Any insights or responses would be appreciated. I think my husband has been one for years and I never realized it. And now he scapegoats me for things he has done in the past or decisions he has made. I don't think I realized it because I was always the one who solved everything. <BR>

My H is the KING of all conflict avoiders.<P>He will do what everyone else wants to do, even if he hates it, and not say anything simply to avoid a conflict of the smallest degree. Eventually this wears on him until finally he !EXPLODES! over a really tiny issue. And he is very demonstrative with his temper ... throwing things, slamming things around and alot of yelling and screaming and lecturing at a very high velocity.<P>This avoidence makes me feel terrible for him and mad at him at the same time. I don't understand it. He experiences this with all his adult relationships and some of his adult/child relationships too.<P>After 6+ mos of him telling me he wanted to leave, I told him he could if he wanted to. He didn't leave. Then at the counselor's she asked him why he hadn't left, he sd because it would be the biggest ugliest confrontation of his life and he was afraid of it.<P>So I made it very very easy on him. I very nicely and calmly told him one Saturday morning he could leave that week-end and gave him $3K. I was really very good while he packed, although I did cry alot. Then aft 7 hours of watching him pack I walked by his office and asked him if he could please hurry up because I was starting to feel a little mad. It was wearing on me ... and he was packing at a snail's pace (probably thinking I would change my mind), it was the most horrible day for me but I hope not for him. I told him before he drove away that I did my best to make it as non-confrontational as I could for him.<P>So, I too solved my H's delima of how to avoid conflict if he left me. Sheeeesh!<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 06, 2000).]

My H is also an extreme conflict avoider. When I brought it to his attention, he actually was receptive to overcoming this and tried to hang in there during tough arguments long enough to get some resolution Sadly, that did not last. He doesnt want resolution. He wants peace, even if the cost of peace is dishonesty and desertion.<P>Anyway, I think the way to get through is to make it safe for them to experience conflict. In my H's case, I think he is afraid of being abandoned, so he abandons first. He's afraid of not being loved, so he withdraws. He doesn't want anyone to be mad at him, so he either physically leaves the scene of confrontation, makes a joke to diffuse the anger, or explodes with something so hideous that no further conversation is possible.<P>I've been Plan A-ing in the extreme. No matter what he does, it's safe because I simply refuse to fight. I believe he is starting to see that it's okay to stand up for something and it's okay to compromise and share your feelings with someone else. It doesn't mean they are going to hate you or leave you if you don't agree. <P>He's still not there yet, but I do see improvement.

thankyou - I think my husband avoided telling me he was unhappy about anything and went along with everything I wanted because he likes peace and he honestly wanted to make me happy. However deep down resentment was building and building. Now I am told things he did and went along with are problems. The problem with that is that I really am a very reasonable person and do love him tremendously and also would only want to please him. All he ever had to do was SPEAK UP. However in his defense I am a better arguer then he is and probably just bulldogged him for years and he would realize he couldn't win and just give up. We really need to improve our communication I guess. Anyway I have really changed my manner in dealing with him and that seems to have helped our relationship. I think Plan A is my savior.

Geesh, I'd think you all married my husband on the sly. Popeye, I never thought of the "I'll do it to you before you do it me" angle. My husband is very conditional - he can quickly go from being your most adoring fan to appearing to be thoroughly disgusted with you over the smallest of issues. He doesn't seem to have the ability to differentiate between hating your actions and hating you. Then he cools down and everything is supposed to go back to normal with a simple "I was an *ss". <P>Although, to his credit, during our blow up last night, he remained calm and cool while I vented and ranted. He kept saying "if you want to talk, we'll talk, but if you want to yell, I won't listen" (What a reversal of roles - I've been at him for years to stop yelling and start talking when he gets mad.)<BR>

Wow - It seems there are a lot of men like this out! My H's fear of conflict is exactly why we are having problems today. We have been married for 19 years: I thought happily: But for the past few years (since our 3 children were born), he has been slowly becoming dissatisfied - mostly due to a lack of sexual closeness - but never wanted to broach the subject with me for fear of my reaction. Instead, he began to talk to an old girlfriend, by phone and e-mail. I believe I found out in time to salvage our relationship, but it isn't easy.<BR>Don't let your H turn to someone else like I did: MAKE him talk - and be sure to keep it non-confrontational if you can!

Yep, my husband fits that profile. How about you quakermom? Are you like me...for years I would explain to my husband how he felt and why he felt that way, and what he should do about it whenever he had the nerve to speak up and say how he was dissatisfied with things. I never knew how deeply unhappy he was cause I filled in all the blanks for him. It made sense to me! And he just went along cause all he wanted was for me to be happy, not make waves. Little did I know how much resentment and dissatisfaction he harbored within. Talk about learning the hard way! <BR>I think popeye is right in saying that we have to make it safe for them to experience conflict. I have been keeping my mouth shut (ouch!) in order to give him time to verbalize how he feels...and it is working! You know how it is said that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself? Well, it is so true in this case. I get so mad when I think that all he had to do was speak up for so many years....but now I realize that all I need to do is listen! Don't get me wrong, I am a world-class listener... I just needed to learn to recognize the signs my husband gives when he is unhappy. Even conflict-avoiders cannot hide all their unhappiness. And , I let him know that it's ok to not agree with everything I say. I can disagree with him and still respect him. <BR>Also, I too, was 'scapegoated' (and still am) for things that my husband doesn't want to take responsibility for. I think that is partly due to immaturity and partly due to anger on his part. I will step forward and solve most problems so when he has to shoulder some responsiblity and it doesn't work out, he will naturally throw it back on me. I just respond now the same as with everything....with silence or calm, brief, rational explanation. I have used the argument approach until I am blue in the face and am convinced that he knows within himself the truth but just wants to blame someone else. Like a naughty child, ya know? I just figure that if he deals with the consequences of his decisions someday he will 'grow up'. At least, that what I've learned to do with my teenagers! <BR>Good luck to you.<BR>

