In two weeks, my wife will be attending her company's national meeting down south. This is the same meeting where she met OM last year. They are both with the same company but work in different states.<P>We have been in recovery since I found in February of this year. Trust is still a big issue for me, as my wife has lied about no contact since then. OM was contacting her because he was having a hard time getting over her. So, my W needed to help him through it. How nice!<P>It upsets me that they will be spending a week together. I have read many posts from WS's, about how seing OM brings back all of those feelings again. I have known about this trip for months and I get more upset as it draws near.<P>I'm not sure how to deal with my anxiety about her being there with him. My W thinks that if she calls and checks in with me, that some how that will help. During their affair, she would often call me, then go have lunch with OM, or meet with him when I was out of town. I feel, for me, that it would be easier not to talk to her other than "the kids are fine" and just let her talk to the kids. I know that if talking to her makes me angry and upset, she will get mad at me for "not getting over it yet".<P>Trying to cope but struggling still.

Can you go with her? Is it in a city where you can make it a little vacation? I don't blame you for being upset. Ultimately, I think your wife ought to find another job.

Since February is not much time in the scheme of things. I was still in my hypervigilant stage the first 6 months or so. If H went to the gas station I would actually time him to see if he'd had time to make a call.<P>I have a very simple rule of thumb for these situations. If it is something H used as a cover for his affair it is out of the question. Such as a weekend fishing with mysterious "friends" from work. Things like that would be a no go unless I was with him. Thank God he hasn't asked to do any of that stuff. A business trip where xOW would be would be an absolute no way. I would have a nervous breakdown! Things are great now (a year and a half) but I would never be able to handle that. I totally agree with Dazed about a new job. Your W should have been on an all out job hunt for months now. No contact is the most important rule! Hang in there, but for me this trip wouldn't happen unless I was there. Period.

Dazed,<P>I would like to go just to keep an eye on her but we have two small kids and I have kid duty. I would like for my wife to quit/change jobs, but she has a successful career and doesn't want to be a stay at home mom.

Thanks for your response. The reality of this one is that I'm just along for the ride, with no control in what happens. My wife doesn't understand why I am upset. Hard to believe isn't it? It's just another thing the the BS has to "live through" or "get over"<P>I realize that February to July isn't very long in the traditional sense, but it has been an eternity for me. Our marriage is very fragile, and my wife struggles to understand my anger, mistrust and resentment. I still go to individual counseling(Since January), in order to help me deal with the emotional turmoil inside myself. I have been close to leaving several times, and we continue to walk the rightrope. <P>I think it's unfair to me that I have to endure a week of them together at the same hotel. Just like old times!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is totally unfair for you to have to endure her being on that trip! She doesn't have to be a stay at home Mom, she can find another job. She has to understand that she is the one who betrayed you, now she has to make concessions to make up for it. The most important thing is no contact at all, ever, for any reason. If you have to change something in your life to accomplish that, so be it. Doesn't she realize that since she lied about no contact before it just sets you back that much farther in the trust issue? Luckily my H was very understanding. When he caught me checking his cell phone, etc he realized that is what I needed to do to trust him again. Of course he has no idea I still make occasional "spot checks". I think you 2 really need to sit down and have a long talk. Don't be her doormat and don't let her blame things on you. You have every right to not trust her, she should be doing everything in her power to regain that trust.

FairyDust,<P>Thanks again for your support. I have many opinions and theories on why my W acts the way she does. If she were here, she would tell you that she is only human, and that when certain emotional needs go unmet, you need to go out and find them to make you happy. She will also tell you that despite me asking her to do things to rebuild trust, i.e..no contact, change cell phone number etc...she wouldn't do it. She had to do it her way. About a month ago, OM called home number and played hang up game with me. I asked her to send no contact letter. She wouldn't do it becuase she had to handle things her way. That translates into not wanting to hurt him anymore and not wanting her having any affair to become known at her work.<P>My wife has no idea how I really feel. In her mind, she has done nothing wrong(B/C there was no sex) and I made her do it anyway.<P>I think when things got to be too much for me and I talked about seperating, that her attention was focused for a second on where our marriage was really at. <P>She cannot avoid going on this trip. I really don't think there is anything that she can do, in order for it to be more tolerable for me. I guess a little compassion for her husband would be nice.

