For some time I have had a feeling my H was not telling the OW about the time he was spending with me. On Thursday night, I even had a dream about the OW (the only one I've ever had) and in it I knew she was doubting my H. Her friends were there as well and were protective of her but wanted her to hear the truth from me. I was telling her how he was lying to her and he was seeing me now. She didn't want to believe it. When I woke up I was pretty upset. I thought my dream was about their relationship still being there. I realized later though the dream was about the fact that I knew in my heart she really doesn't trust him.<P>Later, I spoke with my H. Somehow I managed to get on this subject. I asked him if she knew he had been with me over July 4th weekend. He admitted she didn't know. I asked him if he was going to tell her and he said no. Why? She gets pretty upset when he is with me and our D (pretty sick, huh?). Apparently she also overheard me on the phone tell him I love him and it caused a HUGE fight between them. She's always asking him about the divorce and he tells her he hasn't gotten around to it (at this point, we're not even discussing it because we're not getting one). Oh, and as far as the "I love you thing"? He asked that I don't say it on the phone (in case she's eavesdropping) but he says it's okay for me to still tell him in person. He's lying to her on my behalf. He won't be able to see me and our D that much if he tells her the truth. Of course, if I tell her it will put a HUGE wedge between him and I. The thing was he wasn't being mean spirited or anything. I don't think he can decide what he wants. I know he'd be 100% committed to her if I wasn't Plan Aing but now I'm making things difficult. He really wants to be with me (he's taking me out on Saturday) and he really wants to talk to me.<P>And that's when I realized I had become the OW in his relationship with her. He's sneaking around behind her back to be with me. I'm taking care of all of his EN except one - SEX. She's got that one. I hate to say it but I'm finding a lot of satisfaction in this new circumstance. I told him how I had no intention of telling her, how I liked the fact we are doing things together and we're becoming friends, again. I also told him at this point in time I had no intention of giving him up. I love him too much. He didn't get upset or anything. We just ended our talk on a good note and made plans for him to pick me up at 4:30 Saturday afternoon for dinner and fun.<P>It kills me, though, not to be able to rub this in her face. I would like so much for her to find out (without me telling her) and know he's been lying to her from the get go. Ever since their A started. Yet, I know by telling her I risk losing everything. Okay so maybe she doesn't find out just yet...Anyone live close by that might like to stop by her part-time place of employment and drop a hint or two to her? I live in the Minneapolis area...<P>So, any advice on this one? Do I just continue and hope she finds out? Has anyone else ever found themselves in the same situation? Lostva? Any advice or remarks would be so very much appreciated.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Hi Molli, you're up late.<P>Yes, I think at some point all of us betrayed become the OP if the WS is waivering between the two of us.<P>I hope you're not feeling guilty about this. I don't remember who it was but one of the poster here said it made her feel bad to have her H betraying his OW with her. That's nuts. <P>Any woman who places herself in the middle of a marriage...good or bad...usually gets what she deserves in the end. And that's usually being betrayed herself. <P>You are just using some of her techniques to fight fire with fire. Just remember you are the wife and you have the right to have your H's attention at any time...not just when she allows it.<P>Always keep in mind that you are his primary relationship...right now you are just separated for a while but continuing to work on your relationship. She is just a time killer.<P>Yes, I've been there. H use to come over every Sunday to watch football with the kids...who were never there. That's when most of our reuniting took place. Gradually he started wanting to come home and she began to LB big time. <P>There were also lunches every day at work...time she couldn't control. Then she started issuing ultimatums about getting a divorce (which he never wanted). They came and went. <P>Finally it was over. It's all gradual but once the ball starts rolling back in your direction, there is little she can do to stop it....even the sex won't keep him there.<P>However, all this was before MB and she came back again two years later and it all started up again...things had not really changed the way they needed to. <P>Make sure that the necessary changes on both sides have been made in your relationship before he comes home or he may only leave again. <P>Wishing you what I think will be a good recovery.<P>Buffy<P>Oh, by the way, don't tell her, she'll find out anyway. Don't waste a LB.<BR>

Hi Molli,<P>I felt the same.. I felt I was having an affair with my H(and how sick is that??), because we started to be in touch again after not talking for a month, then he came over for the first time and he said OW doesn't know he was with me. Now she knows parts of it, but she doesn't know he came over to stay with me for our anniversary(the day we met)... She doesn't wanna know anything about me(according to my H) because she knows he still loves me(and he says he loves BOTH). I don't think they have fights about this.. because OW isn't in that strong position yet, and if she tries to control whom my H can see I think their relationship will be over(so I'm hoping she becomes like that..). <BR>Right now I'm distancing from my H, but when he contacts me I will do Plan A, and sometimes I get mad because my H is getting things he needs from both of us(yes there's no sex between me and my H). But because I realized about his problems I'm not really trying to save this marriage anymore, but still I don't want this relationship(my H and OW) to work out.<BR>I don't know what's going to happen in your situation but I would think if you keep plan Aing, you know about your H much better than OW and he will find more comfort from you, and if she gets annoyed when he talks to you then it may end before long.<BR>I also would like to know what other people think as well...<BR>I really hope OW find out about you and your H

