Well, here I am, whining again! <P>I'm starting to feel like a single mom again, already! My H went back to nights, why in the heck we thought that was a good idea, I don't know. Well, I do know, it was so he can improve his career, future, etc.<P>But, I'm already getting frustrated w/him being gone all the time. I thought he was going w/me to our son's baseball game tonight, but turns out he has training tonight (says he told me, but guess I forgot!). I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but he's not able to do the things we were doing together, because he always has something he has to do. Last night, I had to take our kids by myself to watch the fireworks, and I've been having to go to games w/just the kids. It may sound ridiculous that I'm complaining about this, but it really does bother me. I don't want to fall back into that old routine which led to our distance, in turn leading to my A, so on and so forth! He knows this bothers me, but there's not a lot he can do about it. I think he knows he has to put our family first, but it doesn't always seem like he does. <P>It's just frustrating for me, because I've always been the giver, and I've supported him in everything he does. I'm constantly trying to put him first, above everything else. I don't want to get selfish again, that's what led to my other problems. I just need to vent a little! <P>Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks! <BR><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited July 05, 2000).]

momma,<P>Maybe you should switch it around and look at it a little differently. First, it would seem he is putting his family first. He has to make a living and will need to make a better living as the children get older.<P>Do you think he would rather be in training or watch a baseball game with his children in it? Do you think he would rather work nights, or have time and fun with you. You know sex is a big time motivator and this schedule hurts that doesn't it? Do you think he would really like to work nights and miss out on many of lifes activities, since they are most done by people that work days?<P>In summary, do you think he really wants to miss all of this? Or do you think that he has the responsibility of children and a new child at that to address? <P>I worked most of my 55 years, and I will tell you I would much rather be with my W and children and I have a job in a profession I picked and love.<P>What is required here is an adjustment. Probably, in when you two do things, and perhaps in your thinking. He wants to have fun and be with you, but he must take care of you and the children. He's taken on additional responsibility with the new one, and it isn't his. <P>So think abit. See if there is a way for you and he to meet your needs and his needs. You may have to be creative, but it seems to me he must love you very much.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: Have you gone back to read your earlier posts just before the 4th?

Momma,<P>hey gal! Its me!!! I just got home from vacation with H. It was GREAT!!! He was teh sweetest thing in the world. <P>I know exactly how your feeling. You know my situation with the dad. My H is the same way. He doesnt understand that we have to spend time together to rebuild this thing.<P>This is my suggestion to you. This is what I am us ign to keep my chin up. Get the book by Ed Wheat. Saving your marriage alone. It is about $3.00. This is talking from a biblical perspective. I started it at the beach. IT IS GREAT!!! It will help you keep your faith in God. I know now that God will bring him back to me completely. <BR>Get this book Momma. If you aint got it. Ill mail it to ya. <BR>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Hi inamess,<P>So glad to hear your vacation was great!! Tell us more about it. The book you have sounds good, too. I like Dr. Ed Wheat - his books are very good. Sounds like you have a new hope! Keep remembering the good memories of the vacation, especially when a lull comes again.<P>Momma, I have a really bad schedule, too, with my husband. It takes a lot of creativity and intention to find time together.

Right now my H is working a 12 hour night shift and is on a 72 hour a week schedule. A barrel of laughs? With 3 kids, my own part time job and tons to do around the house...not! But he got a temporary promotion and it is all part of a plan set in motion when he went back to school to get a Master's Degree in 1992. Actually this is cake compared to some of what we have gone through. He even lived several hours away for 8 months to do research. <P>The last 8 years have been about him and his schedule. I try to do everything around the house ('cept the lawn & car care) in an effort to let him have time with the family when he is home. <P>This is off the point, but guess who had the affair...that would be him.<P>Anyway, my point is, it may help for you to repackage this. I have always felt that everything he did was part of our goal. Delayed gratification, big time.<P>Actually part of the pay off for me has already started because I am able to only work part time, and really I am thinking of not working at all for a while (in an effort to have some peace and orderliness on the home front).<P>We wanted to ensure that our kids could go to college and that when we retired, hopefully early, we could travel and pursue recreational activities.<P>Although my H is not around as much as most dads, he devotes all his time to the kids when he is home. This includes chores when he has the girls changing the oil and helping with the yard. They are well rounded and responsible (except for the 4 year old, which is well, 4). He includes the kids in any recreational activities he pursues and is active in their education.<P>My H's work is not his first love or priority. He enjoys it and has sought out challenges, but his priority has always been our family (with the exception of his 4 week affair). <P>Is it easy? Rarely. We get through it by sharing goals, dreaming of the future, understanding it is often necessary to set aside individual needs for the greater good and ultimate goals and doing the best we can any given day.<P>I know you can do it, I've done it for 8 years.

Thanks, all of you! You're comments really encourage me! <P>I just had to vent a little that day, sometimes it gets me down. <P>It's not a temporary thing, it's indefinite, but we'll manage. Just feel lonely sometimes. But, otherwise I can deal w/it. I know he's doing it for us, not just him.<P>Thanks, again!

Hi Momma...<BR>How are you? I miss not reading your posts. I'm sorry for your loneliness lately. Doesn't it seem as though last week, we were literally on top of the world...dealing with so much and sharing honestly with our H's? <P>Now, I guess you've crested the wave, and now, at least in my situation, I have to ride out the storm. We've had some major downs as well since I told my H. But you will get through this. <P>We had this conversation yesterday. I felt as though we were slipping back into old patterns, so instead of my normal witholding my feelings, I told him how I felt.<P>Another thing we do now is call or send electronic page messages throughout the work day just to stay in touch. This is new for us but my H loves it. <P>Your husband works the same crazy hours mine does...so perhaps you could plan some recreational activity once a week. Take an entire day and spend it however you both choose. I really think that was our biggest problem. We never did that before, but now we are. <P>I recently emailed you Momma...I want to stay in touch to encourage you. I'm praying for you.<P>I miss "writing" to you. <BR>Love, Wings