Hi Thor,<P>Find a way to go with her. Call on your friends, relatives, neighbors. I know it's hard to leave the kids behind for a bit, and you don't have to go for the whole week, but do it. If I wouldn't have been so duty-bound to my kids and accompanied my H on some of his business trips he may not have met OW and had his fling. It would have shown him that he was #1, but I was too busy playing the martyr..."well honey, you go have your fun...SOMEONE needs to stay here and raise these kids".<P>Now, how much harder will it be for you to make a few arrangements for child care, than to sit at home all that week worrying yourself to death?<P>You'll also be sending a good message to her XOM, yep, I'm here buddy, and I'm gonna be here, so hands off!<P>Give it a shot.<P>allison

AZ Allison,<P>I would like to go but we have no place for the kids to go. Families are out of town. Second, I don't think it would be healthy for me to see OM. I have resisted trying to see what he looked like, etc... and my anger has not tempered enough to be anywhere near him.<P>My W already accuses me of being here dad, because I ask where she is going and what time she will be home. It upsets her that I ask why she leaves her pager in her car on vibrate. I can only image the look I would get if I suggested that I go along. These events are all day meetings and big parties at night. I think she would feel that she couldn't really be herself. From my perspective, I don't want her to be herself, but I don't want her to resent me either. There was a time when she was concerned that OM was stalking her and wouldn't leave her alone. I thought about hiring someone to discreetly bodyguard for her in case OM got too bold, but they would not have access to the seminars etc...I will try to focus on spending quality time with my kids, and not let something that I can't control make me angry.

I agree with the others. Since your w is refusing to acknowledge your pain, I would say the affair is continuing. Therefore I would agree that you go along with her. I didn't read your profile and don't know how old your kids, but most kids enjoy staying at a hotel, my kids do.<P>When my x was in her affair and we were attempting reconciliation, I was amandmant(sp) that she leave her job. She said no, this was the best job she ever had, she liked her coworkers, and couldn't find another job. Friends thought I was being inconsiderate too.<P>She just quit this great job two weeks ago. I know she blames me, I get too much child support, but from what I hear, no one at work supports her and what she has done, so all of a sudden this job isn't the best thing to her.<P>So stick to your guns, do what ever you can to go along, and try to get her to change her job.<P>

RWD,<P>Thank you for your support. I'll will continue to do my best!

Lets see she claims she did not have an affair because there was no sex involved so it is okay to spend a week at a seminar where he will be present. Meanwhile you feel that you have no choice in this matter because you have to babysit the children and if you go you might make your wife resentful and we wouldn't want to do that. We want to wait until this hopefully non-sexual affair becomes sexual. then we can say see I was right. My advice to you is to take the children and go to the seminar with your wife. There is no rule that says that you can't take your kids with you to seminars. You can do things with them during the day while your wife is at meetings and then meet her at the end of the day.

Max,<P>Thanks for your response. I had a sense of humor like that once. However, the issue is not as cut and dry as it may seem. I also have a great career and a demanding job. A week after my W returns from this trip, we are taking a family vacation. It would be difficult, if not imposible for me to be gone, even under these circumstances.<P>I also don't trust myself in presence of OM. I don't want to get into a position where I could make a mistake with him that could prove costly. No person is worth that. Your reiterations of my previous posts are correct, and I know my logic is a bit whacky right now.<P>I have often read on this board about learning to trust again. I know in my heart that If I cannot trust my wife again, that I cannot and will not be married to her. Granted, she has done some things that show she does not deserve to be trusted. I think recently, she has made a more concerted effort to earn trust. Maybe it's the anxiety caused by this trip that triggered it.<P>In reality, I need to start somewhere with it. It's as if I am being tested once again. I want to give my marriage every chance to survive, and I know without trust it cannot. I feel that I should not go on this trip, in the hopes that my W will demonstrate to me that she is trustworthy.<P>Maybe it's a pipe dream, but I'm willing to take the risk for the long run.

