One of the girls in our village told us last night how the OM hit on her in exactly the same way he did my wife , kiss, fondle etc, and that her hubby wants to whack him for it. <P>The revelation is that this occured while he was confessing his love for my wife - she was with him that night - and the day after they had spent a weekend together in a hotel - insidently my wife paid for this - I think she pretty well hates him now. <P>Still cannot show me any affection though, never tells me she love me without prompting and never calls me or messages me at work unless I call or message her, says she's too busy to think about it, what about lunchtimes?<P>Says what she needs is time that she feels so guilty about the hurt she has caused me that she cannot see how her comforting me will help. - I tell her that is exactly what I need but she says she cannot do it yet - give her time - don't prssure her. <P>It's so hard I need proof that she loves me not just words, and funnilly enough not just sex, it's so hard to believe the words after the deceipt. <P>This is tearing me up, I know I need to give her time without impossing my needs on her but I really am finding this so hard to control. HELP ME PLEASE!!!

LFL<P>You are right you need to give her some time. This is a major event so don't blow it. You need to do the best Plan A possible. Be supportive and non polar. Say things like you know it is tough on her, that it's a tough situation for everyone and you are here for her in any way she needs.<P>She more than ever needs to see the good and companionate side of you!!<P>Love and Prayers for You and Your Family!!<P>J W

Loveforlife<P>As a WS, I know what your W will be going through. First she may be angry/sad at the OM for hurting her - yet, she'll still look forward to hearing from him. She will question her love for you - are you the love of her life? Then, she'll need to decide what to do - stay with you, leave to be with the OM, or just leave. Once she decides which way to go (and if she's like me, hopefully she'll decide to stay with you and work on rebuilding your marriage) she'll feel a tremendous amount of guilt, remorse, she'll feel like she not only betrayed you, but she betrayed her own self-worth. If she's abything like me, she may feel like she's worthless. <P>I immediately told my H about my PA after it happened - I couldn't take the lying, the cheating, I felt sleazy. My H totaly forgave me and were working to rebuild our marriage, but it takes time. My husbadn never pressured me to talk to him. Sometimes I feel like it's the other way around - that I'm always dumping on him my feelings, my thoughts, my problems.<P>The biggest thing that has helped us, and I've written this before in other posts, is that my husband created an environment where I felt like I could talk openly and honestly to him without being belittled or berrated. He lets me talk when I need to talk, He hugs me when I need a hug. He just sits with me when I don't feel like talking.<P>For me, things happened in little spurts, but it took time for me to completely open up to my H. Please be patient. You'll have to be the strong person - don't put your needs on the back burner - but realize that your W will be going through her own kind of hurt, that may be different from the hurt you feel right now, but she does hurt.<P>Just try your hardest to be loving, kind and patient. IT'll be tough, but eventually your wife will realize that she needs you to get through this. Take care and good luck!

loveforlife,<BR>One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was, for a time, to love my H unconditionally. Not to expect anything back. Keep expectations low. You don't have to do it forever, but for the time I did it, a couple months of my 18 month Plan A, it really opened my eyes to some of my own behavior, and the fact that if I'm loving, by God, I expect some loving back .<P>If both partners are basically decent people, they are both wounded by an affair. If she is no longer seeing him, she may still need time to sort out what she has done--my H was swamped by his guilt. Keep calling, keep telling her you love her. Meet her needs. Be there for her. It isn't easy, but it is the main path to reconciliation.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Listen to what she is telling you - time, noe pressure. Very important! Also part of a good Plan A.<P>Have patience. It sounds like she will come around if you give her the time she needs wihtout the pressure. Pressure will just drive her away.