Hello,<P>i am about to go crazy, i failled for divorce with my husband of four years whom is 40 and i am 22 to marry this guy of 27. Thing is, i miss my husband, and he wants me back, but just imagining sex with him makes me think twice. I miss him emotional, after four years i considere him my best friend, but with this new guy i feel alive, love sex, love to go out with him. My marriage has been a mess for a long time, my husband says that all that can be changed, but my familly thinks i am best with my new man, and so my friends, but my mind is all confused. This new man loves me dearly, he would do anything for me and i feel good with him, but i do not know why i think about my husband so much. I do not know if is because is natural to miss someone that has been with me troughout the end of the end of my teenage life and that has helped me in the most difficult times or because i still love him and i do not know it. I just know one thing, i am dam scared, maybe i am scared of marring again, or just afraid of giving my love to someone. i know i am afraid of been cheated by my new man someday, i am afraid, that if i let my self to love him i will get hurt. With my husband i know that will never happen because he is much older and he is nuts about me. I do not want to use him as a security and live my entire life cheating on him, because i think if i go back to him i will cheat on him again and again. While with this guy i do not worry about cheating on him. Will some one please tell me what they had felt when they had left their partner, if they had miss them and if they had had this same problem. Or could it be the fact that i was sexually abused when little and hurted by man all my life what makes me feel all those fears and try to escape to security which is my husband. Helppp... i am going out of my mind. <P>------------------<BR>Leticia.<p>[This message has been edited by Leticia (edited December 07, 1999).]

Hi, Leticia and Welcome. <P>I'm sorry, but it can't be as simple as yes or no. You've got a lot of thinking to do and a lot of growing right now. <P>Can i make a suggestion? Read. Read Harley's principles from this site. Read posts. Old, new, all of them. There are tons of books out there that you'll find listed on this site. Read them as wel.<P>Take your time. Give yourself some room and arm yourself w/ the information you need to make a good decision. Learn about what's happened to you here. <P>And we are here if you need us. To ask questions, cry, vent, scream. We'll listen and try to help as much as we can.<P>You're in the right place. And you can learn much. The first thing you may learn is that you may cheat, no matter who you're married to, if you don't learn why it happens.<P>So, take a deep breath and get started. We're here for you.<P>Lori

Welcome <B>Leticia</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>It is important that you unerstand that the purpose of <B>this site</B> is for building marriages... hence the name Marriage Builders. And, as Lori says... you have some growing/thinking to do. If you've reached the conclusion that it is your marriage you want to work on... continue... <P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! If you are moving away from yor "friend" and treating like an affair... you need to get on board with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Leticia,<P>I read your post very early this morning (or very late last night- I couldn't sleep waiting for my wife to come back home). The waiting is not jealousy or a sign of desperation, but I worry about her well being, before all this thing happened and either of us got home late from meetings or other issues, the other one would stay awake, and then we would comment on how the meeting or whatever was and what we did during the day. We're trained after 14 years of marriage to do this.<P>How is your communication with H (your husband)? It sounds like you are Latin and he is American, is this true? One of the things that inter-cultural couples encounter (especially when the language is not the same) is that it is difficult to communicate when it comes to sharing past experiences and inner feelings because we have those memories in our native language. Do you communicate with H, do you share your feelings, emotions, fears, what you did during the day?<P>You don't mention children, do you have any?<P>Then sex, do you enjoy your affair with OM (the other man) purely for sexual fulfillment and for the good time you have together, or do you feel a bond with HIM, this is, do you feel identified with his soul, so to speak? Probably H has less sex drive than you, some experts say that men are at the peak of their sex drive at 20 and woman at 30 (and growing!!). If you are with this OM mostly for sex think twice, he's already older than you are.<P>The main issue, I think is not that you have a good time with this OM, most likely if you & and H had had a good level of communication this would never had started. Even sex can be learned, and then there is always imagination...<P>There are many issues one must resolve before making a drastic decision. In your reply to my post "Need Opinions" you say that I should make a decision and walk away. This is not easy to do as you know very well, it is not easy for the betrayed and it's not easy for the wayward.<P>Years ago I betrayed my W in a different way: I used to go to this "business lunch" at 2 PM every Friday; I was the one who left before anybody else... between 2 & 4 the next morning. Were we with girls? No; were we planning something that would make the world be a better place? No; we were drinking and talking nonsense while our wives waited on us. She didn't dump me while my throat substituted my brain and I won't dump her while her hormones substitute her neurons.<P>This place will help you not only with good advise but will also help you to improve your English where you probably need it the most: to communicate with H about you feelings and emotions. But, if there is something that you want to tell us that you absolutely cannot communicate in English, post your message in Spanish and in the topic box write: "ThisAlex, please translate this". I'll do it ASAP although it won't always be immediately.<P>Take care and let us know how you are doing.<P>ThisAlex<P>------------------<BR>If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about Trust and Awareness.