After having my husband draw away from me again last night, this morning I asked him if he still loved me. I guess I should have read the responses to my first post before I did anything. He got very angry and asked “I have to leave for work in a few minutes and you ask me a question like that? What’s the matter with you?” and stomped down the stairs. I had moved against him during the night and had my arm draped over him. In the early morning, he removed my arm and went into the bathroom to masterbate. This is what he’s been doing for months and I just don’t understand it. Why is he doing this? Is he fantasizing about someone else? Does he find me so terribly repulsive? Why would he reject me in favour of solitary sex? I may not be Claudia Shiffer, but I’m usually described as being attractive and well groomed. Are there any men out there that could shed some light on his behaviour?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Are there any men out there that could shed some light on his behaviour?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm a guy. He's one sick puppy and needs help. He's jacking off in the bathroom so he *won't* have sex with you to punish you for something (or to keep a vow to another woman). <P>You need to make some serious move here; perhaps more than therapy - a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist...<P>

sayalittleprayer,<BR>you know I went/am going through something similar. Supposedly my H never had a PA with the OW, however, when he took up with her he stopped being physical with me. It's been 10 months now and supposedly the affair is over as of March of this year. He says he has no interest in sex. I noticed that there is no tent in the morning, if you get my drift so I don't know if it is me, her or him. I would love for a man to shed some light on this. My H has been more affectionate as of the past two weeks meaning he actually will touch me. This coming from a man, who always held my hand, gave me hugs at a moments notice who showered me with kisses and kind words, to a man who if I get a quick kiss I think I should hold on to this forever. You know he doesn't even care about my need for physical connection. Basically, he isn't interested so that's it. sad. Guys any words of wisdom or advice?<BR>

What is the deal with men, affairs, and sex? My H wasn't interested in sex either after the A. I just never gave up on initiating things and now I seem to even be on the receiving end sometimes. It's been two months since D-day. My H told me that guilt is a powerful thing and he didn't want sex with anyone after the A. I don't know was taking care of himself during this time or not. Probably. <P>Have you asked him why he is doing this? Is it fear that you might get pregnant? Is it guilt? Is it a worry about STD's? Is it a concern for waking you up? It could be a number of things. I don't think I would jump to any conclusions. I do think that counseling would help you tremendously. This is obviously an issue that you two need to talk about.<P>Good luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lapeine:<BR><B>What is the deal with men, affairs, and sex? My H wasn't interested in sex either after the A. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, during the withdrawal phase, depression kills a guy's sex drive. I know during the breakup of a relationship prior to my marriage, I was amazed at how I lost all interest in sex for 3-4 months. Like, zero. And there wasn't even guilt there, just depression.<P>Now, I don't know that any of this applies to SALP, or whether there has been an affair there or depression. It should be noted that anti-deps, as recommended at the end of this excerpt, can have a side effect of a lower sex drive. <P>Here is an excerpt from a Harley article about withdrawal.<P>======================<BR>As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love. <P>But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing. <P>Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love. <P>Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. <P>

My husband was the same, always very affectionate and demonstrative. But he has changed so dramatically. As I said in my first post, if we are pass in the hallway, he will physically draw back so that he won't touch me. Last week I had nightmares and woke him up. Usually he would have been very comforting, but this time he just snarled that I had disturbed his sleep and for me to get up and get a drink of water. It has been 5 months since we've had sex. <P>I feel ugly and unwanted, and humiliated. How much sex appeal can I have if his hand is looking better? Is he disgusted by me? Does he look at my body and compare it to someone else's?<P>Is there any way I can address this in a sensitive manner? I know he would be mortified if he found out that I know about his activities. I don't want to embarrass him or humiliate him, I just want to know why he's doing this. And what I can do (or stop doing) to make him want me again. I have been reading at the library, and searching the web for some answers, but I suspect that the answers really lie within my husband - and he definitely doesn't want to give them out. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sayalittleprayer:<BR><B>But he has changed so dramatically </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I would definitely not bring up the masturbation. It is a side effect, not the problem.<P>Hey, and how do W's know if you do it in the bathroom? <P>How long have you been married?<P>Could he be having an affair?<P>Did anything happen around the time he withdrew sexually? There have been some interesting cases here of spouses withdrawing to sulk over slights that the other party didn't even realize had happened.<P>Are there outside reasons for him being depressed? Job trouble?<P>Have you asked him about the sex problem? Why not sit him down (or write him if you really CAN'T do it face to face), and tell him you have been very sad at the lack of physical love lately, that it is something you need....did you do something wrong? <P><BR>

I would be very suspicious that there is some kind of affair going on here.His behavior is classic behavior for a wayward spouse.Many men masturbate and still have an active sexual relationship with their wives.That he wants to pleasure himself to the exclusion of you is a big red flag.Read all you can here, and then have a long heart to heart with your H. Good luck.

