I am Cuban, i meet my husband when i was 16, he went to Cuba for a vacation and i meet him there. I was not in-love or even liked him, but i decided to get married to him because the economic situation in Cuba was so bad that i could not handle it. I wanted something else out of my life, been aviable to live the way a normal person should. The only way to archieve that was getting married. I moved with my canadian man to an island in the Caribbean where he work. The first 2 years of the marriage i was content, i wanted the marriage so much to work and i was so unexperienced that i did all he ask me to. I changed completelly, i changed my language, my culture, my life, everything and i was ready to give my marriage the chance of prosperity. My husband an alcoholic, and an exibicionist helped me to go to nude beaches wash pornography and at the mean time to become a christian. I begun to love him, because he was there for me, in the most difficult moments. He critisize me all the time, anf never worried about my needs, I will be open i used to wait for him very sexy at the door and what he would do? seet in a corner of the sofa and drink. I had kiss his P°§§é° for about one hour every day and he will be reading a book. I ask him to change two things only. Stop drinking, and for that i look for AA, and to learn and let me help him in becoming more romantic and hot.<P>I went back to Cuba, there when i meet this cuban guy, at the beggining i felt horrible and tried to stop my self but never did. I cheated. Went back home, for six months i wanted to end the relatioship, but than things begun to get better and i give my self another chance. Out of the blue, i became bulimic, i was always very sleepy and sometimes scared of anything, i cried often. I decided to go to councelor, nothing worked out. I became more depressed and to gain weight, fantasize about sex with other man etc. One day i tried to kill my self but my pastor found me on time. I stayed home on the computer most of the time, eat for about five persons, went to Canada, stop been bulimic, became more depressed. Had sex on the phone, pornography, and a whole lot of things, my husband whom was worried about his job and me at the time was going crazy and for more he treated me like a baby. I meet this Italian guy on ICQ and went to Cuba to meet me on July, than the whole story i had told. <P>What i feel inside? I feel confusion, because with my H i like to talk, i like that he knows everything, i like when he comes to me when i am crying and tell me " Baby is going to be alright" I like the security that i will never be cheated by him or i think so. <P>I miss him, but most of all i feel sorry for him, because i know he is suffering and that hurts, i just cannot imagining the rest of my life with out his coments and his nugging. But at the mean time i do not imagine my self expending the rest of my life been look at when i walk with him on the streets, or not going dancing, or been able to go out with my young friends and him not enjoing himself.<P>With my new guy, i feel proud going out with him, i love the way he touches me, i love making love to him. I love that him sometimes is as much kid as i am, but at the same time responsible. Has a good job etc.<BR>I like that he has friends my age that can be my friends too, that he is so romantic, and loves me so much. He has begged me not to live him, he has cried outloud for me. He does not critizise me about my size 11. my familly adores him, my friends to. he likes to play with me.<P>What is my indecision? i am just afraid like i said. I do not imagine as well my life without this new guy, i just think i will get crazy sometime, that is all. And feel bad too, because he loves me. There is one thing though, when i go out and i am not with him, i miss been with him, i do not desire to have another man when i am with him or without, just that think to much about my husband. What is it. Does it happens to everyone?<P>Thank thisALEX and everyone that had answeer my message.<P>Leticia.

Leticia,<BR>You need to slow down your life and give yourself a chance to decide what you want. Take a break from the om. I am sure that you are still young since you were only 16 when you married. Talk to your pastor about how you feel. God will get you through all of this.

Leticia,<P>I have mixed feelings, let me think it over & I'll get back to you.<P>By the way, this older couple of American friends of ours invited W to Cuba next week for a few days since she is also American but her Spanish is almost perfect (she even does an almost perfect La Habana's accent).<P>I am babling, I'll get back to you as I said.<P>ThisAlex<P>------------------<BR>If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about Trust and Awareness.

Leticia,<P>This is probably not what you want to hear, and maybe many in this site won't agree with me. For me, marriage is the consecration of love; it is when two people who love each other decide to commit themselves for the happiness of his/her mate "for as long as we both shall live". True love is never selfish and the person who loves doesn't do it for self-fulfillment, however loving is always fulfilling, it is about give, not about receive.<P>But marriage to obtain some kind of material gratification being jewelry, a social position or getting out of a crisis cannot last unless TRUE love develops.<P>You are probably developing a pattern in looking for a man as a way out of a present crisis, like H helping you out of Cuba and OM getting you out of this marriage. You'll have to decide whether you love H or you are just grateful to him for helping you out of a difficult situation, and the same with this OM, or does this OM satisfy some emotional needs (that you can communicate easier in Spanish) while H is a parental figure (a parent who punishes, by the way).<P>There are many things that only you can resolve but don't play it alone because you are not alone; we are here for you. Don't feel bad if not many answer your posts, your situation is so special that perhaps we are not the best qualified to assist you, but in any case, (quoting NSR) "post, post, post, reply, reply, reply" and choose a counselor that you feel is getting you somewhere, either-or a professional (psychologist, psychiatrist) and your spiritual guide (pastor, preach). Learn from the others and don't give up, NOBODY is worth to even THINKING about suicide.<P><BR>Take care.<P>ThisAlex<P>------------------<BR>If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about Trust and Awareness.