What should I do? My h called his attorney today and had his attorney call my attorneys office because he wants to get the process started to have the kids evaluated by a counselor to see if they should be around OW.<P>Do you think that i should talk to my kids and let them know Why I don't want then around Ow? I mean after all she has put me through I honestly feel she would be dangerous to be around my kids god forbid her and my h end up arguing. <P>i just don't think they are ready for this. They will be highly embarrassed by h showing up at their games with her. I can't even imagine. I mean they are only 11 years old. Is that old enought to know what is best for them?<P>I am getting nervous thinking my kids might not want to hurt their dad and they might tell the counselor its ok if he brings her with him.<P>Do you think i should let them know everything she did to me and my h???<P>Please any advise will be helpful.

Missy9,<P>I don't think that it would be a great idea to talk to your kids about how much your H and OW have hurt you. Believe me, I hate the idea of any OW being around anyone's kids. I went through it myself. <BR> <BR> That said, unfortunately, there is little you can do, other than allowing the kids to talk with the counselor. Unless there is the potential for physical abuse by the OW, there isn't a lot that you can do. If you do talk to the kids about all the wrongs that OW and H committed, the counselor would most likely look unfavorably on *you*. It stinks. But it is true. These kinds of issues are between you and H and OW. This is not your children's battle. I'm sorry I can't offer you better (in our eyes) advice.<BR> Does anyone else have any suggestions?

Missy, what did the kids counselor say??? <P>I actually agree with Mynabird..if she hasn't done anything to them.... YOu know...You just hold your head up! Be strong...show your kids you are strong!!!<P>You will do the right thing...you know, your kids can do the plan A for you by being their dad's sons!!!!! He is in a bad way..he needs to be loved....(even though he is being such a jerk!!!) <P>When I backed away, my H started to see the kids all the time.. Now I realize he is not seeing them with OW and it is a different issue, but when he gets them they are happy and seem content...he must know that that starts here!!!!<P>I have told my children that dad is having a difficult time right now...and that it has nothing to do with them. But I always tell them to behave, to listen to him (even though he talks to them about responsibility and he has shown NONE), and to thank him and hug him for all that he does for them.....<P>Again, I know it is a diffirent situation, but I TRUST in all my heart that your H will not let OW lay a finger on them or say anything that would harm them.. They are old enough to tell you if they are uncomfortalbe with anything she says or does.... It can be between them and him if there is something.. <P>My kids counselor tries to get me to get the kids to tell him what they are feeling. I have tried very hard.... they are hesitant due to the insecurity they feel....but it is better to come from them!!!!

Missy<P>I feel your pain and understand.<P>Your children are 11, not old enough to understand all the ramifications of their dad's actions, but not too young to see what he is doing is wrong.<P>You need to have confidence in your parenting, that you taught them right from wrong, and they will know in their hearts that their dad's actions are very wrong.<P>PLEASE do NOT talk to your children about what your H and the OW have done to you. Not only will it make your children sad and lower their self esteem (remember they come from his blood as well as yours)but if push comes to shove it could make you appear to be trying to alienate the children from their dad.<P>It's sad but you can't stop your H from exposing your children to OW. <P>But you CAN stop him from having them spend the night with him if she is also sleeping in the same residence.<P>I know this must just be breaking your heart, but you're going to have to bite the bullet on this one. Unless there is sufficent reason to believe that OW is a risk to your childrens safety.<P>Just keep in mind as your children get older and things become more apparent to them, their resentment for the OW will most likely grow to a level that they will NOT anything to do with her.<P>My niece has a daughter that just turned 11 and the child is just now beginning to NOT want to spend much time with her dad (he has been living with OW for 3 years and they are getting divorced, with no possible reconcilitation). A lot of it is because her dad won't permitt her to see her friends or do anything without the OW and him. But I'd bet money part of it is embaresment too.<P>Just keep in mind payback is always a b*tch.<P>He forces OW on the kids now he'll most likely regret it big time later.<P>FC<BR>(who wishes she had better news for Missy)<P>

Hey Missy,<P>big big hugs to you.<P>I'm sorry but I concur with everyone else.<P>It's so hard, and it just gets worse doesn't it. We didn't start this ball rolling, and we seem to go from hurt to hurt.<BR>Having said that, I would not tell the children anything. I believe that by doing that, you start making them have to choose betw. you and your H. They feel they can't share 'that' with you, or 'that' with Daddy. It puts them in a very awkward position, and one that I don't think children should be <BR>put in. I don't think that should ever be done. You are better than that, you know you are.<P>There was an article posted in the articles secion where it said that children shouldn't be introduced to any new partner for a period of 12 months. I gave it to my H when he wanted the children to meet fruitloop. It was extremely commonsense reading, I would highly recommend you give your H a copy of it. Are they living together? That might make a difference. If you can't find it, and want to read it, I'll try and find my copy.<P>Keep being strong, you can face and deal with this. I believe that if we deal with these issues with dignity and respect for our ex-partners (yuck, blech, vomit vomit vomit) we will be teaching our children such valuable lessons. They will see Mummy and Daddy dealing with conflict and crisis, but in a positive and respectful way. We will raise the problem solvers of the future, not the problem causers. I don't want my children to avoid conflict like my H's family do, but to face it head on. But, while doing so, I would like them to do it properly, ie, with respect, kindness and compassion. I don't want hate, bitterness and ugliness in my life, there has been enough of that already.<P>another big hug for you, you can do it. <P>Jo

Thanks to all of you who responded to me. <BR>I guess you are all right. i know my kids are smart and they already know this woman and do not like her one bit. <P>My h will be the one that has to deal with it. The kids went to the school where this affair occured. They knew something was not right about their dads relationship with this woman before I did. They are smart. They told me tonight that they do not want to be around her because she ruined our family and they are embarrassed by the way she dresses.They call her slutty.<P>They said that they are not that mad at their dad anymore because they are getting use to the situation. I guess thats good for him. <P>i have not told them all the terrible things she has done to me. What they do know is basically what they have observed on their own. <P>Bonnet-I have heard of that article before but I have not been able to find it. If you can send it to me, that would be great. <P>Thanks again to you all. I will keep you posted on what happens...<P>Thanks, Missy

Missy, you've handled your difficult situation with dignity and class. From what I recall, getting this problem resolved via a counsellor was something you wanted. So sad when a stranger is needed to solve family problems! <sigh><P>I think you know in your heart that the only thing you can tell your kids about the counsellor visits is that they need to be honest. Coaching them in what to say would perhaps diminish their understanding of honesty. I know how concerned you are about the outcome of all this. Just keep your sparkling dignity about you at all times. It'll give your kids more than just a lesson about honesty!