What do you guys think? Should you tell a friend, family member, clergy, whatever about what's going on in your marriage for the sake of emotional support? I haven't told anyone and I'm sure no one would ever guess. But I'm being stretched really thin, and my emotions are always right below the surface. I find myself bawling my head off as I drive to and from work, or in the shower where no one can hear me. While I would love to have someone listen and give their opinions, I'm afraid that if I did confide in someone it would come back to haunt us, and just make matters more unconfortable in the long run. <P>On another note, tomorrow we're supposed to leave for a 2 week vacation, and I'm dreading every minute of it. I've thought of going in separate cars so that if it gets too unbearable I can leave (ok, so that's nuts but it's a nice little fantasy). <P>It's going to be so hard - after spending so much time together every day, I know I'll be praying for some sign of affection. Already I spend most of every night laying awake hoping he will make some advance. Of course, it never happens. If I try to initiate it (as usual), I'll be spurned once again. I don't know how much more hurt & humiliation I can take. <P>Anyone got any ideas how to get thru this as pleasantly as possible? <BR>

I don't know how people make it without talking to others. As soon as I learned, I drove immediately to church and told a good friend of my H. (Not good enough, he was totally shocked.) After scolding me for driving in my emotional condition (he's a cop), he got his wife. They talked to me and then they got an elder. That elder told the other elders. They had a special prayer in church that Sunday although no names were mentioned.<P>My coworkers all found out. It was hard not to since I quit doing any work for a week and stared blankly at the computer screen all day.<P>My mom called a couple days later. I wasn't going to tell her, but she knew. I don't know how, but her first questions were, "Is there someone else? Is he having an affair?" Since then, various people have learned. I have talked to people who are divorced, married, single, etc gaining insight and perspective.<P>The worst thing I did was have my H tell my dad. Of course, my mom had kept it a secret for two weeks and she didn't think she should be the one to tell my dad. My counselor got onto me for that. He said that I should not issue any demands on my H right now. He said, if I want to tell people fine, but I should not force my H to. After all, he is the WS and it is embarrasing for him to admit such a mistake.<P>I say limit the number of people you tell. Try not to tell all of your spouse's friends. Let him save some face. But definitely find some people to vent to. It will save your sanity. Remember though, most people will not support your decision to work on the marriage, so you may want to find people you think will be supportive. Many of my coworkers think I'm crazy for working on this. The people at church are much more understanding. I must say that knowing how many people care about me has saved my sanity.<P>Good luck. Do be honest with him if you talk to people. He should know that the secret is out.

I agree--it is of utmost importance to have the support of good friends and family to talk to. I would not have made it this far without it! <P>What I found most helpful was finding someone who had been through a very similar situation--she was able to help me through many of the feelings that I had, as she had the very same ones a few months prior.

For a long time I didn't tell anybody. And after my H told me he wanted a separation(I didn't know he was having an affair) I was very bothered that he told about it to many people who weren't even close to him, and we still went places together so nobody thought he was having an affair. Then I told one of my good friends about the separation, then found about A, so I told my friend since she knew the situation. But I just held eveything in me and that was really really tough.. I wanted to tell my in-laws but didn't know how.. I felt like badmouthing about my H... After 6 months of whole things started I finally told what had happened to 2 of my SILs(a couple of weeks ago). I felt really good and I'm getting lots of support. I think, that I was ready to tell what happened. Even if you know you get support when you tell, I think it's still hard.. You have to experience what you went thorough again by telling. I just want to tell you, that if you can tell one person you are close to it will make a difference. At least people I told didn't suggest me to get divorce, but told me to do anything to make me happy.<BR>Good luck, and hope your vacation will be fun and not stressful.<BR>MF <BR>

Why I didn't tell:<BR> 1.It was over<BR> 2.I didn't want my girls to ever lose respect for their dad, and if someone, anyone new, the odds would increase that they would someday find out.<BR> 3.I didn't want to hurt my H's family. They would have been so disappointed with him.<BR> 4.I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or talk about us behind our back.<BR> <BR>I would have told his family IF he hadn't ended it, because I think they could have influenced him. I also would have told our Pastor for the same reason.<P>Although I only had MB as a support system, and it would have felt so good to talk to someone, looking back it was a wise decision.<BR> <BR>

Emotional support is important if you can talk to a neutral party. I've told two friends about my wife. One, is separated from his wife and has been sympathetic to a degree but neither friend really understands my rational for trying to save the marriage. <P>I would like more of her friends to know, in a way, in hope that they might be able to help convince her to drop the OM. On the other hand, her friends might convince her to go for it. <P>Just remember that if you share your feelings with someone, and they offer advice, they may feel resentment towards you if you don't choose to follow it. Others may simply act different (even hostile) towards your spouse should you reconcile. I guess I would minimize those who have to know.<P>I hope your vacation goes well. I have been putting off any vacation plans because I just haven't been feeling that romantic.<P>Good luck.

