Well, finally heard from H after month of silence. He admitted that he wanted a D and that there was someone else. He said that she made him so happy and that he realized he was never happy in our marriage. What now? Plan A, Plan B?

Studentwife,<P>Not sure I know your whole story. For me if I knew my wife was in the mist of the affair, I would go plan B. It however sounds like you already may be in some kind of plan b since you say you haven't heard from him for over a month. If your already living apart and don't see each other, not sure their is much more you can do. You need to decide if you want to give him a divorce or not. If you don't then don't give him one yet. Not sure this helps much, but sounds like your in a difficult situation.<P>Good luck.

Thanks, TimJ<P>I've been doing some not-so-nice things since I read his e-mail today. I replied with an e-mail calling him a child and a coward for walking out on his marriage. We had planned to have a big wedding this Christmas (since our first was just the two of us and a minister), so I sent him one of the invitations via snail mail. I also sent him an e-greeting card with a picture of us and said to my husband, have a wonderful X-mas, from your loving wife. I know that these are petty things to do, but I feel so helpless. He wants this to be as painless as possible, but for who? Him? Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions on how I can save my marriage, please help. I feel so hopeless now.

Hey Student Wife,<P>I wish I had some better advice. I know how tough it is to feel out of control of the situation. One thing that has kept me going was to finally accept that there wasn't a whole lot I could do to stop my wifes affair. When I realized this, I quit spending as much time worring about it (that doesn't mean I stopped). I started spending more time on me and making sure I was ok. I knew that whether my wife wanted to leave or stay, I would be ok either way. What might help you is to try and start working on you. You are the important one and ultimately the only one you can change. Work on understanding what your part in some of the unhappiness during the marriage was and work on changing you. Be confident that if your husband sees the light you won't make the same mistakes. And realize that if he doesn't, you will be able to have a meaningful relationship with someone who is willing to work at a marriage and not bail out when things get tough. His words about saying he was never happy in the marriage are what I have been told by my wife many times throughout her affair. It's a natural thing to do to justify and glorify the affair. Don't take them to serious. Doing not so nice things is pretty natural. Don't get down on your self for doing them. I do them all the time. The thing to do is minimize them though. Also, have you read any books on affairs? If not you should so you understand why they happen and what your going through. Ask for some book names if you need them.<P>Take care of you.

TimJ, any books that could help? - please let me know about them.<P>I don't understand. He said all the feelings he once had for me are gone and all that is left are feelings of anger and bitterness. <P>What did I do? I don't understand why he feels this way towards me. He says that OW gives him all the things that he was missing with me. Well, what are those things? I might need to know. I guess I should say that since he wants a divorce that I do need to know so I won't make that mistake again. He also said that he deserved better. How could a man who cheats on his wife deserve better? I thought I was a pretty good wife. I hate this. Christmas won't be the same this year. It will be the first Christmas in 7 years that I haven't been able to spend with H. I am reminded of a song 'Hold on. this is going to hurt like Hell.'

Hey Student,<P>Don't completely blame yourself. His affair is all his doing and his choice. <P>The book I like the best is "After the Affair", by Janis Abrahms Spring. I'm reading it again. You can order it from AMAZON.COM. Another good one that details plan a plan b, etc is Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley. You can order that from the bookstore on this site or Amazon.com. Another thing you might want to try is doing some phone counciling with Dr. Harley's son Steve. You can setup an appointment on this site. I have called him and he really is helpful. Charges $75 per session, but it is money well spend to get some good advice. Again, don't to take to heart the bad things your husband blames you for right now. Alot of it is a way to justify his affair and cover up his guilt. It doesn't hurt as much to hurt someone when you can blame them for all your troubles. If he does talk to you try to listen without taking it personal. It's hard, but look behind what he says for the meaning. It does hurt, but it does get better, no matter what happens. That's what you need to remember. <P>Take care and don't blame yourself for all of this.<P><BR>

Thanks TimJ. I'll look into the books you suggested. I've become a frequent member of Amazon.com<P>I hesitate to set up counseling sessions with Dr. Harley because my husband has said that he really wants the divorce. I am already seeking counseling for myself. Would counseling for what is left of our marriage be a good idea or a waste of what little money I have? Don't get me wrong. If I thought H would come back, I would be doing everything in my power including Dr. H's counseling sessions. I'm not sure yet, but I will try the books. Thanks again.

I still don't have a phone number or address for H, but I have his e-mail address. Last night I sent him a message telling him that I miss him and love him. Is that bad? Should I cut off all contact with him and wait for him to straighten up or file for D? I talked to a lawyer and was told that I could wait for him to file; meaning there was no urgency in me filing (which is definitely the last thing I want to do). I can't bear to think of Christmas without my H. I think H is living with OW. I know I should be working on myself, making me a better person, but I still miss him.

Student wife,<P>why don't you try reposting your question as a new post. Sometimes your post can get lost if you keep tacking on to your original post. You might get more responses then just mine. Other folks here may have better advice then me. I never got to the divorce point (yet) but I am sure many other folks here have. I would think that you shouldn't worry about doing anything about the divorce until you want it, but I'm no expert. I am sure that what your going through is tough. Any plans for spending xmas with friends or family? May not help, but worth a try. <BR>The only thing to watch about emailing husband is not to turn it into some kind of harrassment. I know when my wife moved out on me, I kept stopping by her apt and leaving her notes about how much I still loved her. I think now I would have been better off to just stop contacting her. Your situation might be different though.<P>Good luck and keep on posting and have confidense in yourself.