Everything is my fault. Our daughter was upset with him because he doesn't want to borrow any more money for college and suggested that she drop out for a year - but apparently her being upset at him is my fault. Plus he blames me because he claims we would have more available funds if we were divorced - in spite of the fact that filing jointly last year saved him thousands of dollars. <P>I suspect he blames me for the kids not being as close to him as he would like. He told them he didn't understand why they call me when they are visiting him, but don't call him - yet he has called them only a few times in 16 months. <P>It seems like he wants to them raised completely differently from the way we have raised them for 20 years - and if I continue raising them the same way we always have, that's a LB. <P>It was apparently an LB that I wanted to be involved in their educational evaluations. <P>Plan A really doesn't work in this case, because he wants to believe that I am a horrible person, and if the facts don't mesh with that perception, he just changes the facts.

well, plan A might not be working on HIM, but is it working for YOU? what would you do otherwise? how would you be acting if you were NOT in plan A? have you tried it? did it get any different results?<BR>have you read "Divorcebusting"? <BR>No, whatever you are doing now is NOT getting the results you want, so you need to try something different, divorcebusting basically says that...they have a website, too.<BR>i just want to reach through the computer and smack your H upside the head...he's in as bad a fog as my H is, but at least my H is unfailingly polite to me. <BR>just take care of yourself, nellie, it's all you can do right now.<BR>julie

I've seen that old "change the facts to fit your perception" routine. There isn't much you can do with that, but I do believe you can change things slowly by agreeing with his right to feel a certain way and doing everything with a smile in your voice and on your face. Behaviour is contagious. If you are around grouchy people, you tend to pick that up. If you are around nice people, you tend to pick that up.<P>LWB has a good point. Is Plan A working for you? I know the motivation for most of us is to get the WS to change, but all this crap we deal with gets us down. We can perk ourselves up by just "pretending" to be up. It has done wonders for me. <P>Do the old "stop" technique. Everytime you are alone and feel some LB-ing come on, just say "Stop" and switch gears. Sounds silly, but it works and gives you a chance to focus on alternative ways of thinking and being. It works when you're not alone too, but I think you should go for a mental "stop" rather than a vocal one.

Yes, almost everything we do is considered a LB by the wayward spouse.<P>I made my wife a cup of tea every morning for years and after I found out about her affairs, suddenly I was an [censored] for doing it.<P>However, we must keep in touch with what we do as lovebusters. If they ask us to quit doing something, then quit it. If they get pissed at us because of stuff as the education thingy Nellie put, then tough patooties. We don’t need to agree with them that it is our faults though.<P><BR>Let him change the facts. The point is we need to understand which actions are truly hurtful (screaming & yelling at them) are LB’s and which aren’t (such as us merely being alive).<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

julie,<P>I really don't know what else to do. Plan B is not really practical when we have six kids, and besides, I think that would make it even more likely that he would keep things from me. Yes, I have seen the divorce busting site, and actually talked to Michelle once, a long time ago. <P>popeye,<P>I think I have done very little LB'ing, at least anything that I could tell in advance would be an LB, unless I absolutely had to. Apparently it was a LB to insist that I be allowed to be involved in the children's medical appointments, and not just be given the final report, but I, even his lawyer, thought it was essential. He accuses me of delaying the divorce, but it was he/his lawyer who took months and months to draft the paperwork. <P>Chris,<P>I do my best to avoid known LB's, but, as you said, even being alive seems to be a LB. I can't force the oldest kids not to be angry with him. One of them figured out he was having an affair as soon as he left, and hasn't spoken to him since. The other one is civil toward him, or at least was until the college loan episode. She wrote him an apparently angry email which I did not see, nor did I want to, but he immediately accused me of putting her in the middle, when I was doing my best to stay out of the relationship between her and her father.