OK, Thor, let's look at your options.<P>W had some sort of an emotional affair. It may or may not be over. You are kind of in Plan A but you are a nervous wreck. She's going to this conference where OM will be and you won't -- and you fear that it will turn physical.<P>Let's assume that there is NO WAY you can go -- no way to take the kids, whatever. Maybe it will tick her off royally if you insist on going. So you can't go, and she won't NOT go.<P>First of all, there is a lot of gray area between THIS job and being a stay-at-home-mom. It's called getting another job. But let's deal with the problem at hand.<P>What can you do to prevent your worst notions from happening, if you stay home and she goes?<P>Nothing. She's going to do what she's going to do.<P>You can not affect what she does, at least not right now. You CAN affect what you do.<P>I understand all about worry. When I was "checking up" on my H all the time I cut myself off from my entire social life, thinking that it gave me control. It didn't. And it doesn't give you control either. She's going to do what she's going to do. If you are in recovery, and she is a full participant, she'll go and avoid OM. If she isn't, then you are in the phase of Plan A where you have to just avoid lovebusters, fill whatever of her needs you can, and suck it up. And come here to vent. <P>Getting counseling helps. Read my profile (amazingly, it seems to be still there) for the whole history. Just when I thought I was "safe" again, the OW in my life gets my H a job with one of her clients. And I lost it. So I sought counseling to deal with the anxiety. I see a cognitive therapist who has helped me deal with that "runaway train in the brain" thing. Perhaps something similar would help you.<P>The one thing I can tell you is that even if your W is underestimating her ability to stay out of trouble, if she is committed to staying with you, there is a VERY GOOD LIKELIHOOD that a "true" Plan A will have results. I was lucky in that I think my H really wanted to be with me, and I had results very quickly. Your mileage may differ.<P>

You know what Thor? You're absolutley right. I've been thinking about it all day, and you are right. You have to let her go alone. You will look desperate if you insist on going. I'd not push it if it were me right now either. I do think it would be a LB for you.<P>I think everything will be OK. <P>Just tell her to be honest, you can take anything but a lie. <P>I'm hoping and praying for both of you to stay strong. <P>Glad this post went on long enough for me to get my head around this one. It really has been bugging me.<P>allison

Thor,<BR> I was reading all the post here. After reveiwing all this. I am going to state my opinion. Not that it is right. I am just going on what I done. I am the betrayer.<P>First, of all. She sounds to wishy washy. You may want to keep an eye out. I could just about bet you that OM is still in the picture. I know that the pain is horrid! <BR>This just sounds to muach like the lies and deceit that I used.<P>I agree with others. She may have a career. She doesnt have the only job in the US. <BR>Are you certain that it was just a EA? I told my H it was just an EA at first also. <P>There are to many things that dont add up. Does she have time alone? And 1 month ago OM played the nag up game? NO WAY!!!<BR>JOB OR NO JOB!! This aint flying with me! I have been there. If there was contact 1 month ago. Then you better bet there will be contact at the seminar! <BR>I would not even go myself. If I think that I can run into OM. Then I wont go there.<P>Ill pray for you thor. I remember when you first came to the forum. <BR>I wish you the best!!!!<BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Go Go Go, If you have to take the kids take them. Plan A her to death. It sounds to me that she is at a very dangerous intersection. There can not be any thing more important to you than you wife and family(certainly not your job) Fight for her. Do not let her go alone. Her lack of respect and sensitivity indicates that more than likely she is still attached and or involved. This is very unfair on her part not to be much more considerate of your feelings. So Go, Let her be reminded every secound that she is there that she has a husband and family. Show her by example that you are willing to do what ever it takes to make your relationship with her the best that it can be. You have a long road ahead of you. But somewhere down the road I pray to God that she will thank you for not letting her go alone. God bless you,

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Thor007:<BR><B>My wife has no idea how I really feel. In her mind, she has done nothing wrong(B/C there was no sex) and I made her do it anyway.</B><P>Hi Thor,<P>I read back over some of your old posts.<P>You are in a tough spot...really still in Plan A, I think, rather than recovery. Personally, I think that the affair is over, because your W is being honest about the trip and his presence there.<P>You say that it was not a physical affair, but I see references to hotels and the OM threatening to kill himself.....what does your therapist say about this issue? <BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>