I was there, too! It's part of the process. A very nice part, I think. <P>Like Buffy said, don't waste a LB...she'll find out. You be the person he WANTS to be with - she'll take care of her end for you!<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

same here...H was living with OW, though he denies it, for at least 6 months, and he would come home every weekend (he told me he lived at a company condo, and never took me there, it was all for work reasons he was gone) for usually only one HOT night. i didn't cook, clean, do laundry for him...just met him once a week for lunch and we had lots of sex on the weekends. <BR>if i had known about MB, i would have been plan A'ing him to death, and i suggest that's what you do. as it is now, i just can't love him anymore, and im planning to divorce him as soon as it's logistically possible. (he's a complete sociopath, im wife #4, it's a long story).<BR>so, enjoy it and make the most of it, the ball is in your court!<BR>good luck

It's wonderful when things go right. I rejoice for you! Way to go!!<P>I have nothing against my H's XOW--I just see her as someone desperate, confused, deluded and unhappy. Before the A, during the A and now multiplied by 10,000 after the A. I feel sorry for her. Because of my H's behavior towards me during the A before d-day--that's how I FELT! I was susceptible to having my own A with another man. I could have been just like HER!<P>When you have your H and marriage back, that alone will be the "rub in her face" for the rest of her life--or at least until she gets her mental health back. It will break her heart. But it should not be your goal. You risk losing the game. Keep your eye on the ball. <P>And keep up the good work, Hon! Don't falter with thoughts of revenge. You're doing great! You know it!<P>

I don't know what my h was really thinking during his EA, but he certainly wasn't truthful with his ow (I didn't know about her, but she saw us together almost daily.). She knew he'd told me that he wanted to separate several months in the future at a time when the children would be out of school. He did not tell her of our continuing sexual relationship,how much he was enjoying times with me, etc. He was lying to me and also deceiving her by much omission and distortion.<P>His behavior toward me improved so much that I truly believed up to the day he suddenly moved out that he had decided to stay with his marriage.<P>Later - after we did reconcile and after his relationship with ow ended, he told me that many of his actions that I had interpreted as progress in our recovery had actually been motivated by his feelings of guilt and his need to continue to conceal his devious plan to leave and be with her. Also, his ego was being thoroughly stroked by 2 women, and I have no doubt that he was milking that rare opportunity for all it was worth.<P>People involved in affairs will often send mixed signals: they will throw the spouse a bone as a quick fix for what conscience they have left; they will even throw out behaviors specifically designed to give the spouse false hope and take pressure off of them; they are so confused half of the time they are loyal to the woman (man) they are with at the moment; they often live in denial and refuse to face consequences doing whatever they can to delay handling issues like property settlement, child support, alimony, public scrutiny, etc.<P>I hope that your h is truly waivering and not just spineless. Mine was both. He sounds confused and you sound strong and dedicated to your marriage and family. Good luck and God's intervention may turn the tide in your favor - that's what finally happened for us. My h now seems happy as a clam and says he can't believe all the things he did in furtherance of his affair that were so out of character for him. I do wish that while his affair was going on I had not been so blind (and in denial) for so long, but with my temperment perhaps that was for the best. Not knowing allowed me to try hard to meet his needs without being so discouraged and frustrated. God probably knew my limits in patience.

