Sure hope I'm not back on the sleepless night track, but I guess it's part of the process.<P>Been sitting on the chair trying to sleep and keep getting angrier and angrier when I think about what wife has put me through the past year. <P>Friday night after my wife finally told me that her affair hadn't end back in May like she told me, I got pretty angry. Called the othermans answering machine both at work and at home. Not sure exactly what my messages said, but I am sure they weren't very nice. Well the phD in physcology called me back the next day and was apparently upset that I violated his answering machine. He couldn't understand how his violating my wife could make me so angry and that I had no right to leave nasty messages on his answering machines. We started having a swearing contest untill I finally hung up. Probably not a smart thing to do, but I had to do something.<P>I'm also sitting here trying to figure out why I do want to be married to this woman anymore. My wife asked me tonight how I could still want to be married to her. I had been telling her that I did. I told her that that feeling was before I found out she had been lieing to me again for the past six months and having sex with this guy again so that she could figure out if she really loved him. <P>Anyway, enough for tonight.

TimJ,<P>If you are sitting there wondering why you want to be married to her after all of this, I guess the answer has to be because you still lover her, although you hate her at the same time. Give it time, you put the ball in her court this time. You will find out if she has what it takes to be your wife. <P>I suspect that you will get your answer in due time and it will be hard for her to stick with this. But you never know. Have you read "die Deutsch's " post here today. While it does not directly apply to your situation, the affair was a long one and she has now seen the light. Your wife may be the same. <P>Give it a go. You have come this far and everything is now on the table. You never know, good things can come of these situations. <P>As for her OM, well if he is on a faculty and your W is associated with that institution you do have ways of getting to him. He is probably worried somewhat. His professional reputation is somewhat in jeapordy.<P>In any event, hang in there. You will be getting your answers soon enough. And obviously you do love her or you would not be asking these questions. The anger will go with time if she makes the effort to stay with you.<P>Good Luck and God Bless Both of You.

TimJ-I know I can relate to some of the stuff your saying. I kept telling my H that I wanted to work with "us" yet he took months to actually confirm the affair to me. I was so angry and still am at times with him. I was sitting there working on this marriage and he was keeping his mouth shut and allowing things to go on. It still does bother me at times, I think because we talk ourselves into trusting this person again and then again they hurt us. That is the worst possible pain you can have, when you think your working on something and things are getting good then you find out that they're not really being truthful,after you decided to trust them again.<BR>I can tell you really do love her, it wouldn't bother you so much if you didn't. It's just something you have to take in and figure out how to deal with. I have to remind myself constantly that he could have kept on lying and I would have gotten no where but he chose to come clean and work things out.<BR>Tell your wife of your anger. You can do this in a non-lovebusting way and still express yourself. I did and it made him understand why I hesitate even now to believe in him telling me we are forever (for some reason he keeps telling me this and that he will never stray again). I keep saying we'll see, and he knows that I am trying to believe in us in the same way I had before but that I need that time to prove it.<BR>I hope things work out for you, know that we are here for you to vent or rage or any of those nice things you really feel like doing! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

<BR>Thanks Just Learning for your response. I do love my wife yet and am sure that I will keep working at the marriage. Put to much into it so far to just give up. Her other man is a Dr. of phsycology at the hospitol she works at. My wife is a nurse. From what I found out about the guy, I'm not sure he cares to much what his reputation is. Has a history of using women for sex with no committment. That is what my wife finally realized about him. I only wish she would have listened to me long ago. <P>Chick, <P>Since this if the fourth time since last August I have heard about the affairs my wife has had, I come to understand the process pretty good. Last night we did talk and I did let me wife know why I am angry. I do have hope this time as this is the first time she has admitted that her affair is wrong, she admitted that she has lied to me about a number of things, hoping that I would divorce her. She now admitts that what she did is not the answer for her and that maybe marriage to me is. We both have some work ahead and I am hopeful that this time we both will start working on the marriage. <P><BR>Good luck to both of you also.