We've been married for almost 15 years. Our anniversary will be during our upcoming trip. It'll be very difficult for me if nothing changes - 2 weeks in a small hotel room, doing the "happy family" thing in public and then it gets turned off as soon as the door closes. As I said earlier, the last trip was brutal. On the way home, I let out that I was disappointed. <P>About how I know what he's doing - well, without getting too graphic, there are those physical signs to that area that usually accompany recent activities, if you get my meaning. (I'd stick in an embarrassed face here but I don't know how!<g> )<P>I'm also hurt that he couldn't answer my question this morning. He claimed that he was in a hurry to get to work, but in reality he was ahead of schedule. Besides, how long does it take to say "yes"? If he said "yes I do - look, something must be bothering you to ask, but I don't have time now, can we talk tonight?" I would have felt so much better. Instead I feel like he used aggression as a coverup for his panic and managed to get away from a situation he's not comfortable in. Why was he acting so threatened? <P>I don't think talking is going to work - he will find some excuse as to why we can't have a discussion - too early, too late, kids around, kids asleep - mustn't wake them, time to walk the dog, tired after walking the dog, … And, I suspect he would turn anything I said into an attack and have the perfect excuse to walk out. I could write him a letter but I risk him simply discarding it as soon as he realizes the content. I could tell him about my male friend and explain that I am feeling vulnerable because I feel good about myself around my friend and I feel unwanted and homely around my husband. I'm afraid that he might actually be pleased - maybe that's what he's hoping for. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sayalittleprayer:<BR><B> I could tell him about my male friend and explain that I am feeling vulnerable because I feel good about myself around my friend and I feel unwanted and homely around my husband. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Male friend? Are you having a physical or emotional affair?<P>If not, could it be that your H saw something (a phone bill, etc) and has decided that you are? That would explain his anger.<P>I think you have to buck up and communicate with him somehow. As Karenna says, you get what you tolerate in marriage.<P>I may be guessing here, but a lot of men withdraw and sulk when there is something they WANT to talk about. <P>If he gets angry about you asking why suddenly no sex in 5 months, well, that's too bad. You have the right.<P>Maybe counseling would bring it out if he won't go one-on-one with you. Have you ever suggested that?<P>Also, what about my question about job stress or depression? That could cause some of this.<BR>

Thanks everyone for your responses. <P>I've copied part of my 1st post (I hope this works). To MikeC2: no, no physical or emotional affair on my part but I'm feeling really low and lately I find myself talking to this man just because he makes me feel good about myself. It's been sooo long since I've felt desirable around my husband (it would mean so much more if it came from him). I've decided to keep my distance, but it hurts so much to feel so unwanted. <P>I suggested counselling months ago when I first noticed his behaviour, but he is adamantly opposed. First it was the money, but when I pointed out that my work benefits cover this type of help, he quickly found another reason. <P>*** one other thing *** (I figured out how to edit) he claims that his job has never been better, he has never felt healthier, has tons of energy, etc.<P>Should I approach this before our trip or hope being together for the trip will help resolve it? If he is angry or totally negative, it will be h*ll to go away together for 2 weeks.<P>Anyhow here,s my original post ... <P>We’re going on a trip in two weeks, and I don’t know how to act while we’re together. We’ll be in small hotel rooms for 2 weeks with our son.<P>We were on another trip 2 weeks ago, and by the end of it I was almostin tears. I had (naively, I guess) hoped that the time together would bring us closer, but it didn’t and I was really disappointed. I tried everything I could think of – I had my hair done, dieted for weeks,<BR> bought new clothes, arranged to be alone for much of the time, made<BR> sure I was current on all his interests, treated every dinner as a “date”,<BR> but nothing worked. He was very polite and kind, but I felt like I was<BR> being treated as a client or an acquaintance that you want to make a<BR> good impression on but don’t really care about. <P> Just to muddle the waters, I’ve gotten to know a man at work who<BR> makes it known that he is attracted to me. Since our trip, I find myself<BR> starting to seek him out – which is stupid because I really don’t find him<BR> attractive and its really my husband I want to be with. But I like the way<BR> I feel around him - I feel pretty and desirable. Around my husband I feel<BR> ugly and awkward and hum<p>[This message has been edited by sayalittleprayer (edited July 05, 2000).]

I'm a guy, and I don't know what type of sexual relationship that you and your husband had or have, but for me my wife put condition on our sex life. She would tell me what she wasn't going to do or try, I would attempt to caress her and start some kind of foreplay and was stop,I would get denied often and she made sex so uncomfortable for me I started to resent her and started masturbating so I wouldn't bother her at all.<P>In our relationship, I was the one concern about the approach, the pillow talk afterwards and so on. I don't know if this <BR>your case or not.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sayalittleprayer:<BR><B>After having my husband draw away from me again last night, this morning I asked him if he still loved me. I guess I should have read the responses to my first post before I did anything. He got very angry and asked “I have to leave for work in a few minutes and you ask me a question like that? What’s the matter with you?” and stomped down the stairs. I had moved against him during the night and had my arm draped over him. In the early morning, he removed my arm and went into the bathroom to masterbate. This is what he’s been doing for months and I just don’t understand it. Why is he doing this? Is he fantasizing about someone else? Does he find me so terribly repulsive? Why would he reject me in favour of solitary sex? I may not be Claudia Shiffer, but I’m usually described as being attractive and well groomed. Are there any men out there that could shed some light on his behaviour?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>