OH MY GOD!! Littlemurph - are you married to my husband?? Our situations are so similiar In our relationship I was always the dynamic problem solver, the mover and the shaker, My husband went along with everything without complaint or with minimal complaint. I realize that he is a fairly passive person. I always thought these sides of our selves were what made us so compatable but little did I know that he had been resenting this. He started talking to someone on line about his maritial problems (Ididn't even know we were having any) He felt that I controlled everything and that I just wanted him to do all the work and was avoiding sex. The reality is that he is somewhat immature and having 4 children and both of us working is hard work for both of us!! I realize now that I didn't acknowedge his efforts and wasn't meeting a lot of his emotional needs (esp, admiration, domestic support andLOVEBUSTING big time). However he found a 22 year old to have sex with 2x (now she's pregnant) before I found out about all of this. Now he says he wants to stay with me and try to repair things but in his best conflict avoider style we don't talk about anything regarding the affair or even how he is feeling. I am communicating better with him and not love busting big time. I am hoping that counseling will help him realize that he is responsible for his own decisions. I am keeping my mouth shut and hopefully he will learn it is safe to tell me what he thinks but for now he will tell his sister or someone else but not me. I keep smiling and not love busting and hav efound pieces of myself I never knew existed -patience, thinking before I speak etc. We are still so new at this he only returned home on Father's day that I am still very insecure about everything. That and the fact that he still works with the OW with no chance for a change make me crazy. However I still love him and want to save my marriage.

Well, I have to admit that the situation is very similar. My husband, too, works with the OW, a 21-year old. His was a very strong EA. We have 5 children and have moved 7 times in 9 years. I thought we were so strong, dealing with all the stuff life handed out...turns out I was, he wasn't. But anyhow...my point is that things can change. You say your husband just came back last month. It needs more time until you will begin to feel security. And until he begins to trust you. (stinks, doesn't it) But my husband is opening up in bits and pieces. At first, he wouldn't even admit to doing anything wrong, didn't want to talk about it, nothing. I had considered myself a pretty patient person, but I, too, found myself learning to wait DAYS (and longer!)for answers to questions. Didn't know I had it in me! I found it took about 3 months (while he went through the worst of withdrawal) until I felt comfortable asking him to fill out the EN questionnaire. We are now working our way through it...one question, couple days pass, then another. Someone in this forum told me Steve Harley recommended the questionnaire as a way to make your spouse start thinking about you since they still work with the OP. It gets them focused on you and the marriage. My husband would run to his dad to talk after the affair ended (not about the affair, just someone close to talk to) but now he is starting to turn to me. It has taken so long but at least now I am beginning to hope that someday he will tell me how much I have changed and how he can talk to me about anything. <BR>So keep smiling and not love-busting because it does work!

Littlemurph - That is where I am right now - Him not wanting to communicate about it much and me trying to meet his emotional needs all the while wondering if he is really committed or is it just easier for him this way. And right now his work situation is crazy; 26 hours of overtime last week and here me with the summers off! Last night he seemed very upset and in the past I would have *****ed about how hard he was working and how he was not home for us and would have dwelled on how hard it was for me with the kids. I would have made him being upset my problem rather than realizing he was burnt out from work. Like I said I have changed a lot too! I guess I was spoiled growing up because both my parents were teachers and my Dad was around a lot. I guess I measure using that but shouldn't. What I should have really been saying all these years was that it must be so hard on him etc. etc. It's funny but people have been saying to me "Didn't you know you were the strong one in your relationship?" And I was like DUH - NO! I didn't realize how much I was asking of him and him trying to give it until he just kind of snapped. I am not excusing his behavior but I understand what happened I think. I hope the insecure feelings lessen but with them working together and her being pregnant( I usually post on the preg/child board) I feel a constant wariness. I had been thinking about asking him to do the Emotional Needs questions but will do it slowly. Thanks for your input and kind words. <BR>Popeye- your comment about conflict avoiders not wanting any one to be mad at them is a good one. Isn't is crazy that you could commit infidelity rather than face up to your problems for fear of getting someone mad. Think about it!! My husband is the baby of his family and has been a people pleaser for years. It is just sad that instead of dealing with his own deficiencies he choose this way to try to fix them. I too am Plan Aing like mad. Are you and your husband living together if you don't mind me asking? How long has your plan A been going on and how is your recovery going?<BR>