<B>WARNING! MOANING & GROANING AHEAD!</B><P>Ya' know, I've thought a bit about this the last 17 months.<P>I am the one who should have had the affair, not my Wife.<P>I was the one who took the kids to school/daycare/everywhere else.<BR>I was the one who was always home with the kids while she worked late & weekends.<BR>I did ALL the cooking.<BR>I did all the shopping.<BR>I was the one who did all of the romancing.<P>etc...<P>and she is the one who has 2+ affairs and bolts.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I agree. It should have been you. It should have been me, too. For the last 8 of our 17 years of marriage, I was like a hamster on a wheel, trying to take all the wrinkles out of life so H could go back to school, study for his certification, work full time (So did I until the last few years), keep everyone quiet so he got enough sleep all while arranging for most free time to be spent with the family recreationally. I didn't mind, in fact I felt empowered because I was doing my part to achieve "our" goals. The pay-off?<P>He stumbles into a Mid-Life crisisette and takes up with a brazen hussy after one kiss.<P>Sometimes it just makes your blood boil, doesn't it?<P>Oh yeah, and all the while he wouldn't have been able to identify, let alone think up a romantic notion on his own. <P>Talk about unmet needs? Yeah, let me count them. I even had a really nice, great looking guy hot on my trail during the worst of the school/work thing when I truly was a single mother that happened to be married...and you know how I felt? Repulsed by the idea. I felt literally creepy and dirty when he tried to hit on me or even compliment me, even though I did not initiate or participate.<P>OK...that was a nice little cleansing vent, I feel much better now <p>[This message has been edited by FaithHopeLove (edited July 07, 2000).]

You know, at one point in this mess my H told me it could have just as easily been me that had the affair. I agreed at the time, cuz that is what I do...agree, but then after thinking about it a LOT I realized that NO...I just wouldn't have.<P>Not that I am so great, not that betrayers are so bad, but it just isn't who I am. <P>I guess it's a simple as the fact that since I met my husband (23 years ago) there was just no other man that interested me. I love him, and I can't control that emotion. <P>Do I divorce my 17yo son that is a complete hormonal nightmare? My 14yo dtr that is getting to be the same way? No, I love and support them because they need me. I get very little support from them because at their ages they are the centers of the universe. Same with H. I am learning to expect nothing.<P>All I can say is thank God we have each other here on these boards.<P>allison

Aren't 14 year old daughters great? Sometimes drives me up a wall & down again!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I wonder how many of us there are who should have been just as susceptible as our spouses.<P>At the time my H started palling around with Dragon Lady, I was in my last semester of grad school, taking a very tough class. But for years before that, I'd worked in the city (1-1/2 hour commute each way), gone out with friends in the evening, etc., and he'd never had a problem with it. But I was busy and Dragon Lady was there.<P>11 years ago, my H quit his job to go to school without talking to me about it first. We'd discussed it in abstracts, but hadn't agreed. He took the class, had a hard time with it, and went into a suicidal depression, refusing help, refusing counseling.<P>During that time, I had a large group of (mostly male and two other females) friends. I started getting too close to one of the male friends, and scared the s**t out of myself. I knew I was headed for trouble, and started looking for another job.<P>Why could I sense danger and my H not? Who knows?

shoulda been me...for the same reasons...but who had the time or the opportunity?

I sometimes wonder if it has to do with how we are raised and our examples in life. My parents have always been faithful to each other. My mom always told me that when you start becoming attracted to someone else, you leave the situation. It wasn't an "if". She knew there would be points in a marriage when you would be attracted to someone else. She also stressed the importance of commitment. Love is commitment. I love my H. No matter what he has done. I don't think he understands that.<P>My H, on the other hand, was raised believing that A's and divorce was wrong. But, his dad was a cheater who left his mom. That leaves an impression. No matter how much you say its wrong, I think it is a whole lot easier to fall into the same mistakes your parents made. I don't know why that seems to be so, but look at all the kids who follow in their role models footsteps--good and bad.<P>It shouldn't have been any of us. It could have been any of us, but some of us are stronger. That's just seems to be the way it is.

