not a physical one anyway. He is not a "player" and I really believe that if he were in love with someone else he wouldn't look twice at me or anyone else. The trouble is, he DOESN'T look twice at me anymore. He used to be very affectionate, but that has changed completely. <P>Do men ever fall in love with someone without becoming physical? What are the signs? and what can I do about it if it is true?<BR>

I understand your attraction to this other guy. Who doesn't want to feel attractive and wanted? But he is not the answer. Please don't complicate your situation by bringing another guy into the picture. You would only be using him to soothe your ego. He doesn't deserve that. Your H doesn't deserve that, and neither do you!<P>If you are brave, you could use this as an introduction to a conversation with your H. Can you say, "Honey, I am having these feeling for this guy. I think it's because I don't feel attractive around you anymore and I really miss the way we used to touch. I don't want to feel this way because I love YOU. I want to be close to YOU. Can you help me understand this? What happened to us?" That way, you are taking the blame and it's your problem. I don't necessarily think that it *is* your problem, but it might make things less threatening if you framed it that way. If you are not in counseling, it could also be a way of introducing the possibility of going.