What do you do if the WS decides that they no longer want to talk about the A, my wife has decided that she no longer wishes to talk about her A. She says that she feels that to keep talking about it if like water torture and that all she now want to do is forget it ever happened, I find this very hard to do but have agreed to respect her wishes. She will not do the emotional needs questionaire or read anything that might help her/me. She will not call me unless I call her, I text message her and very little comes back, she says that she loves me very much but apart for sex I get nothing else emotionally from her what can i do? how can I help her to get back to her real self?

Love, patience and a good Plan A!!! That's the key.<P>Don't feel alone. A lot of us go through the "won't talk" stuff. And I think I said once that I'd be better off asking Robert to fly to the moon than read relationship material and fill out questionaires!<P>Doesn't matter...YOU'RE learning what to do. You keep doing it, leading her gently by example. It takes a long time, but it IS effective and you won't be sorry.<P>Hang in there.....she has much to deal with and she will - in time. <P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi there, I am what my husband calls a "wayward spouse"... It has been 3 months and I have recently decided not to talk about the issue anymore. I am the one who came to these boards for advice initially... he followed, and we both have taken the EN questionnaire's and gone to counseling. None of it has been helping much (he just let our son scribble all over the questionnaire after he read it), and counseling just seems to bring the topic up over and over with no resolution. It seems to me he has just chosen to be unforgiving at times - saying that I do nothing to show him I'm sorry. I'm not exactly sure as to just what it is that he needs from me - and he doesn't know himself. It gets old.<P>I would just suggest that you make the decision to forgive your wife and make sure she knows you have. Don't LB her on the subject (my husband does all the time and he's a very sarcastic and cutting guy), and above all TRY to show her that you are trusting her (or trying to build trust) if she has renewed a commitment to you. My H doesn't bother with this AT ALL. I am now just an immature untrustworthy person, incapable of making a rational decision if someone with a penis is around (sorry). <P>These are just things that I need from my particular situation and why I no longer wish to talk of the subject. Yours may be totally different - I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice here!

Hi Loveforlife.<P>As a WS, I know it can be difficult to talk to my H about the A. In fact, we really don't talk about the A itself too much. We mainly talk about how I'm feeling, how he's feeling so that we can recover. Your WS's not wanting to talk about the A, may be a way of avoiding conflict or a way of avoiding all those negative feelings she might be feeling (guilt, remorse, sadness, etc.)<P>We've been in recovery for about three months, and I still don't discuss the details of the A. But somedays, I'll come home and feel sad or lonely or whatever, and I'll just tell my H that I'm having a "sad day." That signals to both of us that I am thinking about either the way I feel (overwhelmed with guilt, remorse, whatever the flavor of the day is), or I feel like I miss the OP.<BR>Then we talk about why I feel that way (or if he is having a "sad day" we talk about why he feels the way he does.) <P>The key for me is to focus on the fact that I want my marriage to work, that I want to rebuild my H's trust. Luckily, my H doesn't ask about the details, he knows it happened (EA and PA). It's enought for him, I guess, that I am truly sorry for what I did and am working hard to rebuild our marriage.<P>I read somewhere, maybe on one of these posts, that you should write down all the questions you have for your WS. Then decide what you need to know in order to move on in recovery. Maybe you don't need to hear every detail, but you need to be able to decide what information you need to have in order to move forward.<P>But, every situation is different. The OP was not a co-worker, not a friend of a friend, not anyone my husband knew or knew us as a couple. So for me, it would probably be pretty easy to give him all the details, but all he really wants to know (and he can see it) is that I'm sorry and that I'm trying my best to rebuild our relationship. <P>I hope this helps a little bit, but if you have additional questions or a view from the "other side" (from a WS) I'd be more than happy to try and help. Good luck.<P><BR>