I agree, Lapeine. Actually both my H and I were raised by faithful parents and extended family with no divorse or known affair history. I think the difference could have been I was more aware of guarding my heart and my H was more naive.<P>However, although I believe some of us are stronger in our resisting affairs, that does not make us necessary stronger in other areas of life. <P>My H is much more disaplined in other areas and I am more of a free spirit. I am a complete marshmellow in many ways, but not when it comes to crossing values.<P>So each of us has our own unique strengths and weaknesses, maybe even at different seasons of our life.<P>

How true, how true.<P>For the past 6 1/2 years I feel I have done most of the work in this marriage. All the holding it together.<P>I think it does have something to do with the way you are raised. While my parents were divorced, I had a wonderful aunt & Uncle who taught me about commitment and responsibility.<P>My W's parents are jerks. One an alcoholic and the other a drug using slut. <P>I thought I could hold her together. Show her what true love could do....her parents didnt even bother to pay the bills half the time. No food...<P>I planned to put her through school, I worked 3 jobs to pay for our wedding and honeymoon and belongings.<P>For 6 years I had to deal with her "sexual hangups" only to find out she has been having sex with an ex boyfriend during our whole relationship.<P>SHOULDA BEEN ME!

Chris,<P>From what I have seen, it is rarely the primary parent who has the affair. I don't think that is just chance that the one who is less committed and connected to the family as a whole is the one who has the affair.

Me too!!!!<P>Damn this love, morality and integrity crap!!!!!<P>I don't want to be the "strong" one anymore.....I want to be taken care of now. <P>IT's my turn!!!!!<P>Only thing is - in my case, anyway....<P>I'd probably expend as much, if not more, energy and angst to be "needy" and "a taker" than I do now.....<P>I just can't win!!!!!<P>

I'm with Sheba. <P>I was the one whose always taken care of holding things together, being the "peanut butter" of the family.<P>Whatever needed to be done I did it for the "good" of the family. Made me strong and capable....too strong for H who needed someone who needed him.<P>I was strong but I still needed...needed him to stand by and help...needed him to be there to lean on...needed him to understand and try to be part of my life....but he was too busy needing other things...and we drifted apart...and someone came by and filled the need for him...and all my needs got lost in the shuffle. But you know what?<BR>I still need. And I'll go on needing until what was between H and I is done...because that's the way I am.<P>And I don't think it has anything to do with the type of family you come from....my father was a womanizer early in my parent's marriage but straighten up in later life and my H's parents were married for 35 years and never cheated on each other. You might say that the hurt my father inflicted on my mother sensitized me but I was never aware of it so I don't think so.<P>I do think maybe the point Nellie made "the one who is less committed and connected to the family as a whole is the one who has the affair" could be important. My H has always been less committed to the family and more self-centered. Maybe it's an inability to sense what's important in your life.<P>Just my thoughts...take them for what they're worth.<P>Buffy <BR>

Hi Chris,<P>I agree with you and the rest. I definitely should have been the one, since for the last 7 years, H has been leaning on me both emotionally and financially. Immediately prior to D-day, it got so bad, that sometimes I felt like I was dragging around this 200# ball and chain! It was like living with a large child. I ended up doing most everything because if I didn't, then it didn't get done.<P>What I didn't understand at the time was how deeply depressed he was (and still is). He bottled everything up inside, put on a good front, and wouldn't open up to me.<P>I'll never understand why it was him and not me. I have had many opportunities. And, my career would have advanced much further if I had given in. But, like FHL, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It repulsed me, too.

Hey Chris,<BR> Yeah,I could of had the affair,but it goes against everything I believe in.I know you're still holding on,but it finally happened.I've lost all love for my stbx.It's just gone,period.<BR> You know,my needs weren't being met,for years.I even told her that,for years.Yes,there were plenty of sweet,young things down at Boeing that I could of"fallen in-love"with.Some even asked me out for drinks,but the answer was always the same,"I'm married".<BR> I told my stbx that I could of done the same thing to her,and had a grand life revelation,and sexual awakening with somebody new,but she just doesn't get it.But then,she's caught up in it,not me.<BR> Maybe someday,it'll dawn on her that lust and grand passion doesn't last forever,and you have to come back down to earth sometime.<P> ~~Murph <BR>

But you know what Chris ... you weren't ... which makes you so much better of a person, and a father, than her. Don't you know who will see WHO was there for them, WHO provided for them, WHO loved and cared for them ... and WHO didn't leave them? You. Its all about you. And that makes you one heck of a man ... a thing a lot of people can't say. Your children will be grateful for you all the years of their life and love you deeply and dearly for all you did for them .. being a mom and a dad. Sticking through the rough times, not bailing out ... like she did. You will get in return all the things you gave and more ... one day.

Couldnt have said it better myself hurtin!<BR>You da man Chris!<P>Bill

Could not resist this one. Like everyone else I should have been the one to have the affair. H has not met needs in a very long time. He said once to me "I guess I've sucked all there is out of you." What is he a bloodsucker. My theory we were all the ones working on it and investing in the relationship while they just took and took, sucked and sucked. When you don't put anyhthing in you don't have any investment in it. However I don't think our spouses are probably investing that much in the new relationships, just sucking that one dry too? Sad but very possibly true.