As I posted last week, my H came home after living with OW for a week. The weekend went OK, but was very stressful and emotional knowing that it could be our last holiday as a family. When he walked in Friday night to move back home, he said that he knew all the way home that our marriage wasn't over, but as soon as I opened my mouth, he knew it was. Is he just in his fog, or is it possible that he really does mean this??<P>He is going to be making a decision within the next couple of weeks about whether or not he's going to leave for good, and says that if he stays it's only for the kids and he and I will never have a marriage relationship again. It will only be a "roommate" type of relationship. My counselor says that this is not true, and that he's only punishing me for what he sees as 9 years of a bad marriage by saying these things. My question is---do I consider letting him stay in our marriage under these conditions? He will break it off with OW if he stays, but do I allow him to stay knowing that he has no intention at this point of working on our marriage? Or, do I hope that once he's through withdrawal and all of that with her, that he'll see the light and want to work on our relationship? <P>Need advice on this one.....

I can't answer from exp. because my H walked out suddenly, saying he'd "changed" and really hasn't offered much in what it was that was wrong with the marraige, but he doesn't want to work on it, but...<P>I think a lot of people had great results when in your position. Even though he is saying he is coming home for the kids....he isn't.......he is really speaking in the fog.<P>In your estimation did you have a horrible 9 year marraige???<P>What needs were you NOT meeting.<P>I think that you really plan A, plan A, plan A........The harley's say that if you meet emotional needs then he will feel that in love feeling!!!! Remember no LB's!!!!!!

Right now, only ask questions if you have to, ignore the OW, and live in Plan A. You can offer to listen if he wants to talk, but only offer.<P>Otherwise, Plan A like there is no tomorrow.<P>One week, that is nothing! If he is back that quickly, it wasn't as long as others who have been gone for months.<P>thl<BR>

Hi Hurting,<P>I agree with TT. Plan A, and expect nothing, and I mean nothing in return. Yep, he's foggy and going to be really mean and sulky. He is not getting what he wants (OW) and it's going to be all your fault. It' going to take a lot of time for him to start seeing what he may be loosing here, so keep it together with the Plan A.<P>He is not going to work on the marriage. You have to face this. Only you will be working on it, but hopefully that will be enough. Lead him. He needs you to be the strong one here. Don't let him walk all over you. Did you post once that one of his conditions for your return was that you loose some weight? That just irked me. You stay strong. Try to remember that under all that confusion is the man you once knew. Bring him out. Ignore his rude comments (so hard, I know). Get him home, but be prepared for him to be a jerk for a while.<P>This is so hard...my husband was always the one that held me up and took care of me. I have had to change my thinking totally and realize that he is in no shape to make me feel better now. It's my turn to lead him, as he did for me for so many years. And in a way, as painful as this all is, it feels good to help him. Makes me feel useful. Even when he throws it back in my face I'm learning to keep on track here.<P>Yep, get him home...and please...expect nothing for a long while.<P>If we expect nothing, we'll never be dissapointed.<P>allison