Hello,<P>I totally agree with FaithHopeLove. Keeping the truth to ourselves, with the help of a counselor, allowed us to save our marriage. <P>Keeping quiet was the wisest thing I did after discovery. If you decide to share the truth, do it very carefully and choose your confidant wisely.<P>Peppermint

I didn't tell to many "real life" people because I saw what happened when my parents divorced when I was a kid. People get this irrational fear that "it's contagious," and you can find yourself shunned.<P>I was lucky in that I had this place, and a small army of "e-mail friends" -- women I know only via e-mail, to whom I was able to write paragraphs and paragraphs of ranting and venting. One of them was particularly helpful in "being there", and as it happens, I now am in the position of being able to do the same for her.<P>I did tell my parents, only because both my father and mother (divorced) were nagging me to visit, and I CALMLY explained why I had to tend to some things at home.<P>If you can find some "virtual friends" like here for support, I think it's better.<P>

Hi:<P>I seem to have the same opinion as many others responding to this post. I am SOOOOOO glad we agreed immediately that we would tell no one except a professional counselor -- we also agreed we would get into counseling immediately. I have a dear friend who is a counselor, who found our wonderful counselor for us, and she knows the situation and provided the support I needed from one friend -- my husband knows about this, and he feels more and more comfortable, knowing that she is above all a professional and would never pass judgment on him. I told him it was only fair for me to have one close confidant, since he took 8 months of tapering off phone contact with OW (letting her down slowly) under our counselor's supervision. Other than that only one other person knows there was an A -- my husband idiotically leaked it to his partner, and immediately regretted it because I got REALLY upset.<P>As for family, our parents are either too crazy, too frail, too self-centered or all of the above to deal with it (we are in our mid-fifties, so we are talking elderly folks!) Our closest siblings only know that we were in intense counseling and not sure how it was going to work out, but know that it has, and that is all they need to know (my brother is married to his sister, so we felt it was REALLY important that they not be burdened with any details, because we both love them both so very much.)<P>So...in hindsight, having told virtually no one was an excellent thing for us. Everyone who knows and loves us knows we had a crisis and weathered it and are happily moving forward. What else do they need to know, after all??????<BR>

Sayalittleprayer-<P>I guess you can tell by the varied responses that everyone is different.<BR>In my case, I did tell my pastor and a few close friends, but it came back to haunt me.<BR>My H says he will NEVER FORGIVE ME for telling anyone, and he no longer will go to church--2 years now.<BR>During the past two years, I have cut off most contact with people in the church and friends because I was concerned that my H thought we were talking about him.<BR>It is hard to keep everything inside, and it does help to "talk" to someone. <P>I would be VERY careful and PRAYERFUL about who you would choose to confide in. Make sure it is someone who would never tell another soul.<BR>Also, I would suggest that it be someone that is YOUR friend only---the knowledge about your marriage will put a strain on friendships shared by both you and your H.<P>The more people that know, the harder it will be for your H to trust YOU.

I do agree with most, you should only tell close friends and relatives, ppl who love you.<P>However, because my situation was so conviluted (2 OW w/2 OCs) my H's family found out.<P>This last Christmas, OW #2 called my H's sister and introduce herself for the first time as my H's girlfrend. Sd she wanted SIL to p/u her OC to attend our Christmas gathering. My SIL called me and asked me who was she and pls ask her not to call her again. When my H went to p/u OC to attend the gathering, OW threw all the OC's belongings in a big empty refrigerator size box and told H he and I now have custody. SIL's were told about this by OC at the gathering, OC said I'm now gonna live w/Daddy and Joanne. 3 days later OW changed her mind. Turns out she was trying to make an emotional statement using her OC, she was angry about H taking me (his wife) to the Christmas gathering.<P>Since then I have shared everything w/SIL, they are in constant contact w/me and ask. <P>My co-workers know because I was a zombie at work for many mos.<P>So the cats been outta the bag since last Christmas ... <P>Jo

Since Robert moved out, it was sorta hard to keep SOME of this a secret. But....to this day, my mom does NOT know that there was anyone else...plan to keep it that way, too. She'd make him miserable for the rest of his life.<P>I'm pretty private. Never told the rest of my family and they LIVE around here. And most know not to meddle or ask questions about my private life...they speculated, but heck, so what. Robert left, was gone for 7 months and back again and still none of the people I worked with knew. I told my best friend and my brother.....they BOTH understand and I knew they would support both of us.<P>It certainly made things easier to rebuild.....he had to worry about me and Kristin, no one else really. In fact, Kristin knows he dated while he was gone, but no gory details...this is an adult matter and I answered the questions she asked very honestly, but, at her age, if she didn't ask it, she just didn't want to know. Made it easier on her too.<P>As few people as possible makes it easier to rebuild, I think..and easier to make the decision to return.<P>Lori

I vote "no", unless it is an biased party, like a counselor or clergyman. Why? Because you create triangles, or alliances. No matter who you tell, that person is going to side with you because they love you and have only heard your side of the story. When you have someone to affirm your anger and your pain, they usually encourage to you act in ways to defend yourself and keep you from getting hurt. Unfortunately, those actions are usually also the same ones that create distance between you and your spouse.<P>Reason #2. It makes it harder for you to reconcile if the H has to face a bunch of people he feels are judgmental and have peered into your private lives. Yes, I know he's told who he's told, but it doesn't help to have the whole world know. It's better if your family, in particular, can look at him with the same respect and love they always had. Family is tough. They almost certainly will side with you and condemn him. You can't take all that back.<P>Reason #3. A professional doesn't have any emotional attachment to your issues, so she can probably suggest alternatives for why something happened or what should be done about something. They can see the other side of the coin that might be invisible to you. Surely this is a benefit?<P>I'm not denying you need support through this, but I'd strongly suggest getting it through an unbiased professional. And you *do* have a support system. You have us!<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited July 08, 2000).]

For us, I asked my sister's husband (who I work with) not to tell my parents or even my sister about our seperation. I thought it was a temporary situation. My oldest sister was asked to not tell as well. Eventually, that wore on them and convinced me to inform the family but only when they had to know.<BR> <BR>By letting them know lifted a major burden. Knowing they were offering support and prayers helped. Unfortunately, I discovered this site when I was totally confused and had LB'd way too much by then.<P>At least now you have extra input here, but each family is different. My parents were all for limiting who I talk to about this. However, I just needed input from our mutual aquaintances. That can try any friendship, so be careful.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.