My H's affair started this time last year and I am having a really hard time with the ghoulish "anniversary-ness" of it all. Thanks to my smooth detective work, I have all past phone records so I know he called her twelve times on such and such day etc. <P>We are also approaching anniversary days of the first times they had sex, oral sex, whatever. I feel worse than I have felt in a while. <P>AND... I think he dreamed about her last night. He was definitely having sex in his dream and it seemed different than when he is with me. He claims no memory of this (big surprise). It could be my paranoia, but I just can't help thinking that he is reliving those times with her in his mind,(double gross) since it is anniversary time. <P>He left for counseling this morning and I have been as cold as ice. I know this is counterproductive but, I really FEEL cold. I feel frozen inside. Any thoughts on how to get through this time?

Ug.....I wasn't even INTERESTED in most of those dates! I mean, I know they happened, but YUCK, I didn't NEED any more triggers. Bless your heart, I know this is so hard for you.<P>Could you talk to him? OK, here's the way I handled it. We just passed d-day. I told Robert that there were three "anni's" this year that I was really just not looking forward to. Even though we were doing really well, these days just made me uncomfortable. D-day, my b-day and the day he left us (the day AFTER my b-day). I asked him to help me turn them into something else!<P>See, I've been really big on "taking things back" since we began recovery. I love my little bonfires (thanks, Wassi ) and he even "shares" them with me sometimes. He probably thinks it's silly, but realizes it's something that I need so he indulges me! If I'd find out about somewhere that he took her, I'd ask him to take me! At first, the whole idea of taking me there would make HIM nervous too, but after the first few when we'd go, have a GREAT time, he sorta got into it as well! Took the sting out of those triggers and places for HIM, too! When a couple of MB people were coming to visit, Robert suggested the restaurant of their first date together. We MBer's took it back in grand style!! Had an absolute blast!<P>I thought that maybe the same thing would help for the anni dates. I didn't want him to sit and listen to me whine or cry on those days, I wanted to turn them into something else. He didn't really understand, but heck, seemed like a good idea to him. So, for this first one, we did. Usually our "date night" is Friday night, but last week we made an extra date for Wednesday night (d-day). Kristin stayed with a friend, we had a nice dinner, a very nice "after" dinner and laughed and had a great time. Sure, during the evening, little things popped up in my head, but I would make a joke about them and blow them off. It worked for us. Now last Wednesday is just a night we had a good time....even joking about the significance took the sting out of it for me.<P>In August, the other two dates, well, we've already made big plans. My b-day's on Friday and we're planning a weekend getaway for the two of us! Hopefully, it'll all work out financially. I'm really looking FORWARD to it! See what I mean, planning on something I can look forward to rather than dreading those days?<P>And, about his dream, Honey, it may or may not have been about you, OW, Bimbo down the street, the lady at the stoplight or Claudia Schiffer!! Doesn't matter. Those things are normal and natural for everybody and I'll wager they happened long before he ever had an affair. You're just sensitive right now 'cause you've been through h***. If you can, I wouldn't spend another minute worrying about THAT. Take that brain energy and work on planning something to take the sting outta those stupid anni dates!<P>Good luck, Sweetie. It's hard, but you can do it!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

DI<BR>Another option is to do something very special for yourself on those days. It doesn't have to be big. Just concentrate on what a special pesron you are. Congratualte yourself for making it this far. <BR>Honestly, there are a lot of people in this world who don't have what it takes. You do! Celebrate that.<P>Now I must tell you...D-day for me was Dec. 20 '98. My H dragged this thing out so long that I'm still looking forward to another 1-year anniversary the end of this month.<P>The good news: I don't care. <BR>DI, I know how hard this is. I think the 1- year is really the toughest. Once those first few are over things start to fade a little. I promise. I never believed it would be true for me. Some very wise ladies (Kat, Nerly, Almost Happy...) all told me but I thought they were just so much stronger than me. Now I believe.<P>Hang on to what a fantastic job you have done. Do something special for you.<BR>I've been thinking of you and praying. <BR>You will make it through

Just wanted to say thanks to you two. I am going to do exactly what you suggested. Replies from both of you mean so much always, so thanks. And I'm glad to know that I am not the only one who obsesses over detail. Sometimes I am amazed that my mind has room for so much stupid, hurtful, trivia. <P>lostva,<BR>About the dream... At first I was afraid to go to sleep last night because I worried what he would dream. But, I was so tired since I had stayed up til midnight making peanut butter dinosaur cookies with my son. So, I just figured, "Hey, I'm too tired to worry about THIS, tonight." I guess you would say that is progress???<P>wassi,<BR>Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Lord knows I need em! (And I don't know if you remember, but I'm the queen of the cell phone records, and I haven't looked at them in about a WEEK. Poring over them used to be a daily, nightly ritual. Good, huh? Can't throw them away yet, though. No bonfires down here today.)

OOPS DOUBLE POST FROM ME <BR>Just wanted to say thanks to you two. I am going to do exactly what you suggested. Replies from both of you mean so much always, so thanks. And I'm glad to know that I am not the only one who obsesses over detail. Sometimes I am amazed that my mind has room for so much stupid, hurtful, trivia. <P>lostva,<BR>About the dream... At first I was afraid to go to sleep last night because I worried what he would dream. But, I was so tired since I had stayed up til midnight making peanut butter dinosaur cookies with my son. So, I just figured, "Hey, I'm too tired to worry about THIS, tonight." I guess you would say that is progress???<P>wassi,<BR>Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Lord knows I need em! (And I don't know if you remember, but I'm the queen of the cell phone records, and I haven't looked at them in about a WEEK. Poring over them used to be a daily, nightly ritual. Good, huh? Can't throw them away yet, though. No bonfires down here today.) <p>[This message has been edited by Dead Inside (edited July 06, 2000).]

I looked at anniversary dates a lot differently. I chose to focus on the dates that were positive. This is the date we got back together, it's been a year since it was over and best of all - We've been back together longer than the affair lasted. That one to me was the most important! So instead of the negative dates, try to concentrate on the positive ones.

fairydust<BR>Soooo great that you can do that!! <P>DI<BR>I wanted to share something with you that I read in an article last month.<P>Women tend to attach memories to emotions. The more intense the emotion, the more vivid the memory. That explains why we have such a hard time getting rid of these memories. When they are attached to feelings like terror they are pretty vivid huh? Somehow it made it easier to go with the flow once I understood that reasoning.<P>BTW I am stiff competition for that Queen of the Cell bills title. <BR>Those things have been causing me problems for quite some time. I'm so glad you are getting away from looking at them <BR>When you are ready to burn them...let me know. I'll find something here I'm sure and we can have a joint bonfire. Even if we are so far away!