I know I said in my update that I would not post it here until I was certain my "sanity" had returned to me... however, I am certain of one thing: I need the advice of others regarding this letter. I am pretty clear that it MUST be done - I was going to attempt Plan B without the letter, but I realized that the letter is what gives the betrayed CONTROL of our situations again. So, here is my first attempt.<P>NOTE: All acronyms, abbreviations and references to "slugs" are NOT in the original text, but are weak attempts at protecting my privacy and the privacy of those involved (HA!)<P>=======================<P>My Dearest H,<P>This is one of the most difficult letters I've ever had to write, but I feel very strongly that it is necessary that I do so.<P>First, I will say what has been inside me for months: I love you just as much today as I ever have. Even through all the hurt and pain, I still feel the same way about you as I did the day we got married! For better or for worse ... well, this has definitely been "worse" and it is still painful to think that you have been able to walk away from our relationship without a backward glance.<P>Next ... well, the idea of you moving to Florida leaves me with mixed emotions. It is sad, because you won't be here for me to talk to you and see you anymore. I will miss you tremendously. But it is good, because at least you are finally doing something with your life. I believe you have far more potential than you are reaching for, but moving forward is better than standing still. I wish you would move alone, though - because I truly believe you will be far more successful in school and in life without slug to hold you back. I do not say this with malice, but with true loving concern for you.<P>Now the more difficult stuff...<P>People seem to judge without communicating quite often when it comes to me... my recent experiences have made it clear to me that what I say and do is often interpreted very differently from what I MEAN. And, instead of talking to me, people walk away believing they know what I am about - and they truly have no idea. I think in many ways you did the same with me. Yes, there were lots of things said in anger - but you know that many things said in anger are not even close to truth. When I was feeling threatened and frightened, I would grab onto things that I found and saw - imagined fears, perhaps - because there were so many things that you wouldn't talk to me about. Perhaps, if you had actually TALKED to me, we could have found a way to both be happy together. Instead, you chose to hide. I am not a prude, I am not afraid to experiment ... in fact, I stopped attempting to suggest things we could do together because you seemed so resistant to changing, and because I was afraid you might think I was crazy for some of the things I wanted to try.<P>It is very hurtful to be betrayed, and not something a woman can recover from over night. It was a mistake for us to continue without help - at least for ME to continue without help. My fears of losing you became what drove me, and everything that had no explanation from you drove me deeper into depression. I know that you don't particularly believe in depression, but it is a real sickness, and apparently, from what I am discovering, it runs in my family - my grandmother, my mother, my sister ... It causes inappropriate angry feelings and loss of control over one's fears and temper. It causes people to cease to be able to function properly - they cannot quite keep up all of their life responsibilities. Mild depression is particularly insidious, because you don't FEEL "depressed" all the time. You simply have no energy to keep up with all that life requires ... you lose motivation and you begin to withdraw. You express anger for no particularly good reason, and your outbursts seem perfectly valid to you, no matter how inappropriate they may appear to others.<P>Going on anti-depressants has opened up a new world for me - one where I AM IN CONTROL of me again. It has driven away completely what had become a fear of dying I endured at least once every day, it has given me back control over my tongue and my temper, it has given me the self-confidence I needed for a long time to speak up for myself and to no longer endure being stepped on by others at work or in my personal life.<P>I wish that you could see what I see: that our lives together could be so incredibly, wonderfully rewarding for us both! That so many of our dreams could come true if we worked toward them together as we had originally planned. Think of all the things we wanted to do - all that we talked about - the interests we shared (and still share) - think of how far you could go toward reaching your dreams if you had someone who was capable of supporting you and HELPING you to reach them. I am once again that someone that you loved enough to send off to Nashville, that someone you always encouraged to reach for the best in her life. And I am ready to be the someone you need to encourage you to reach for your best.<P>It makes me sad to see that you are settling for so much less than what we could have together with both of us at our best.<P>With that in mind, I guess this is the hardest part of this letter.<P>It appears that you want to be my friend. You say you care about me, seem to want to see me safe and happy. I would be thrilled to be your friend - as part of being your wife. I love talking to you, I love being with you - helping you at work, playing or watching video games with you - all of those moments I have had with you are moments that I have cherished. But I can no longer simply be your friend. I am your wife and will always be your wife in my heart. I will always see you as my husband, and love you as I loved you in the beginning. If we were still together or even working at our marriage, I would welcome the opportunities I have had to talk with you and be with you. I would walk through the gates of hell with you, if we were together as husband and wife.<P>So, I have to ask you to stop expecting me to be your friend. Don't call me, don't stop by, don't even ask my friends about me. I will do the same As harsh as it may seem, it is what I need from you. You made the choice to leave me and be with slug. That is the path you are on, and I cannot walk beside you there.<P>When you realize someday that she cannot be everything you need in a companion, I might still be here for you. I cannot guarantee that, of course, because I need to keep working toward finding my own life. Someday, I hope to spend the rest of my life with someone that wants to make me as happy as I want to make him. If you find that you want to be that someone again, then you are welcome to call me or come to see me... but otherwise, I need you to stay away.<P>If you need to contact me, I would ask that you do so only through email or through your sister Gerri. Please also consider what it is of yours that is still here that you wish to take with you when you move. Anything that you leave here will become mine to dispose of or keep as I see fit. Also, I will need you to return my house key and car key. I don't want them to fall into the wrong hands.<P>I wish you success - and wish that you would allow me to be part of that success. I wish you happiness, and wish also that I could be a part of that happiness.<P>I will always love you.<P>Your loving wife,<P>Terri<BR>===========================<P>Thoughts and comments?<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...