I'm happy to know this is just another chapter in a very long story.<P>Buffy - <BR>You'll be happy to hear I do not feel any guilt for this. I never have. He is still my H and I am doing nothing wrong.I also have no intention of doing the LBing. I'm going to let her find out on her own and do all the LBing she possibly can. <P>MF - <BR>It's frustrating when you see they're getting their cake and eating it too. I know what I want the ultimate outcome to be so if this is the way it needs to run for a while then so be it. I do know my H better than anyone and I have MB and Plan A. So the way I see it, I have the home advantage at this point and I'm taking FULL advantage of it.<P>Lostva - <BR>Thanks a ton for the words of encouragement! I'll let her LB all she wants. There's no way she's hearing this one from me.<P>LWB - <BR>I hope all works out the way you want in your marriage. Yes, the ball is in my court and I plan on playing it to the end.<P>Leilana - <BR>I have to agree with you on the OW. When I met her I thought she seemed like she had a good head on her shoulders (she didn't know he was married and was planning on dumping him) but when she chose to continue their relationship then I thought she had to be extremely stupid with no self-esteem and no self-confidence. I mean why else would someone stay with a man who has lied to you from the start, deceived you, and is married? UUGGGHHH! Some people...<P>I will not be the one to tell her. I'll let her figure it out on her own. I'm playing this game fair and square!<P>Wesse - <BR>You have given me something to think about. I know my H VERY well and he is a manipulator. He has never been able to manipulate me very well and he knows it. He probably thinks I can read his mind. I'm usually right on target when I throw an idea out their on why he might be doing something. I'm glad to see, though, that even if this is the case and my H is just blowing smoke, even that can end and a couple can have a happy ending.<P>Thanks so much everyone!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Been there! H moved out (lied about an "empty apatment" poor baby). Never admitted OW until after it was over and she called me to spill the beans (yes, I wsa pretty sure there was an affair going on anyway). In a little more than a month we started to reconnect. Going out to dinner etc. Of course he took me out in public. Never took her anywhere except scuzzy bars where there was no chance of him seeing anyone he knew. It took afew more frustrating months of him waffling but when he was really ready he came home for good. Things are great! So I got the last laugh I guess. Sounds like your H will be home soon. Don't bother telling. Let her see what it feels like on her own when she sees the tables have been turned.

Thanks, Fairydust! It's funny. She lives north of our home. He takes her places around there. We go out in public around here and just south of here. We also do all of the stuff with the family. She's not included. He won't take her to work functions or some of our extra-curricualr activities we did together (sigh of relief).<P>Hey, today is 3 months since DDay! We're going out on our "first date" this afternoon. Yep, I can guarantee he'll him and haw fopr a while longer but I feel really good about this. I know it will happen - he'll come home and be ready to recommit to our marriage.<BR>

Don't want to be the fly in the ointment ... but don't get too cocky. My husband spent LOTS of time with me last summer ... and it was obvious he was sneaking around behind her back - especially since she began making hang up calls to my home when he was not around ... to see if I was also not around. At the end of the summer, BANG! It all came to a screeching, grinding halt... And he stopped spending any time with me at all.<P>Now, if you read my update on this forum, he is calling me again - always from work, never from home ... and always for a silly reason. I have had a bad week and allowed it to really get to me, but I am gathering my courage and sanity and planning for a move to Plan B soon. I need to get my "legs" back under me...<P>Anyhow, last summer my situation was very similar - he was living with her, and spending time with me, doing lots of fun things that he likes to do and that I was learning to enjoy - golfing, for one. I felt I was meeting all his EN's but that same one you are not meeting: sex. Keep in mind that, for many men, that is an incredibly COMPELLING need - and if there is the slightest perception on his part that you cannot or will not or even MIGHT not meet that need as completely as the OW is, she still has a POWERFUL hold over him. If you know what sexual needs he has (and keep in mind, he may have some that he has never told you about), then find a way to let him know you CAN meet them. And if you think he might have some he hasn't revealed to you, find a way to broach the subject - tell him about a COSMO article you may have read about sexual experimentation or something like that... <P>Please keep a firm grasp on reality - grab on and hang on tight, because the ride's just beginning! Even if the current path does lead to reconciliation, you need to keep your head. And if it doesn't, the hurt will be enormous, so the tighter your grasp on reality now, the shorter the drop will be if the worst happens.<P>I wish you the very best ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terry - <BR>Trust me. I've thought of the same thing. I know at any given moment he may stop wanting to spend time with me - especially after what has happened tonight. Thanks for the tip about the sex part. I know this is his #1 EN and I will definitely need to start addressing it in some way. I like the Cosmo idea - it's great! I wish you all the best in your Plan B efforts. Good luck!!

Molli,<P>Dont even feel guilty. HE IS YOUR HUSBAND! She knows this also. <BR>You just keep meeting the needs. I think he will be back. I wish my h would have done that to me. I was the WS. I would haev dumped OM long before the people here on MB told me to. <BR>God doesnt intend for this to work the way that it is. You be the OW. Go out, have fun!<BR>And as for the revenge. Oh she will get it! Dont even worry about that! I know it is hard. That is human nature. Just pray that God will helpyou to put that energy in your marriage. <BR>Good Luck gal!<BR>Prayers<BR>renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Thanks, Renee! It's always good to hear from someone who's been where my H is at now. I really appreciate the positive words. During our date we also made arrangements to get together Sunday PM and it went very well. I've talked to him already twice today - both very good conversations. We even did some reminiscing (about some good times). He's calling again in a couple of hours and then I'll see him tomorrow. He's watching our D for the evening while I work and then he'll spend the night as well. <P>The good days have definitely started to outnumber the not so good days. <P><P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!