I tried to have a conversation with my H in regards to our relationship and marriage. I told him that I am willing to forgive his betrayal and move on with our marriage. His question to me is how can it ever be the same after everything that has happened? Is this normal behavior for the WS to eleviate the guilt he feels. It is like an excuse not to work on the marriage because he wants me to say it will never be the same. I told him no it won't be the "same" but I am willing to forgive and learn from our mistakes and work towards a better marriage. He just thinks that too much has happened even though the only thing he admits to with the OW is being "friends". Funny how he has done all of these things but they are just friends.<P>He is also throwing at me that if we divorce he will just give in to whatever I want he doesn't want to pay the lawyers, have a bitter battle and most of all he said if we went to court I would bring up all the things that he has done that I have all the evidence as I call it. He said he would never tell all the bad things I did to him. (pushed him away, screamed yelled went off the wall etc) because he wouldn't want anyone to know what a nut I was. Did he ever think the reason I was a nut is because that is what happens when you live with an alcoholic and a WS. Besides everyone knows my behavior and realizes I acted that way because of his actions. <P>Are all of these tactics just to keep him from feeling any guilt and remorse for his affair? Is this so his conscience is clear seeing he pushes the blame and guilt to me and my nutty behavior. He even said that the only reason I have stayed this long is because I want the house. If we lived in an apartment and didn't have any material things I would have been long gone. I said that was not true that I have stayed because I love him and want to work out our problems and marriage. He said he doesn't believe that is all true. Is this just his "wet" brain talking?

Sounds like that or his guilty concience saying things. I think he's got a very low self esteem and that's something I've heard alot of betraying spouses have.<BR>Just keep saying the truth and sticking by it~don't let his concience get you down. I would tell him that you can't tell him what to believe but that he could believe in you if he just wanted to. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bc:<BR><B>Did he ever think the reason I was a nut is because that is what happens when you live with an alcoholic and a WS. Besides everyone knows my behavior and realizes I acted that way because of his actions. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>bc, I've followed your story and know what a rough time you're going through with your H's drinking and OW. You're in such a struggle and I feel for you. <P>I've been a little shy about posting my own topics so you probably don't know my story. My H is so bizarre in so many ways that it's hard to describe our marriage. In a nutshell, he's artist and I "just don't understand him." Darn tootin' I don't understand!!! <P>I think I might be able to share something that may be of help (I hope). There's no alcoholism or affairs (or intimacy) in my situation. But I think that a few months ago I may have been feeling just as hurt as you feel now. I felt like a tornado could sweep me away tomorrow and he cares so little about me that he wouldn't even miss me. I'm telling you this because I too feel like H blames me for all our problems and nothing is ever his fault. Meanwhile, I was busy blaming him for being distant, insensitive to my needs (or should I say the thought of me having needs seems to never enter his mind), unreliable, selfish, on and on. I was miserable and I blamed it all on him. <P>Well, I decided to stop blaming him (our biggest problems are financial). We're a disaster right now financially, but I've decided to stop blaming him for our problems. It's up to me to solve them. Is that fair? Not! But I can tell you this... I've experienced a major attitude adjustment since making this decision. I have my positive attitude back. It's amazing. Now if I can just keep the bill collectors at bay until I manage to pull in my 80% of the income our household needs. <sigh> <P>I encourage you to muster up whatever positive thoughts you can and hold onto them. It's going to be YOU who gets you through this. You have people at this forum to help you. Keep on trying bc! <BR>

Hi BC -<P>Happy 4th!!!!<P>This is a very good example of why we all say that you have to start doing things within your own control (behaviors, attitude, etc.) to show some hope!!!! To show some light at the end of his dark tunnel......<P>He does believe what he says.....YOU have to believe differently and then show HIM that it won't be as he thinks.<P>Talking is not going to do it!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

I have been trying to show him and not by talking. He says that I am not social enough so this weekend I went to the races with a friend and then wanted to go out afterwards but my H told me I couldn't go where he was going because the OW would be there and he didn't want me to start something. So I didn't go and went to a different bar where my friends were and the OW was there. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say or do anything.<P>I also was never one to wear makeup. Well on Saturday I bought some eyeshawdow etc and when my H got home from work that is the first thing he noticed. He said "you're wearing makeup?" I said well seeing I have gotten contacts I thought wearing makeup might be nice. <P>Then he was off Monday and I had to work. I said I might get off early and didn't. He called me at work and was wondering if I was getting off early or not. Checking up on me????????<P>Yesterday, we cleaned around the house. Funny seeing he never had enough time. I was on the computer and he asked what I was looking for well he read over my shoulder (I was looking at apartments) not that I plan on doing anything right away but I don't know what the future holds. That is when he said how could it ever be the same etc. etc.<P>He then went to visit the neighbor and then didn't come home. He finally got home at 12:30. I didn't say a thing or ask where he had been. He said hello like it was 9 at night and asked me if I was sleeping. I said hello and yes I was sleeping. He then came into bed. That is what I can't understand. He still comes in and sleeps in the same bed sometimes even though all of his stuff is in the spare bedroom (which does have a bed). He said yesterday that he probably shouldn't sleep in my bedroom because it gives me hope and he just doesn't feel the same way as he once did. He says he doesn't hate me. Well isn't that a kind thing to say. I wouldn't think he would hate me I haven't done anything so horrible to him that he should hate me.<P>There is also this guy at work that I have been talking about. Not that anything is going on. But this person has come up with some nicknames etc. and I have said something to my H about it. He also complemented me on my good looks and I dropped that by my H too. Maybe he doesn't like the fact that someone else finds me attractive. <P>I am trying to tell myself that most of this behavior and beliefs is due to the alcohol. Yesterday he had had about 5 or 6 beers when he said all of the things about not being the same etc. This is his way of feeling in control. But the book I just finished reading says that alcoholics need their spouse more than the spouse needs them even though the spouse may not see it that way. It said that it is very hard to get rid of an alcoholic. Not that I am trying to push him away. I am beginning to think the OW is borderline alcoholic too. A match made in heaven ready to blow sky high. But it has been almost a year. When does reality set in. But of course they haven't been spending 24 hours a day seven days a week with each other so maybe reality takes longer. <P>I find it very funny that my H actually told me I couldn't go to the one bar because the OW would most likely be there and he knew that I "wanted a piece of her". They made their own bed so why should I do as he says to make his life easier. Maybe she should feel bad because he is with his wife. He was only protecting himself and her feelings. Well it back fired when she wasn't at that bar and actually was at the bar I went to. Next time maybe I will just do as I please. It is a free world and like I said they made their bed and now they have to put up with the consequences of their behavior.