Hello to all,<P>I'm a 25 year-old woman married for 2 and 1/2 years to my college sweetheart, but I'm having an affair. When I dated my<BR>husband in college I was also unfaithful to him several times. He found out about it and we separated for about a year and then<BR>reconciled. I knew that it wasn't our time to get married yet, I did because everything was already paid for and the wedding was<BR>just around the corner. I loved him but knew that I had more growing to do as an individual and he did, too. I just kept hearing a quite voice saying, wait, it's just not the right time yet, but didn't listen. At first marriage was great, but then i started becoming dissatisfied when I saw that my husband wasn't taking an active part in our marriage. i was working, paying the bills, cleaning,cooking, etc . . . holding down the fort. I became very dissapointed and decided that I was no longer going to do things for him or us, but just for myself. That's when he decided to change because he saw that I was becoming a different person, but it<BR>seems like it was too late because I haven't been able to change things around since. I started having an affair with someone<BR>from my job who I know cannot offer me much but he makes me feel good when we are together and takes notice of me. Yet, I<BR>know deep in my heart he is not the man for me. At thsi point in my marriage I am very resentful and bitter and want out, yet<BR>my counselor tells me that I need to work on my marriage because God hates divorce. I feel like my husband deserves better, someone who won't cheat on him and can tolerate taking care of him. I feel that I can't. I don't want to take care of any man,instead I want a man to take care of me or us to take care of one another, but I am so bitter right now that I don't want any man. My husband nor my lover. I just want this whole ordeal to end and try to repair what's left of my relationship with God. <P>What do you think I should do? Am i wrong for wanting a divorce? <P>Doesn't my husband deserve better?<P>Help.<P>Philly<p>[This message has been edited by philomena (edited December 07, 1999).]

Does you Husband know about the affair, or is it still a secret?

no, he doesn't know. He has suspected, but I kept telling him that I wasn't. My job requires that I work long hours at times, so he thinks I'm at work, when I'm really with the other man.

Hi Philomena:<P>Get a divorce. Don't keep hurting your husband. Don't keep lying to your husband.<BR>I agree with you...he deserves a woman than you. My husband did to me what you are doing to your husband and next to dying its the worst thing that can happen...in fact, I did die in the sense that the old person is dead and a whole new person has emerged...one who has no more peace of mind, who is suspicious of him every minute and one who has having difficulty dealing with life in general...and one who no longer recommends marriage...sorry but I have no sympathy for men or women who cheat on their partners....there is no excuse for it....I REPEAT....GET A DIVORCE....let him go......

Philomena,<P>You sound like your feeling alot of the things my wife did. You need to stop seeing the other man. You won't be able to figure anything out while your carring on the affair. It gives you an easy escape from dealing with the reality of your marriage. What you are doing to your husband (lieing to him) is going to cause him great pain. Divorcing him is not going to make anything any easier until you stop what you are doing and figure out what is really wrong with your marriage. If you don't you'll just carry it into the next relationship you have. While your in the mist of the affair, you are naturally going to not like your husband and will see all the problems with him and none of the good things about him. If changes are needed you need to tell him what needs to change and if he isn't willing to do it then divorce him. Give him a chance to know how you really feel and telling him about your affair is the best way to do that. The longer you wait to tell him the more hurt you will cause him and the more trouble you will cause yourself. He will eventually find out and will respect you a whole lot more if you tell him about it. Learn from what the other people here have gone through and don't go through anymore of it yourself. <P>Good luck and much strength. You will need it.

Ditto to TIMJ's message.<BR>I had been involved in an EA, and while I am still not sure if H will be able to give me what I want in a relationship, the minute I stopped seeing OM I was able to start concentrating on at least trying to make things work. The last thing you want for your mental health is to leave for the wrong reasons, as history will only repeat itself. Be strong, and know that in not seeing OM you can truly make the right decision in your life.

I just want to thank everyone for their open and honest responses. Sometimes friends don't give it to you straight and I know that's what I need. I want to tell my husband, but I am very afraid, because I know he'll be extremely hurt and angry. I'm still not sure that I will. My friends have told me not to tell him because I will never be able to repair it, but at the same time it may already be too late. <P>------------------<BR>Philly

Hi Philly,<P>I am just new to this board but came across your post and felt that I had to respond. Are we twins? If you read my 'story', you can see that I have been unfaithful to my H more than once as well. I am young,like you, and spent some time separated from my H. I got married when I was 21 and a couple of years into the marriage I felt like I haven't 'lived' yet. This is when we separated. I told him over and over about how he deserved a much better wife than me. I loved my H but wanted to live a life for ME. I wanted to live on my own, do the party thing, hang out with girlfriends, etc. I felt like I missed out on a big part of my life (young 20's) by being married to my highschool sweetheart.<BR>During the separation, my H and I remained very close. We supported eachother thru the growing up times. When we got back together, we were even closer than before. We have a great relationship now and I have often talked about how we really needed the time apart to find 'ourselves'. Being young and married limits that.<BR>The only piece of advice I can offer is to be open and honest with your H. Tell him about your needs. Telling your husband about your affair is a big step. But ... it all starts with honesty. You cannot begin to fix what is broken until your H knows what IS broken. <BR>Reading your post was like walking thru memory lane for me. A lot of it was hard but I am still here and working thru things day by day.<BR>Take Care.<BR>Brynn <BR>

philomena,<P>My wife didn't tell me about her first affair for 4 years. She also didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me. I wish to hell that she would have let me worry about me. As a result of her not telling me she continued to stay in a crappy marriage and I didn't even realize her unhappiness. She then had another affair and used the same excuses for not telling me. If you have any respect for your husband you have to tell him. My wife has also had chronic neck pains, head aches, knee pain for the past five years. I believe it is the result of hiding the affair for all those years. Tell your husband and get on with living. Hiding things and continueing the lie will only hurt you, your husband and the other man.

<reading thread> <reading sadforever's reply> <doublechecking name of site, Marriage BUILDERS><P>Philly--Welcome. Read as much as you can at this site, especially concerning the rule of honesty. Post here to vent, seek advice, relate to others in similar situations...we're here for you. Decide what it is that you want. Then have a talk with your H. He deserves to know the truth. Then, decide together what you will do.<P>Your faith will be a comfort to you, whatever happens.